Bree in town

I told the exB about Bree coming to town, and he took it like a friend. He said that no, I definetly didn't owe him any explanations, though he was glad I told him. He wasn't upset, he wasn't sarcastic, he was actually joking around about other things. Its good.

So now I'm feeling a lot better about this whole thing.

But now mom started asking questions about Bree. Of course, she wants to know who I'm bringing into town, while I'm on vacation. She's being curious and motherly of course, but I feel, really uncomfortable talking to her about Bree.

I'm also feeling a bit apprehensive about Bree being here and interacting with my family. For one thing, all contact I have with her is flirty and or intimate. If I take those two things out of the equation, I don't know whats left, after all I met her only a couple of months ago.

I'm also not so excited to be sneaking around anymore. I mean, can you imagine if we're found out? Its just not something people are okay with here. I felt so comfortable with the idea before, but now I feel like I have to keep it in, like its not right.

The Girl in December

Back in December when The Girl was gone for a whole month and we were still dating, we fell into this habit of texting each other pretty constantly. It got to a point where we even texted each other before going to bed to say goodnight. Then she came back in January and decided it was too much .

I've come to realize in the months that followed that what we had was neither a NSA relationship, or a friendship or an actual relationship; it was a combination of those 3, that evolved into some amazing moments shared once a week. We were not accountable to each other, we were not monogamous, we were not best friends. It probably would never have been this complicated, if it wasn't because of that feeling that makes us come back for more.

Even now, as I date other people, as she sleeps with whoever she wants to sleep with; in different countries, cities, etc. We still talk, and we still share, the same way we always did.

In the last couple of days we've talked a bit; about me and how I'm adjusting to this place, about us, about her and her life over there, her issues with A.G. Its one of those never-ending conversations.

But today, she shed light on something I'd been wondering about for months. Her behavior in december, how close she got, to then push me completely away. She said it was two things, the first one, that she missed me because she didn't get to see me as often; the second one that she knows I couldn't ask that much of her over text/chat/email.

But thats as far as the conversation got, because she had to go somewhere. I'm waiting on seeing how it finishes.

Either way, I'm kinda happy to know the missing part wasn't, and isn't, one sided.

On coming out

I don't feel as strongly about telling my family anymore. There's no rush really. It'll happen when it happens.

Second thoughts

Bree is definetly coming. I was all excited about the possibilities last week, now I'm not so excited. I think it has to do with the fact that I haven't told the exB.

And I know, I don't owe him explanations, I don't have to explain myself. But still, I don't want him to think this is more than what it is. I don't want anyone to think that for that matter, tho who's opinion I really care about are very few.

Virtual night with The Girl

I had this really nice chat with The Girl a couple of nights ago, the kind of conversation we usually have when we spend the night together. The funny thing was, after 2 hours, she didn't want to leave. Its nice to know that even though we don't talk all that often anymore, she still likes to talk to me and trusts me.

Defining expectations

There's an 80% chance Bree is coming here next week. She'll be joining me and my family for a couple of days of fun and adventure. The whole thing, completely in the closet of course.

It all came about because since I arrived here, I've been slightly homesick and bored. The feeling never really left me, so I asked her. I was trying to figure out the logistics of it, and I think we can swing it.

So today, we were talking about it again, and she mentions how I should think this over one last time, she didn't want me to feel pressured. I assured her I wasn't feeling pressure, and that I wanted her to be here. But then she says, she wants to make sure it will be a fun trip, and she was nervous, after all I've known her for a very short time, and I am introducing her to my family and my world here.

So I had to set things straight, over chat no less. I told her what I felt. I didn't want her visit here to be a stepping stone to anything, to not complicate fun with the possibility of us becoming something more.

She said she wasn't expecting anything out of it, and that she understood. She didn't say much after that, although she insisted she was alright. Its been a couple of hours, and she's really subdued.

I feel like a bitch, I keep putting all these conditions on her, and she keeps taking them. Its so damn similar to what I felt with The Girl, when she started throwing little things here and there, "I don't do relationships", or "I don't do monogamy", etc. So now I've been on both ends of it, and it definetly sucks to do it to someone else.

Random Call

I got a call from the exB last night at 4 in the morning.

He was a bit drunk, and he wanted to talk.

We spoke for a good half hour... about things here, the semi-depressive mood I've been in, and about him and how things are going for him.

It was nice to talk to a familiar voice.

In the closet...

I tried to tell my sister about me... I couldn't.

I sat there thinking, just tell her, just do it... I couldn't.

Finally Trouble

Just witnessed a family feud. Its interesting. I'm highly amused and frustrated. I can't really say anything else at the moment, but I needed to let it out. Everything else is great. The trip is starting to shape up. :)

Though I still go through bouts of withdrawal and sort of loneliness. But today, finally, at my sisters is awesome.

Fast starting?

EDIT: The names on this post were wrong. Oops.

I've spent three days here already. Almost getting used to things again. I'm on the move a lot, not really sure whats going on. I don't have the stability I have at home any longer. Things here move at a very frenzied pace, something I outgrew years ago.

So I'm not sure if its that I've been reluctant to let go of my world, or that I was lonely, or that I am looking to complicate my life... but somehow, as I was talking to Bree this afternoon, I mentioned that it would be great if she spent some time here. After all, I have nothing to do.

The thing is that I didn't think it through. It would be cool to have someone to spend time with, but really, I don't have an excuse to bring her here. I don't know how to answer the eventual questions to my family. I would be complicating my life if I bring her here, though its totally possible and probably a lot of fun.

The reason why I have the feeling I sort of stepping on thin ice, is because I'm not totally positive the message I would be sending to Bree and everyone else really. I would do it for fun, I don't know if it would be taken as fast-starting a relationship. I guess if we just made things clear it would be okay, but still.

What would the exB think? or The Girl...

Another world

Its been a long day.

I rushed this morning to get home, pack and get my shit together for my month-long vacation; after all, I had planned on doing it sunday night. The possible stress and guilt of my decision of spending the night with The Girl, didn't even make me reconsider.

Then after I was done I rushed all my stuff to Bree's place. I wanted to see her, and try to make it up to her before I left. We didn't have much time really, but we had a really nice afternoon, and not only because we ended up in bed, but because... I felt settled and calm with her. This is what I wrote on my journal about it:

[ Right now, I smell Bree on me. And the memories are sweet and nice. She is so cute and shy sometimes. She gave me this cute take away gift for the flight...so thoughtful. Then there's the fact that she's persistent as hell, because She made it happen again, twice. Even the nap was glorious. ]

So now, I am finally at destination x. It was a long flight. But now I feel like its a whole other day, and everything that happened last night and this afternoon feels like weeks ago. A part of me is almost frustrated knowing its already behind me, after all its my life and my world that I'm cutting myself off from; and another part of me wants to just let it go. Its like I just left something behind, and while that's nerve-racking, I also feel I'm not really loosing anything.

This trip... it feels like it will allow me to grow up. To find myself, learn to be myself. These last 6 months have been such an amazing journey. So now, this trip feels like its my transition into my new life. New job, new friends, new sexuality, new place to live, new outlook in life.

I wonder what new things will come out of this trip. After all, I have no plans, no expectations. Good things generally come out of that.

Last minute

The exB just told me to say hi to everyone back home. He feels bad he hasn't talked to any of them. And then, he finishes it off with: "Tell your mom that I'm sorry. "

He is so sweet sometimes.

I really do love him, as much as he pisses me off. Huh, I really am happy that I can say that and not feel loss.

Offline

I'm leaving soon. I will be away for a month, so my posts might be sporadic.

Lies, Lies

I went to see The Girl yesterday. I spent the whole day with her. What was supposed to be a couple of hours, went from breakfast to lunch to dinner and a sleep over. The night was coming to a close, and she told me she didn't want me to leave; my instant reaction? Guilt, because I wanted to stay.

See, the guilt came because I had plans to see Bree last night. I had to lie and cancel so that I could spend the night with The Girl. Now its super late, and I don't know if I can see Bree before I go. And she really wanted to see me.

So yeah, I feel guilty. Because I don't regret spending the night, because I should probably feel guiltier, because I'm shattering this image Bree has of me, because I had to lie.

But it doesn't matter what moods I go through, or how long its been, or if I'm pissed at The Girl. Its always amazing with her. I think I just have gotten better at dealing with the distance and the space she puts between us.

Setting Boundaries

I was soo carried away with the Big O experience, I forgot to write about the talk I had with Bree yestarday.

I finally told her that I couldn't make a commitment with someone. After being with the exB for so long, I needed time to learn and be on my own. I felt that if I made a commitment I would go back to being that person I was before: clingy, submissive, bored. I needed to push my boundaries, I still do. Its a selfish thing to do, but I can't do otherwise. It makes me feel bad I'm putting these conditions out there, but I would feel worse if I didn't have the freedom I need. She understood, she accepted, as long as we were honest with each other.

Ouch. And no, I didn't tell her about The Girl.

But I told her that I was trying to not label things, I was trying to just go with it, and avoid my usual jumping to a definition. Which is why I hadn't had this conversation with her before. She was cool with it. I told her I wanted to continue seeing her, that I liked her, but that I wasn't sure what was going to happen.

That she understood. After all, she met me while she was dating another guy, then the unexpected happen: she had the opportunity to explore her bisexual side. She understands that we can't plan for things, that the best things come when you don't expect them.

The Big "O"

Last night went down in my books as another first. I now know what its like to experience an orgasm brought on by someone else. I now know that its in-fucking-credible. I'm still in shock it happened at all.

And it was with Bree.

I could end the post there. But I need to let this stuff out of my head, because I have thoughts going in circles. I know this statement is a bit out there considering I've never actually talked about orgasms here or weather I've ever experienced one or not. I feel I have to explain to you, and myself.

I have experienced them [orgasms]. Though I got a late start, I was 19 I think, two years after I had sex; and I was by myself. It was one of those rare times I was, *blush*, masturbating. I had this stupid vibrating thing my boyfriend at the time bought me, that I decided to try on my own. It was barely an orgasm. Even after trying over and over, it took me months to label what I'd been feeling as orgasms, because they weren't earth shattering or mind blowing like everyone said they'd be. But never, never did I actually get there because of someone else.

Believe me, this was another point of self-consciousness for 18 year-old me. I researched, I googled, I learned. Side note: it was that googling and researching that made me come across an erotic story that opened the door to me being with a girl. But anyway, I accepted that it had nothing to do with them, but me. I was too self-concious, and my mind would race with possibilities: they were getting bored, they would think it took me too long, they would think I'm bossing them around. So anytime they tried, I let them, only briefly, then went on the offensive. So I got gratification in sex by bringing them off.

The thing is, I don't enjoy being on the offensive with a guy. First, its too easy. All I had to do with look at them and they would be turned on, and in 5 minutes flat I could get them to come. I was always submissive with men, I liked being submissive with men. I always wanted them to blow me away and give me this mind-blowing sexual experience. And it was even that mentality that got me having sex with A.G.

With women, well I really do enjoy being dominant. I get more satisfaction from getting a girl off than a guy, the responses are better. As to how I feel with I'm with a girl, well, I stopped feeling self-concious, I stopped feeling like I'm bossing them, or that they were getting bored, or any of that mental crap that generally flew through my mind. I just... enjoyed. Even when I didn't get anything out of it.

The experiences were different with everyone. I'm going to mention only those that made an impact in my life. The exB was the most emotionally incredible sex I've ever had. There were waves of feelings running through both of us. I loved sex with him, because I loved him and we matched. But I felt the most self-concious with him. I had waay too many things running through my head when I had sex with him. With The Girl, its intense, and charged with something, though its definitely not love. But sex with her was wild and... not soft or patient. Then there is Bree, who is quiet and soft and patient. Incredibly enough, even though we've had sex what 3 times, all 3 times she's made me feel amazing. But sex is not emotionally charged, or super crazily intense, its just great.

And somehow, she did it. Well not somehow, she was persistent. But what makes no sense is that I've had sex for longer and what I thought felt more incredible with The Girl, but she didn't bring me off. I don't understand whats different. What made me let go? What made me let go with Bree? Why not the exB, with whom I spent years trying, whom I loved.

I'd stopped thinking it would ever happen. I'd come to believe I was just meant to enjoy people, and then enjoy myself in my own solitude. I'm happy it happened. I'm happy someone proved to me, it can happen. Another great thing? It didn't leave me emotionally vulnerable. It just left me wanting it... again. :)

While I'm on the topic [sex]

Okay. This post may contain a bit too much information. I feel odd about posting so much about the people I've been with, but its really about how I feel. So here goes....

I just wrote that long post about The Girl where I mention sex between us. I can't believe I didn't notice before that the last time she had sex with me (and I really liked it) was probably in february. Its been me on some sort of obssesive track to make her feel amazing. Because I absolutely love seeing and feeling her respond to a kiss, to touch, to anything. When The Girl likes something her body responds even before she has the chance to make a sound. Which is freaking hot.

With Bree on the other hand, it has taken a while for her to relax and loosen up. I think she may just be nervous and/or self-concious. So her responses, compared to The Girl's, were basically non-existent. That was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Because it makes me feel there's no connection. If I can't see how much she's enjoying it, I don't take it as being good.

So that's sex with them. But for me though. I don't know how I didn't notice this, or how it didn't matter. Bree is really good. It took The Girl longer to get to that point. So I guess is now me responding, and her enjoying the responses. The role reversal is odd. Because I enjoy this new part of me, and I don't want to loose it. I don't know if liking Bree is enough to loose this new part of my personality that I enjoy so much.

Solution: get her to respond to what I do.

PS: this post has not been edited or made pg-13.

Guilty

I slept with The Girl. I didn't stick to my plan of saying no on monday.

That's the only thing I've been able to write about that night. Probably because we left our conversations unfinished.

We met for dinner, and from the beginning I was distant. I was feeling the scales tipping with Bree, and I was hesitant as to what the night would bring. And I kept the distance for a while, until we started drinking. I loosened up, and I started to feel comfortable --which is so easy with her.

Three beers later we were joking about our first time, and the wildest most amazing sex we've had. Into our fourth beer we started talking about our other sexual experiences, hers and mine included; which eventually turned into talking about Bree, and about [random girl] (I was right, she has a huge crush on The Girl). But we had to halt our conversations then because A.G showed up. 3 beers and 3 hours later we went to her place. And I was drunk.

There was a lot of talking, mumbling, almost sleeping, and sex in between. So our conversations started, stopped, got lost, got forgotten. One thing was clear though, it was comfortable and intense, and it was good, but there was no quatum of solace, there was no trembling knees. The sex was... completely one sided. And it was clearly sex, nothing more. Which made me think, when was the last time she had sex with me and I loved it? Before I met Bree. Because don't get me wrong, sex has been incredible, but it has been the experience of... (sorry for language), fucking her, not her fucking me.

Aside from that, one thing I remember clearly telling her was that I didn't think I could do it [continue seeing her and Bree]. I can't remember what the response was to that. Neither can I remember how she ended up asking me if I wanted to be in a relationship with her, to which I answered, yes I wanted to, but only if she trusted me, and only if she wouldn't be unhappy with it. The rest is just a jumble of words that have no connection or meaning.

You know what really struck me from that night? Not that we established we are not going to get together, or that she can't give me more, or that she has trust and commitment issues, or that I told her I liked Bree a lot, or how great she feels, or the great sex we had. It was her perfume. It.. changed. She ran out of it, and I remember her mentioning how she didn't have that much left, and me asking her to just get another bottle. She wouldn't. So she switched. And yes, she smelled great, but she smelled different. It wasn't the same powerful -stuck in my brain- scent.

The first night we met, I spent a big part of the night dancing and holding her close to me, which put me in perfect position to just... take her all in. When I went home that night, coincidentally, I stayed with the exB that night, I took my shirt off and it smelled of her. I didn't wash that shirt all week. And as embarrassing as it sounds, I kept going back to it and smelling it. The night we kissed in the rain, all I could smell was rain, fall, and her. And now, she's just not the same for me.

So, things are moving along, and they're not staying the same. Yeah, there's a bit of sadness, a bit of regret, a bit of mellancolly.... But I'm rather accepting of it all. I'm taking it all in and letting it just be.

The scales are tipping

This past weekend was amazing. I planned a small get-together for all my friends, something I hadn't done in a while. I remembered how much I enjoy creating social events and bringing people together. I love seeing people enjoy themselves and have a blast. The planning, the details, the anticipation, seeing people you haven't seen in a while, introducing those that are very unlikely to meet, witness those kodak moments. It was incredibly fun.

Also, something has shifted between me and Bree, or maybe between me and The Girl. Before that small party on saturday, I was I was having a hard time dealing with the lack of intensity and connection with Bree, Bree's obvious crush and and my inability to let go of The Girl.

Saturday afternoon while I lazed the afternoon away I wrote about the almost visible end. I texted The Girl before I made that post, but she didn't get back to me until hours later; which I expected, because the day was too nice for her to worry about things like her cellphone. I talked to her briefly and confirmed plans for today, plans we'd made early last week. See, those plans were my way of righting the wrong I'd done: not inviting her to the party. I felt odd talking to her, specially because she knew I was having a party. We talked only for a short while.

I forgot about her soon enough as I had a party to take care of. But also, my thoughts turned to Bree. She was going to meet, literally everyone I knew that night, including family members of the exB. Mostly though, I just wanted to see her again, I wanted it to work and that night was the one of the last chances I was giving it. And she came through.

Publicly, I just showed her more interest than everyone else. I knew she wasn't out so I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Or make her friend uncomfortable either who had just found out about her being bi and about us dating. But towards the end of the night, we somehow ended up near on of the rooms without people around, so I pulled her into the dark to give her a kiss.

Somehow that turned into almost having sex against a wall with the door open. It was damn hot. And it was intense. :D We got caught, thankfully by The Roommate only, but everyone knew we were in there. I walked out at one point with my belt open, which was funny because I ran into someone who didn't know about me being gay. But anyway, she didn't stay that night, which may have added spark to things. Then yesterday I met her and her friend for a movie. It was less intense than the almost-sex, but it was more comfortable than previous times we've gotten together. Though the quietness returned as soon as I took her home; she was nervous and she was unreadable, which makes me self-conscious. But I talked her out of it I think. We spent a good 3 hours talking, laughing and just hanging out together in bed.

This morning I woke up next to her, feeling okay with the whole thing. I was happy. The feeling is different as that one I have with The Girl, but it was good. I think this is me realizing that not everyone will make me feel the same, but that it can be good anyways. I'm still a bit scared she's a bit too into me, of course, selfishly afraid I'll hurt her. She asked me to go on vacation with her..... [long pause]. I don't know what to say to that. It would be fun, but not something I can do. I'm not going to be around for the dates anyway, but the point was, she offered.

But. Here's the big but. Even with that, scales are tipping... largely towards Bree.

The thing is... I haven't seen The Girl in almost two weeks. Longest period we've gone so far I think. What does that tell me? That I stop craving her about a week and a half after I see her. That even though I think about how amazing it is, I can let it go. The problem is I'm going to see her tonight, and I don't know whats going to happen.

A big part of me thinks I should cancel. Stop it while I'm ahead type thing. Another part of me thinks we can hang out together and be friends and not let anything happen because I'm not going to fall prey to the quantum of solace again, the feeling just won't be there. I'm not sure on either. So I'm going to go with it... I sort of want to see if she missed me. It maybe selfish, but knowing she didn't makes it easier for me to let go, its almost like closure. But if she did, and I fall prey to it again, then...then I'm fucked. Literally.

I feel guilty already, and nothing has happened.

The Upcoming end of things?

A couple of days ago I get a text from The Girl telling me she was finally done with a class project, one that she has been working on for as long as we've known each other. The topic was one I have first hand knowledge of. It was the reason we exchanged phone numbers the night we met.

I didn't know that until later, but by then, it didn't matter. It just made me realize how incredibly lucky that night was. By all means, it probably wouldn't have happened, but things aligned themselves right. First, an all male club, 15% of the crowd was female. I would say about 4% of the female crowd is gay. In an average night there, I see about 2 girls that I like. But the night we met was my first time at that club, I wouldn't realize how difficult it is for that situation to happen until months later. Second, she was/is gorgeous. Third, she was interested and gay. What are the chances we would click? Incredibly slim. What are the chances I would end up with her phone number? Even smaller. What are the chances that from everyone at that club, I was the only girl that knew about that topic she was doing her presentation in?

Yeah. Once you break it all down, it probably shouldn't have happened. And if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have realized about me being gay, and this blog would probably be not nearly as interesting. Really though, it makes me feel small; it makes our relationship feel like the result of a perfectly timed symphony of events.

But anyway, back to my original point. We met around the same time she started her project. She said she felt I was part of the process; I did too, after all, it was a topic that is very close to me. Incredibly enough, its a topic we disagree on, which added to the whole "its never going to work between us" theory. But on Thursday, it was over. She finished.

The project was something that was part of our backdrop almost. That it was over made me feel nostalgic. I didn't like the symbolism of it to be honest. I mean, there goes the project, there I go on a month long trip, there she goes home for the summer.

All the changes... happening at the same time. I feel... its getting close to the end. I don't know if its the end of our relationship... but its like this train's last stop before it takes on another track, and goes on a different direction.

So here I am, on a gorgeous saturday afternoon; looking out the window, listening to the sounds of the city, writing while I look at the blue of the sky. I can feel the momentum of these changes coming. I can see the next stop. And all I want to do is go back to that dock and feel time crawl by again, feel those things again.

Incredibly enough, I'm not sad or frustrated at how this is turning out. Although I am slightly frustrated I haven't been able to see The Girl, I almost feel like its for the best. A part of me thinks I should break it off before I go, while another part of me thinks I should wait and hope. What I am hoping for? That she'll go home, and... maybe realize it could work. The part of me that thinks I should break it off, the logical part, the guilty part, thinks I could make it work with Bree.

But how can I make it work with Bree? As great as our phone conversations are, our physical closeness lacks... all sorts of things. And the more I think about it, the more I think its not going to work. But of course, the longer I wait, the more she has grown attached. Plus I'm always going to wonder where that quatum of solace or that understanding is.
The worst part is that I want all of that with Bree... she is almost perfect. But the situation is not.

Which, then brings me to... did The Girl raise the bar? Will I always now look for the incredibly passionate wild complicated comfort and understanding feeling with someone? Is it unfair to expect that out of people? And the question that scares me the most... is it rare?

Finally... a break.

I have little over a week left before I take a nice long vacation, or rather... a break. Everyone seems to be asking me the same question "Are you excited?" And to be honest, I don't know. Part of me is, after all, I get to put my life on hold for a month. But another part of me feels odd about leaving now that things are finally starting to click.

Things always come when you least expect them (that's my new life motto). The Girl, Bree, the exB. Now even my living situation came completely out of the blue. This trip.

Apparently when people say things work themselves out, they were right. But back in January when I was depressed and things weren't going my way, I was fervently hoping to go away somewhere for awhile, but I never dared. I should have. But didn't. Its too late now to regret actions, but its not late to learn the lesson: sometimes when shit is really not working, a break is a good idea.

I was so damn proud before. I had to prove to the exB and to myself I could be alone, I could deal with everything, I could pull things off. And I did. But it was touch and go for a while. It makes me wonder if I could have avoid it my super great idea, or that night with A.G. But whatever.

Now its April. Summer is around the corner, and my life seems to be on track. I'm taking a break, I'm putting my career to the forefront, I met a nice girl that even the exB likes, and I have a great new Roommate. I'm happy again. I'm busy and occupied. I am where I wanted to be all winter.

I feel I'm finally arriving at that spot where you feel content being yourself, not depending on someone else for happiness. With The Roommate here, the new apartment, moving, etc, I've been occupied enough to not notice that I don't feel lonely anymore. And while that could all be because of The Roommate, I just don't feel the urge to share things or spend all my time with The Girl, or some other person I may be romantically involved with.

But why can't I stop thinking of how many days I have left with The Girl? (nine...), or the fact that I keep feeling we're throwing a great opportunity away? Or that she's spoiling a great opportunity with Bree for me?

Moment of truth

J: Would you say that the thing that's lacking with Bree is mostly if not all caused by comparing your experience with her with your experience with The Girl?

Me: The thing that's lacking with Bree is intensity. And I'm noticing that because I'm comparing them, and because I have The Girl to compare her against.

J: Right and if you hadn't had The Girl to compare when it comes to level and ease of intensity would you still say the same?

Me: No. I wouldn't say the same. I would probably be quite happy with what I have/had/will have with Bree.

=================

Problem is that my focus is completely on The Girl because our relationship is ongoing and it has either no growing room or closure. We're not in a relationship but we're not broken up. She doesn't want more, I don't want more because it would probably not work, it would ruin our connection and because she's unhappy.

But even then, I keep considering (and hoping) the idea that she will realize when she comes back from her 5 month long trip, that it could work with us. Its like I'm automatically saving a spot for her, even though it could/would probably ruin my relationships either with Bree, or whoever.

Then J mentioned something about open relationships. And it just clicked. That's the only way it would. If we make some level of emotional commitment, but no physical commitment. We're free to see other people, as long as we remain honest and keep that emotional bond with each other --which is basically what we keep doing anyway. The hard part is accountability, she doesn't like people to keep tabs on her, she likes her space, she likes her many different groups of friends. I will have absolutely no control over that, and chances are, our worlds would not mix much.

But I would be willing to give it a try.