Flying solo.

Haha, that's such a cliche title.

But yes, I think I'm going to do something unprecedented: go into a club/bar/lounge by myself. I have no idea what I will do once there, but I hope people are nice enough that they won't mind a total stranger making conversation with them.

Also, my goal is actually to see if I can pick someone up. For two reasons: I want to get laid and I made my bed with new sheets and all nice, in which case it would be a waste.

I shall update tomorrow.

Strap it on...

You know, I used to be naive, like the rest of the world, when I thought lesbians needed a strapon to simulate sex with, otherwise it wasn't sex. I now know, that's bullshit. From what I have learned and experienced, having sex with only the body you have is more than enough to enjoy it.

The Girl was the first person I considered it with, and the first person I talked to about it. It was something neither one of us had done/used before, we thought it would be fun. But strapons have a connotation that its for couples only, and the implication that we (as a couple) would go buy one, hence use it, was a bit much. So I let it go. And to be honest, it was never something we were missing.

But then, a couple of days ago there was that one night stand with Frekles, a self proclaimed top who would have loved "it". So I started thinking about it again. I figured if the opportunity presented itself once more, it would be pretty fun to have it. I don't know if I'm ever seeing Frekles again, and I don't really know if she would love it or not (that was just my perception).

Whatever the case, I didn't buy it for her. I didn't buy it for The Girl either (specially since she's away for another 3 months). So what am I doing with one? Because I went and spent a good chunk of money on one a couple of days ago without any clear intention of who I would be using it with.

I debated buying it, but J and The Roommate convinced me I should get it, try it on whoever wants, then try it with The Girl when she gets back. After all, there were no promises, and we are free to have sex with whoever, and "we were not in a relationship".

So I bought it. And I told The Girl, I figured it would start the conversation about doing it for us again. Plus, I wanted to know her take on my [selfish] purchase... she told me exactly what I thought she would tell me: that I could use it whenever I wanted, and with whoever I wanted.

The thing is, she was stumbling a lot over her thoughts. And that generally means she has something to say, but not sure how to say it. I told her what I felt, that it was something I wanted to try with her first. And that it had to do with trust and comfort. I think doing it for the first time with her would be so much better than doing it for the first time with some random one night stand girl. And it took her a while to get it out, but she thought that experiencing that first time together would be amazing, but she didn't want to tell me what to do with my life. That it was really up to me to do whatever I wanted, and she would be really okay with whatever decision I made.

I'm going to wait. And I told her that. I really do think it would be an amazing, fun, a bit nerve racking, and mind blowing. If I'm going to be nervous, and tentative and unsure, I rather it be with her than pretend I'm good at it with someone else. I trust her, and I care for her. I can't see how it can be bad for either one of us. Its the kind of first time I would have liked to have, a decision that I'm sure of, and that I feel comfortable with.

3 months

That's when The Girl returns. 3 months its a long time you know? Though its less than the daunting 5 month gap it was when she first left. But I feel really good about us. I miss her, but not with the same obsessive craving I sometimes used to get, or that annoying need to smell her perfume. [I just realized that makes me sound kinda psycho...]

I have been happy since I got back from my vacation, and even though The Girl is not here, those hour long conversations we're having on the phone are enough. Last time she was away, I was slightly depressed and going through a lot. But this time, its just okay. Really okay. I'm a couple of days from starting a new job, I'm following through with one of my new year resolutions to exercise, there are summer plans for trips, there are festivals coming up, concerts, summer blockbusters, great weather, great gay bars, lots of women and of course, my birthday. Enough to keep me busy, and busy makes me happy.

Maybe this endless roller coaster I'm willing putting myself through is why my feelings are generally under control. I'm happy being busy, I'm happy being single. I'm happy even though she's really far away, I'm happy because I'm not depending on her any longer.

She stopped being complicated and mysterious and inexplicable to me when I learned to understand why she does the things she does. I've accepted all she does, who she does, how she is. She's not a very typical girl. I guess being a lesbian alone can make you different from societies model. She is complex and odd and unique. She has issues with trust, commitment, labels, society at large. I'm not like that. I'm very average, I've always stuck to the lines of what society defined as right and wrong.

It wasn't until I met her that I started toeing the line, and questioning everything. And it has been that learning process, that acceptance that has made my relationship with The Girl easier. Because what I had to learn is that I can't put her in a mold, I can't fit her in my logical brain, her behavior and attitude and personality can't be labeled or filed under a specific category.

Oh and yeah, we are in a relationship, weather she wants to admit that or not. Granted is not what I ever thought a relationship could be. Its not about the picket fence, or the future or bank accounts. Its not about what we have in common, what books we read, what music we listen to, going to the movies, what we eat and don't eat, or meeting each other's friends and parents.

I'm not too sure what exactly is our relationship is about. I do know that while she's bouncing around people, feelings, situations... I'm pretty content just sitting back and waiting for her to figure out what she needs to figure out, after all, I'm doing the exact same thing. And we haven't exhausted ourselves yet, there are still a few things we need to experience.

In the world of women

I went to a lesbian bar last night for the first time. It was amazing.

I have been struggling lately with the decisions of which clubs to go to: straight or gay. I don't know if I can go to a straight club and enjoy it, at least at the moment. I'm craving the experiences and the comfort of a women, or guys that don't want to sleep with you. Truth was, I had never been because I don't have gay friends (that I haven't slept with) that willingly want to come with me.

So running out of ideas, and feeling more and more antsy (read: horny), I bit the bullet and brought along J and The Roommate. But I was apprehensive, I felt I was making them uncomfortable just because I didn't have the guts to go into a gay club on my own. I made a selfish decision and brought them with me anyway. And it was so cool, they were there for me, in support of me. They had a great time, which in turn, made it so that I had a blast.

And in that high I was swimming in, I felt I was capable of everything. So I saw this girl I liked, and went for it. We danced for a bit, flirted, tried to talk over the boom-boom of the speakers... one thing led to another, and then we ended up in my bed. The result? A one night stand with a girl (who I'm calling Frekles), which incidentally is so much better. She was from out of town, she was my age, she had experience, and she knew what she liked. All in all, it was great.

So score one for the girls. ;)

The last attempt

Remember Cones?. Yeah, the girl that never got back to me, and who literally never messaged me again? Her. I just sent her my last attempt at getting together. But this time I went for it with guns blazing. I told her I wanted to go out with her, this saturday, not to get married and have kids, but for a drink and whatever... and here's my cell number.

A bit forward I know. But that was the advice I got from a friend that has known her for years. She doesn't fuck around, and she's not very romantic, to go straight to the point.

I hope she writes back, I really want to go out this weekend. Plus, I am curious about her. Of course, I'm pretty sure I'm using her to reassure myself of my gay side. But who cares, she certainly doesn't seem like she would.

On being "bisexual"

I found this article today, where someone discusses the label "bisexual" and all that implies. Read here.

That is why, I am so hesitant to call myself bisexual. But I can't make a jump to another label completely. I call myself "sort of gay". So I'm stuck. I am technically bisexual because I can sleep with both men and women, I still find myself attracted to men and women; but at the end of the day, kissing a girl is so much better, having sex with a girl is so much better. But I can't say I'm gay, because that would imply --to me at least-- that this is a decision I will stick with in my future and I can't say that.

Midnight email to The Girl

This has been the tone of every conversation we've had for the last couple of weeks. And let me emphasize, its not one sided. She was the first one to say I miss you, if that's worth anything.
I know when she gets back, it will not be like this; she'll pull back, she'll push me away. I'll deal with whatever comes later, for now I'm enjoying this...

Was thinking of you just now.
the sky is black and cloudless,
remembering that 5 hour call we had,
when i spent most of the night looking out my window.
remembering you next to me,
you are always so warm and smooth and soft
and you always smell amazing
if my fantasies were real, you would be waking up about now
we would spend the next hour or so enjoying things...
but, since that is my overworked imagination
right now i'm actually tired and hungry
i'm scared shitless i'm not going to find a job in time,
and i'm severely missing you.
tho that might be my procrastinating personality not dealing with things.
but i am keeping my hopes up,
i will find a job,
and the rest will somehow fall into place.
i'm also wishing you a great first day tomorrow.
you said you were nervous, but i'm sure it'll go away,
hearing you talk about your work always makes you happy,
therefore, i'm pretty sure you'll be exhausted as shit,
but happy about it all.
i am now off to bed, wondering what the day will bring tomorrow.
okay not really thinking about tomorrow that much,
as much as i'm thinking about you.
if you were here, you would turn around,
face away from me,
my arm would go around your waist
bring you really really close to me so that i can feel all of you,
while i kiss your the back of your neck, breathe you in,
and fall asleep.

Breaking up with Bree

I couldn't hold it back any longer. I had to tell her what I felt. The only thing is that, I did it over email. Cowardly? yes. But I can't see her face if I had to tell her I can't be with her, that I can't have her happiness on my shoulders.

Score

Just added a litle score module to the blog. Just because you know, I need to keep track of the hordes of people I'm sleeping with like it was hockey scores.

Total people I've slept with 10.
What side is winning? the gay side.

Though I should mention the only time the straight side was winning, was when I was on vacation. I couldn't even think about being gay, it felt so wrong.

Weekend Madness

This past weekend I spent it in City H with Skinny, one of my oldest friends. We went to high school, what feels like a centuries ago. I hadn't seen her in a really long time, so I took the opportunity to catch a ride with some friends down there.

The trip was only for 2 days, and in that amount of time I managed to get absurdly drunk, hook up with a guy, and sight-see; all the things a single girl should do when single in a young-hot-looking city. Alright, I wish that was an exaggeration, but its not. And I'm not sure if I find that sad or hilarious.

The first day I dragged her to a gay club. That was a blast. I always feel so comfortable with those guys, they're friendly, and they are not trying to make out with you, and if they are, they (mostly) don't want to end up in bed with you having sex. I feel absurdly safe there. Which must be the reason I drank about 4 different types of alcohol and then I couldn't walk straight on our way home.

The second day I spent feeling the hangover from the night before and sightseeing. I met a bunch of her friends, who are amazing. When it got late, I took a nap, showered and put on my hot/slutish dress --the one that's about an inch below legal. We arrived at this very straight, very posh, expensive looking club and met up with her boyfriend's friend. A boy I'm going to call Twenty3 (not because of his age mind you), but more on him later.

The club was empty at first, but filled up pretty quickly. Though in the time it did, all I could think of was how boring straight clubs were. I felt out of place, and annoyed because men were looking at me, and I could see in their eyes what they were really thinking: "hey wow you're a piece of meat".

I'm going on a side trip for a sec. For some reason that bothers me more and more every day. I used to like being looked at, it was ego-boosting! Now all I can think about is what they're thinking and what they're imagining when they look at me. Before we go any further, this implies I think of myself as hot; but that's not the case, there's nothing remarkable about me, except that I'm in the 'fuckable' category for weight, general face features and personal hygiene. I'm not incredibly beautiful or anything, and generally, once men start talking to me they get discouraged because I'm not girly once I open my mouth.

I hate how superficial they can be. Remember Pool Guy? Well, at first I thought he was like that as well, so I dismissed him right away. But then once I got to know him, I started to like him. He was a really fun guy, he wasn't obviously superficial, and we got along really well. I had a talk with him about this when I was on vacation, about how most men, specially in the country I was in, make judgment about people on the spot. Either you're hot or not.

Maybe that's the crux of things right there. That I hate the superficiality of men in general. And I know they're not all like that, but it generally takes them to "get to know you" before they think of you as fuckable. So this club was a living representation of that concept: you have to be a certain kind of beautiful to be let in, you have to be a certain kind of beautiful to hook up with someone.

Or maybe this whole psychoanalyzing how I feel about men is bullshit and I was just pissed all of the girls were unattainable.

Anyway, I digressed. Twenty3 was hitting on me from the beginning of the night. I was annoyed with it at first, and I didn't want to be rude, or make things awkward. So I figured, he was hot, and he was sweet, so gave in and started accepting his advances. Before I knew it, I was being lifted onto a wall making out with this guy I'd only met hours before. I was having fun, sure, but once in a while I would look at this one girl that I thought was really good looking, and curse the fact that I couldn't just go and hit on her.

Though something funny happened. I did get close enough to her that I started making conversation, before I had the guts to ask her if she was gay, Twenty3 came around and kissed me in front of her. There was not much I could do to prevent her from thinking I wasn't gay.

At the end of the night, things obviously progressed where they were going to progress. I ended up in his house, in his room, in his bed. And he couldn't really... perform. I know. Sad. We spent most of the night trying. He couldn't get off, well he couldn't really get it up either... I was even having a hard time staying turned on, let alone get anywhere.

So It was around this time I started thinking again why I decided to go with him, given the fact that he was a guy (!) and I generally don't like sex with guys. Its always disappointing. And though it was sad (for him), I was actually glad it didn't happen. He was embarrassed, and he was really sweet the next morning, so even though my first foray into the one-night-stand world of men didn't work, I'm really happy with how it all turned out.

The weekend was wild, but fun as hell.

The Girl being girlfriendly

The Girl has gone home. So now that I'm back, she left. It'll be almost 4 months before I see her again.

She's been home two days, and already I've gotten 6 emails, we've chatted online and last night had an amazing conversation on the phone. She becomes someone else when she's there, and she gets clingy and needy with me; just like she did in december. She has a hard time adjusting to life in her city, the expectation that she'll be the same as when she left a year ago, showing that you've grown up, that you're not the same. She uses me as her link or thread to the lifestyle she likes, the life she leads while here in city X.

I like it. I like being there for her, helping her keep her afloat. Even though I know she's like that because there's a safety net: distance. And now that she's reverted back to her girlfriend-ly like behavior, I now know what to expect when she gets back. I know she'll push me away if I push her, she'll freak out if she gets the smallest suspicion we're in a relationship. But for the time being, she feels comfortable with herself and us.

Last night I got an unexpected call from her. I thought she would call this weekend, but she couldn't wait anymore and called me a few days earlier. I couldn't talk to her, I was busy so I told her to call me around midnight. I thought she would be asleep, but she called; and the most amazing part is that we talked for 5 hours and 3 seconds, exactly. Five hours, five!.

It was nice, and it was comfortable. We talked about my trip, her last month here in city X, seeing family, leaving, going back home; about friendships, about relationships, dating, love, sex, us... there was a lot of talking about us; I told her more about Bree, I told her about the pool sex, about being confused on my sexuality; that I was happy to be home, that I wished she hadn't left for the whole summer.

She said she missed me. She said she wished I could be there with her.

From all we talked about, the conversation about love surprised me the most. She told me that she had a conversation with someone about it, and they said love was about being passionate and being crazy, that it caused a lot of jealousy; when she responded that she didn't feel jealousy towards any of the people she loved, they told her maybe she didn't love them enough. She was baffled by that. I told her about my experience with the exB, how I loved him, and it wasnt all about being passionate and crazy, and that I definetly had zero jelousy. I told her I felt secure in my relationship with him, his commitment for me, so I didn't feel possessive. I knew he could flirt, and he could look, but at the end of the day, he's coming to me for the important things.

Then she told me her response towards them: that she didn't think love was about monogamy or being crazy and passionate, that it was about kindness, and patience, and being there even in the bad times, about respects and trust. I don't want to read more into the conversation, but she kinda implied me in the definition. She couldn't believe it had been 6 months since we met, but that she was glad we had, because she'd learned a lot with me. Of course that's an understatement with me. If it wasn't for The Girl, I would be different and none of this would have happened, and I'm happy it has. I told her she was a lot of firsts for me, and to my surprise she said the same about me. But it all scares her. I know she would get really freaked out by it all if she'd been here, but because there's distance between us, she felt safe.

We couldn't hang up. She was supposed to be up early for something, but ended up canceling it, because she wasn't getting any sleep. And still she wouldn't let go. We were quiet for a bit, listening to each other breathe, softly started talking about how it would be had we been in bed together. Tentatively we let loose a bit more and more and fantasized about what we would do. Our breathing changed, the conversation changed, I could hear her like she was next to me.

And there was another first: phone sex. It was intense, and amazing, and crazy. It was amazing the things we said to each other. A long while later, she gave me another first: an orgasm. We were both exhausted, and shaking. It was daylight in my window. I felt amazing. We were both smiling... we could feel it, that quantum of solace, even when she's thousands of miles away. Still we didn't want to hang up, even though we knew we would talk tonight. There was even a brief discussion about who would hang up first.

I'm shaking my head at the absurdity of it, but I'm enjoying the now of it. Whatever happens later, happens. Like she told me last night, "I just like you, a lot". I like you a lot too.

The end of it with Bree

I'm going to see Bree soon, and if I have the guts to go through with it, it might be one of the last.

She opened up to me one day and told me that she cared for me a lot, and that if she let it, it could go farther than that. She felt great when she was with me, and she liked everything about me. She said I'm perfect. She put me up in this pedestal, making me this amazing person, making what we have amazing. She only asked me to let her know if I became interested in someone else, and just stop our relationship so that she wouldn't feel gutted. And even though she has a hard time understanding why I can't give her a relationship, she accepts it.

If she knew the truth about everything she would know I'm not either that nice, or amazing, or perfect. I'm incredibly selfish, and a liar.

I dumped her for another girl the last night we were supposed to be together, I told her there could be nothing between us and then I had sex with another guy in front of her at a pool; the whole time I've had this ongoing emotional non-relationship with The Girl.

And the only thing I feel bad or guilty about is that she is going to get hurt, but I don't regret my actions, and I don't regret the continuous lying. I wish I could tell her that I had been lying to her, and that things are not as they seem but what would be the point? I would hurt her even more than if I were to just tell her the whole "its me not you" routine.

Which is coincidentally what I'm telling her today. That I can't deal with the responsibility of her happiness on my shoulders. That I'm bound to end up hurting her. And that I don't want to feel guilty if I had the opportunity to be with someone (example: one night stand), but I couldn't because I had to let her know first.

The only problem is that I hate breaking up with people. I hate knowing I'm causing them pain. And I hate how awkward it can be. So there's a chance I'm going to delay it. I'm a coward.

I'm back, and it feels great!

Just got back from my vacation trip. I've been here for 2 days and I feel amazing. I have so much to post. I actually wrote a lot on my journal while I was there, so I have a few flashback moments to post later.

In the meantime, I will be updating whats happened recently, and re-writing the pool sex scene. It needs to be spiced up and more detail needs to be added so that it feels as outrageous as I do.

Update

Bree never found out about me and the pool sex. She did confess the guy kissed her that night, and when I didn't respond alarmingly enough, a conversation ensued. The outcome? I am going to have to break up with her when I get back. Well, breaking up is too strong of a word, since we don't actually have anything together. But anyways. Everything is okay. Except I'm now having a hard time thinking I have to leave.

Total people I've had sex with: 9

It was in a pool, at 6 in the morning, with a lot of booze, and Bree sleeping in an extension chair next to us. It was a he. And he was actually really good.

But let me tell you, he's a slut. He was sort of hitting on Bree during the night, but she fell asleep, and I was left with him. To be honest, if Bree was not in town, I would totally make a move on him. Its a little complicated for either one of us to be showing interest in a guy when we're secretly sleeping with each other.

But anyway, I was having fun with him. She fell asleep on a chair, we stayed in the pool and watched the sun come up, drank my 30th beer of the night; one thing led to another and then there I was, having sex with the guy, surrounded by houses and with patrolling security guards everywhere.

I have no idea if Bree heard us or saw us.

So at 7am, thinking it was time for bed, we come home. He and I went our separated directions, Bree went to bed, and that was that.

But Bree woke up once I laid down. And she wanted to have sex. I said no. I was drunk, I didn't want to fall asleep on her. But she wouldn't hear of it, so this could be considered sorta non-consensual. Though to be honest, 2 minutes into it was definetly consensual. And it was her doing me, because she wouldn't let me touch her.

Anyway, do you have any idea how awkward this entire situation is?