On Saturday I took Bree out with me to an event that ended up having all of my friends present, including the exB. And It went remarkably well. In all fairness, I dropped her into it and let her sink or swim. She swam. Even when the exB sat her down to talk to her... which could have been awkward. She's was great with my friends, and even the exB said he was happy for me, and that he liked her, which to be honest was a relief. We weren't doing any PDA (public displays of affection) but, I wasn't pretending we were just friends either. Responses were positive all around, which is also awesome.
We ended up going to her place for the night. We talked for a bit, just general random stuff, nothing intense or specific. And it was after 15 minutes of this that I felt comfortable enough to try to kiss her. I had the same feeling I had with her the first night: I wasn't sure how to read her.
We ended up in bed, fully clothed. I wasn't even sure what was going to happen, thats how odd it was. But eventually, we sort of had sex. I'm not too sure what happened, I was a bit drunk, and exhausted (after moving all day), and... I kinda fell asleep on her. I know, sad.
Its just that the level of intensity is... just not too high. Once in a while she'll say something incredibly hot and amazing, but then it goes back to silent and slow and sweet. Not that I mind, but where's the connection, where's the intensity, the--pardon the word-- passion? Where is that thing that makes it so that you spend hours with someone wanting to lick and bite every fucking inch???? I want to, but she doesn't seem to keep up with me, which is... disappointing.
I was talking to a friend recently that told me something interesting. Apparently I have a the 'hero' trait. Its almost like I'm looking for people that I can save, but not in the "let me help you get out of drugs" sense. Like I want to protect them, and help them, and be there for them in certain ways. Which explains a lot why I like the roles I play in gay relationships, the controlling, dominant personality that opens doors and enjoys being a (ugh) gentleman. So with The Girl, I like protecting her, and being there for her specially knowing other people haven't. With Bree... there's not much of that. There's nothing for me to save her from, there is no role I'm fitting... its just confusing. I'm not sure what we are, I'm not sure what she expects...
Which brings me to something she mentioned to me recently. About how much she likes me, and likes talking to me, and how much she enjoys being with me. She definetly is the relationship type of girl. She told me she's not the kind of girl that goes two-timing people, she doesn't like lying... etc etc etc. You get the point.
The thing is... things are just not clear with her. I mean, sex is not mind-blowing or comfortable, but its sweet. Our dates seemed at times strained, at times more like a friendship outing. And then conversations on the phone are super fun and hillarius and comfortable. She likes me but doesnt' physically show it (even when we're alone), but says it once in a while. I want to really try with her, but then I sort of want to end it because its not as intense. I have all these conflicting feelings...
But the bottom line is, I keep comparing her with The Girl, and I don't know if I can continue to lie to her. I want to tell her about The Girl, but I don't because its selfish and it will serve no purpose. But if I hide it, can I live with the lie?
And can I try to make this work? Can I make this into a simple no strings relationship? Can I continue to be myself with her or will it make me become the settled person I was with the exB?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Moved In
I've been on the go for the last couple of days. I haven't had the chance to post much.
I just finished moving into the new place. The apartment is gorgeous and big and bright. It feels more like home after a day, than the old place did after 3 months. I'm happy. This whole living with someone again makes me feel... more normal.
The Roommate is hillarius and funny. She gives me my space, she understands my quirkyness, and we are comfortable with each other.
For the first time in months I'm happy to be coming home.
I just finished moving into the new place. The apartment is gorgeous and big and bright. It feels more like home after a day, than the old place did after 3 months. I'm happy. This whole living with someone again makes me feel... more normal.
The Roommate is hillarius and funny. She gives me my space, she understands my quirkyness, and we are comfortable with each other.
For the first time in months I'm happy to be coming home.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Suddenly Protective
Note: I just re-read this post... it sounds like a bad fanfic. I shall rewrite if I can. Otherwise I apologize for the low quality on this one.
Last night I had this sudden urge to go walk around with The Girl through the city. I was feeling particularly inspired and full of energy. I wanted to spend an hour or two with her aimlessly walking around.
I text her to see if she was awake and right away she replies back that she was; so I ask her if she wants to walk with me. Fifteen minutes later I don't hear from her, so childishly I texted her back saying I could take a hint. But right after I sent the message I get a call back; she said she was sorry but A.G wouldn't stop talking. She tells me I should join them. But I'm not too sure, I ask if 3's company, but she says no because there's another girl with them; I ask if 4's company, she says no. First I was a bit peeved that she couldn't text back and say no, and then when she calls back and says I should join, I'm curious as to what the 3 of them are doing together. Because yeah, I know the other girl is gay too, I didn't want to arrive and suddenly have The Girl flaunt our non-monogamy in my face.
But I was curious and bored and wired enough, so I went. A.G and The Girl were a bit drunk, so they gave me and [random girl] a nice show of stupid funny antics. All I could do was laugh at them. It was friendly between all of us, not awkward which I was happy about.
Usually when I go out with The Girl in public in presence of other people, we don't behave like a couple. She does her thing, I do my thing. [random girl] didn't know of any relationship between any of us, and I didn't show/tell her either. I saw [random girl] flirt with The Girl though, which I guess should have made feel insecure (specially because I knew they'd made out at some point or other --this The Girl told me); but The Girl told me to stay over at her place. So as much as they flirted or whatever, I was the one sleeping next to her that night.
After drinking we went over to another place to get some food. I was hoping we would eat, then go home because I could tell The Girl was exhausted and wanted to go. But somehow A.G ends up hitting on this guy on the table behind us --who was straight I may add, so we end up joining tables and talking to "the jocks".
So while A.G is hitting on Jock A; Jock B sidles over to [random girl] and me, and starts talking to us. Honestly I was tired, and not generally in the mood to be friendly; but A.G seemed to be really into Jock A, so I figured I should make the night bearable so I pumped up my friendlyness. But I guess he misunderstood because he starts hitting on me, kissing my hand, outrageously flirting, etc, even though I dropped enough hints about my sexual orientation. After 20 minutes of it, I made some covert gesture to The Girl, hinted if she wanted to go; she nodded with such enthusiasm I actually got up and abruptly said it was time to go.
As we're saying goodbye, a process that took another 10 minutes, Jock B comes over to me and asks if he could give me a goodbye kiss. I told him no, but I felt like a bitch so I told him I would kiss him, but I wasn't going to make out with him. I couldn't believe he was going to pull that move on me, so I held his face and kissed his cheek; he tried to turn his face but I held him firm and told him it wasn't going to happen. But he keeps holding onto my hand and generally being annoying.
The Girl noticed because she came over and said she wanted to go. JockB caught on and asked if I was her woman. I looked at her, and she replied that I was without an ounce of doubt. He went over to [random girl] and asked if she was too, but this time The Girl hesitated, then said she was also. Joking ensued of course, about how greedy she was and what not. I was tired, and I saw the event for what it was, a joke. Finally, we left.
On the walk home, the four of us are walking side by side, and as usual I keep my distance. I was walking a bit behind the group, giving them room as A.G was stumbling all over the place. But The Girl held back and stretched her hand out to me. I took it assuming she would drop it, but instead linked fingers with mine. We walked all the way home like that, in front of both A.G and [random girl].
Later on, when we were in bed, right before we fell asleep; she told me something was bothering her that she wanted to tell me. She said [random girl] wasn't hers, she doesn't know her, and has never had sex with her. She said she told Jock B I was hers because she felt protective of me, but she could care less about the other one.
Huh. Its kinda nice. :)
Edit: I ended up calling [random girl] Joan.
Last night I had this sudden urge to go walk around with The Girl through the city. I was feeling particularly inspired and full of energy. I wanted to spend an hour or two with her aimlessly walking around.
I text her to see if she was awake and right away she replies back that she was; so I ask her if she wants to walk with me. Fifteen minutes later I don't hear from her, so childishly I texted her back saying I could take a hint. But right after I sent the message I get a call back; she said she was sorry but A.G wouldn't stop talking. She tells me I should join them. But I'm not too sure, I ask if 3's company, but she says no because there's another girl with them; I ask if 4's company, she says no. First I was a bit peeved that she couldn't text back and say no, and then when she calls back and says I should join, I'm curious as to what the 3 of them are doing together. Because yeah, I know the other girl is gay too, I didn't want to arrive and suddenly have The Girl flaunt our non-monogamy in my face.
But I was curious and bored and wired enough, so I went. A.G and The Girl were a bit drunk, so they gave me and [random girl] a nice show of stupid funny antics. All I could do was laugh at them. It was friendly between all of us, not awkward which I was happy about.
Usually when I go out with The Girl in public in presence of other people, we don't behave like a couple. She does her thing, I do my thing. [random girl] didn't know of any relationship between any of us, and I didn't show/tell her either. I saw [random girl] flirt with The Girl though, which I guess should have made feel insecure (specially because I knew they'd made out at some point or other --this The Girl told me); but The Girl told me to stay over at her place. So as much as they flirted or whatever, I was the one sleeping next to her that night.
After drinking we went over to another place to get some food. I was hoping we would eat, then go home because I could tell The Girl was exhausted and wanted to go. But somehow A.G ends up hitting on this guy on the table behind us --who was straight I may add, so we end up joining tables and talking to "the jocks".
So while A.G is hitting on Jock A; Jock B sidles over to [random girl] and me, and starts talking to us. Honestly I was tired, and not generally in the mood to be friendly; but A.G seemed to be really into Jock A, so I figured I should make the night bearable so I pumped up my friendlyness. But I guess he misunderstood because he starts hitting on me, kissing my hand, outrageously flirting, etc, even though I dropped enough hints about my sexual orientation. After 20 minutes of it, I made some covert gesture to The Girl, hinted if she wanted to go; she nodded with such enthusiasm I actually got up and abruptly said it was time to go.
As we're saying goodbye, a process that took another 10 minutes, Jock B comes over to me and asks if he could give me a goodbye kiss. I told him no, but I felt like a bitch so I told him I would kiss him, but I wasn't going to make out with him. I couldn't believe he was going to pull that move on me, so I held his face and kissed his cheek; he tried to turn his face but I held him firm and told him it wasn't going to happen. But he keeps holding onto my hand and generally being annoying.
The Girl noticed because she came over and said she wanted to go. JockB caught on and asked if I was her woman. I looked at her, and she replied that I was without an ounce of doubt. He went over to [random girl] and asked if she was too, but this time The Girl hesitated, then said she was also. Joking ensued of course, about how greedy she was and what not. I was tired, and I saw the event for what it was, a joke. Finally, we left.
On the walk home, the four of us are walking side by side, and as usual I keep my distance. I was walking a bit behind the group, giving them room as A.G was stumbling all over the place. But The Girl held back and stretched her hand out to me. I took it assuming she would drop it, but instead linked fingers with mine. We walked all the way home like that, in front of both A.G and [random girl].
Later on, when we were in bed, right before we fell asleep; she told me something was bothering her that she wanted to tell me. She said [random girl] wasn't hers, she doesn't know her, and has never had sex with her. She said she told Jock B I was hers because she felt protective of me, but she could care less about the other one.
Huh. Its kinda nice. :)
Edit: I ended up calling [random girl] Joan.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Astounding, mind-blowing, stupefying sex
I don't think all the synonyms of mind-blowing I could find describe how amazing it was last night. It was the first time I actually felt like I had gone through a work out, I don't remember the last time I sweat during sex. Now, morning after, I feel like I ran through a marathon.
Then there's the amazing in-between sex talk. I think what made last night particularly incredible was the conversations we had. They're so honest and refreshingly raw, they're sweet and understanding, they're what makes our relationship great.
I told her I liked her more than I probably should, and that I didn't want her to go. She told me she was scared of fucking up with me, and us. She likes the relationship we have: no commitments, just understanding.
Bree never even entered my unconsciousness. The Girl knows about Bree, but Bree doesn't know about The Girl. And its not a question of weather I will tell Bree, its a question of how to explain it. Its not like I'm casually dating The Girl, we do have a relationship. Its that I don't want to choose. I know The Girl will be gone for months, but even in the next couple of weeks I want to continue seeing both. But I'm slightly hesitant because I think telling Bree will push her away, and then The Girl will be gone, so I'm left with nothing....
Selfish I know.
Then there's the amazing in-between sex talk. I think what made last night particularly incredible was the conversations we had. They're so honest and refreshingly raw, they're sweet and understanding, they're what makes our relationship great.
I told her I liked her more than I probably should, and that I didn't want her to go. She told me she was scared of fucking up with me, and us. She likes the relationship we have: no commitments, just understanding.
Bree never even entered my unconsciousness. The Girl knows about Bree, but Bree doesn't know about The Girl. And its not a question of weather I will tell Bree, its a question of how to explain it. Its not like I'm casually dating The Girl, we do have a relationship. Its that I don't want to choose. I know The Girl will be gone for months, but even in the next couple of weeks I want to continue seeing both. But I'm slightly hesitant because I think telling Bree will push her away, and then The Girl will be gone, so I'm left with nothing....
Selfish I know.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Status Update
Things with the exB are really okay.
Bree and I went on a date monday, a date that didn't feel like one. It was at moments quiet, sort of awkward, nervous, comfortable and sweet. I did feel I was carrying the afternoon on my shoulders. But then that night we had the most amazing conversation on the phone. Almost two hours laughing and talking like it was the most comfortable thing in the world.
Today, I felt I couldn't choose between The Girl or Bree if I had to make a choice. And then unexpectedly The Girl asks if she can stay over. So now she's with me. She smells so freaking good... its just... great with her.
I move this week to a new place with The Roommate. Should be interesting. :)
Bree and I went on a date monday, a date that didn't feel like one. It was at moments quiet, sort of awkward, nervous, comfortable and sweet. I did feel I was carrying the afternoon on my shoulders. But then that night we had the most amazing conversation on the phone. Almost two hours laughing and talking like it was the most comfortable thing in the world.
Today, I felt I couldn't choose between The Girl or Bree if I had to make a choice. And then unexpectedly The Girl asks if she can stay over. So now she's with me. She smells so freaking good... its just... great with her.
I move this week to a new place with The Roommate. Should be interesting. :)
Admitting Denial
Had a really really long talk with the exB tonight. He apologized. We worked through a lot of issues. I am emotionally drained right now. But we're okay. Will update soon.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Denial - Complete Post
This is probably the first exB related post I've made in a while. My life has been surrounded with drama from all the women that are part of it, but its minutely affected by him. Its like he asked, he wanted distance and boundaries. He didn't want to know about me, or what I was doing, or see hickeys on my neck. So I pulled back. Somehow in the past couple of months we've managed to stay out of each other's lives even when we run in the same circles, and we hang out with the same people.
But then, the exB's relative wants to move to city X, the exB doesn't want her in his place so she asked me. And that's how I came to have a roommate. Since the exB and her don't talk all that often, I figured it was okay. Turns out the exB was in denial of us moving in together, even after I repeatedly told him that this was a very strong possibility.
He's also in denial about me and the relationship I have with his family. They didn't want me to disappear from their lives, and I didn't want to either. They're as much mine as they're his. He seems to think it was supposed to be a gradual disconnection, that I eventually will not be part of their lives.
But more on that in a minute. Let me go back and explain why suddenly I know he is in denial. This past weekend I was invited to Easter dinner with his family. The Roommate would be there along with people I've known for years. I figured we were well over our issues, and we could spend a nice day with them.
The drive there was okay, sort of comfortable, a bit awkward. He asked about The Girl, about Shell, and my 'active' lifestyle. If anything, the strangest thing was him knowing I've been sleeping around, and when I asked him if he was okay with it, he said he's not jealous of me being with other people, but that I am getting some and he's not. That night before we went to sleep (separate rooms mind you), he texted me about some inconsequential thing about the house. He was bored. But he was in a good mood.
Next morning his mood shifted, but its not my problem anymore, so I let him be. The thing is, all day he was being an ass. He pretended not to listen when I talked to him, he gave me weird looks, he was short and abrupt with me. I let them all slide, I figured he had an issue with me, but that we could be mature enough about it to avoid his family witnessing another one of our fights.
At the end of the day, when we're on our way home, he makes another rude comment. I was tired of being treated like shit, so I told him so in the nicest way possible. He replied with another abrupt comment about me being in his life, in his family, and now moving in with one of his relatives.
It started slow, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and eventually ended with him pounding on the steering wheel insulting me, in one of his raging fits.
Apparently he wants me out of his life completely. He kept telling himself he was okay with everything, with our arrangement, but it turns out he's not. He can't stand me, he gets angry when he's around me, he doesn't like me; so he figured the only way to solve that was to remove me completely out of his life. Which I guess he's done to an extent, but like he said, I'm in his family dinners, I'm in his friend circle, I'm moving in with someone he's related to.
You know what hurts about most of that? That he's fucking pretended everything was okay and suddenly throws in my face he doesn't want me there anymore. J said that he has a right to change his mind, but I think its unfair; he shouldn't be able to pull the family card on me because I'm as much a part of their lives as he is. He can't complain about our friends because they were my friends first. He can't complain about moving in with The Roommate because they never fucking talk.
He's frustrated and angry at me for some reason he can't explain, and is using me as a punching bag.
I'm not sure if I should be angry that he changed his mind, or sad. I'm not sure how to deal with his request of not being part of his family anymore because I love them and I don't want to stop seeing them. I don't know if I should be hurt or insulted. I'm just... a bit numb. I don't know what I think about any of this, I don't know what I feel. I'm just letting it go by, hoping clarity will come later.
He wants to get together tonight to talk. I feel like telling him to go fuck himself, but instead I agreed. I am after all not a grudge holder --though I could become one.
But then, the exB's relative wants to move to city X, the exB doesn't want her in his place so she asked me. And that's how I came to have a roommate. Since the exB and her don't talk all that often, I figured it was okay. Turns out the exB was in denial of us moving in together, even after I repeatedly told him that this was a very strong possibility.
He's also in denial about me and the relationship I have with his family. They didn't want me to disappear from their lives, and I didn't want to either. They're as much mine as they're his. He seems to think it was supposed to be a gradual disconnection, that I eventually will not be part of their lives.
But more on that in a minute. Let me go back and explain why suddenly I know he is in denial. This past weekend I was invited to Easter dinner with his family. The Roommate would be there along with people I've known for years. I figured we were well over our issues, and we could spend a nice day with them.
The drive there was okay, sort of comfortable, a bit awkward. He asked about The Girl, about Shell, and my 'active' lifestyle. If anything, the strangest thing was him knowing I've been sleeping around, and when I asked him if he was okay with it, he said he's not jealous of me being with other people, but that I am getting some and he's not. That night before we went to sleep (separate rooms mind you), he texted me about some inconsequential thing about the house. He was bored. But he was in a good mood.
Next morning his mood shifted, but its not my problem anymore, so I let him be. The thing is, all day he was being an ass. He pretended not to listen when I talked to him, he gave me weird looks, he was short and abrupt with me. I let them all slide, I figured he had an issue with me, but that we could be mature enough about it to avoid his family witnessing another one of our fights.
At the end of the day, when we're on our way home, he makes another rude comment. I was tired of being treated like shit, so I told him so in the nicest way possible. He replied with another abrupt comment about me being in his life, in his family, and now moving in with one of his relatives.
It started slow, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and eventually ended with him pounding on the steering wheel insulting me, in one of his raging fits.
Apparently he wants me out of his life completely. He kept telling himself he was okay with everything, with our arrangement, but it turns out he's not. He can't stand me, he gets angry when he's around me, he doesn't like me; so he figured the only way to solve that was to remove me completely out of his life. Which I guess he's done to an extent, but like he said, I'm in his family dinners, I'm in his friend circle, I'm moving in with someone he's related to.
You know what hurts about most of that? That he's fucking pretended everything was okay and suddenly throws in my face he doesn't want me there anymore. J said that he has a right to change his mind, but I think its unfair; he shouldn't be able to pull the family card on me because I'm as much a part of their lives as he is. He can't complain about our friends because they were my friends first. He can't complain about moving in with The Roommate because they never fucking talk.
He's frustrated and angry at me for some reason he can't explain, and is using me as a punching bag.
I'm not sure if I should be angry that he changed his mind, or sad. I'm not sure how to deal with his request of not being part of his family anymore because I love them and I don't want to stop seeing them. I don't know if I should be hurt or insulted. I'm just... a bit numb. I don't know what I think about any of this, I don't know what I feel. I'm just letting it go by, hoping clarity will come later.
He wants to get together tonight to talk. I feel like telling him to go fuck himself, but instead I agreed. I am after all not a grudge holder --though I could become one.
Denial - Intro
Easter started with such promise, it ended on a huge fight with the exB. I was pretty shaken up tonight. Its really late though, I'm tired, and I don't know how to put into words much of what I'm feeling. But I will post tomorrow.
Stuck Part 3
Its Saturday now, well Sunday. I've been writing for 3 hours, trying to put things into words that make sense and convey the sense of feeling I am going through.
I have thought about everything. I've talked briefly with people about it. I'm still confused.
Specially because even after the day I had with The Girl, I'm still interested in seeing Bree again. I want to give it another chance, time to settle and adjust. Time to get comfortable. I've texted her and we've agreed to talk soon; a bit of that joy and excitement I got earlier this week was back at the thought.
I want to spend an afternoon watching a stupid movie, holding hands, and fighting the urge to kiss her.
Sigh. I also want to continue seeing The Girl, and spend an afternoon on a bench.
This is fucked up. Because as much as Bree has going for her, there are things about The Girl I really enjoy.
She's quirky and different, and has endless optimism. She has an absurd love for life, people, and nature. I'm inexplicably different with her. I've had this urge to protect her, ever since the first time we slept together. I can listen to her strange stories, or her unique arguments on topics I generally disagree on her with; I bother to do things with her I don't do with anyone else.
Great.
I like her.
And I like Bree.
But I think I like The Girl more.
I don't want her to go away for months.
I have thought about everything. I've talked briefly with people about it. I'm still confused.
Specially because even after the day I had with The Girl, I'm still interested in seeing Bree again. I want to give it another chance, time to settle and adjust. Time to get comfortable. I've texted her and we've agreed to talk soon; a bit of that joy and excitement I got earlier this week was back at the thought.
I want to spend an afternoon watching a stupid movie, holding hands, and fighting the urge to kiss her.
Sigh. I also want to continue seeing The Girl, and spend an afternoon on a bench.
This is fucked up. Because as much as Bree has going for her, there are things about The Girl I really enjoy.
She's quirky and different, and has endless optimism. She has an absurd love for life, people, and nature. I'm inexplicably different with her. I've had this urge to protect her, ever since the first time we slept together. I can listen to her strange stories, or her unique arguments on topics I generally disagree on her with; I bother to do things with her I don't do with anyone else.
Great.
I like her.
And I like Bree.
But I think I like The Girl more.
I don't want her to go away for months.
Stuck Part 2
Its Friday around 6pm by the time I'm on my own. I've lost the high, and I'm mentally exhausted. I spent a good portion of my afternoon with Bree on mostly fake enthusiasm. I wanted it to be good so badly, I wanted it to work so much, that I think I put too high expectations on us.
I was sad and disappointed and confused. I couldn't understand why something so good had to end on a 'okay' rather than on a 'incredibly amazing'. Why I kept comparing me and us and the experience to all I've gone through with The Girl. Why after 5 months of being sort of in a relationship with her, knowing she'll be gone for a really long time, why I couldn't move on.
And that its the crux of it all.
Bree has everything in her favour. She's gorgeous, she's my type, we get along (if superficially), she is more mature, she is on a similar life level as me, she's going to be physically in the same city, and she's could probably give me a traditional stable relationship: dating, seeing each other once in a while, meeting each other's friends.
The Girl on the other hand... has almost nothing going for her, though she is also gorgeous. But her personality is very unique and unconventional, she's in university, she's into broad 'save-the-world' topics, she's not materialistic, she has a strange sense of humor, we don't believe in the same things, we don't laugh at the same things, what I'm into is not what she's into, she likes her personal space, she's quirky, and weird. She doesn't do monogamy, she doesn't trust anyone, she's afraid of commitments. She's going to be away for 5 months.
So why is it that half hour after I left Bree, all I could think about was talking to The Girl? I felt so guilty, but I called her anyway. I thought she was busy, and she was, but she agreed to see me. Though that has probably to do with the fact that I wasn't my usual chirpy self. I was going through one of my mellow moods, similar to the last time I saw her.
So we went for dinner, and just killed time. It was unusually quiet, and one sided. I just didn't have any urge to talk, or say much, so I just listened. But even when we're both quiet, its okay.
I wanted to go somewhere isolated and nice to talk, and instead of finding another bench, we ended up at her house. There was a this palpable minute gap between us, we were holding back. I knew I was because I felt guilty, I'm not sure why she was, though I think it was for my sake. I sat on a chair, she sat on her bed; for 5 minutes all we did was wallow in the quiet. I couldn't bring myself to talk that far away from her, or with the light on, so I moved to the bed next to her. She didn't mind, even though that gap was still there.
Our conversation started on fits and bits. It was weird for me to tell her about what I've been doing with other girls. I wasn't sure how she would take it, though something inside me knew she would be okay with it. But once I got going, everything came out. I told her about Shells, about Bree. My fears, my guilt, my excitement, nervousness, expectations and disappointments.
And how it all comes down to us. What we have, what we're doing, and how it fits in our lives.
She had something beautiful to say about us. The day we sat on that bench for all that time, she said that there was something deep inside her that connected with something in me. Not much was said that day, but she felt like those two things were talking to each other, like they understood one another.
And thinking back, I couldn't explain what it was about it that made me feel so content and happy and relaxed. But her words were perfect, because that's exactly what it felt like. That's what it feels like when we're together sometimes. The night we kissed and my knees trembled was exactly that feeling but condensed into one single sharp point.
I can't explain why that makes so much sense. I told her that was perfect but insane, because we had so little in common and we were so different. But she responded with: "maybe we're not as different as you think".
So we relieved some of our most powerful memories. I told her of that night we kissed in the rain, the first time I kissed her under no alcohol influence. How powerful it was. She told me that the second time we slept together, she felt I was almost robbing her of her secrets. Then there was that last time we had sex 3 weeks ago, where she apparently had the most amazing and intense sexual experience so far. I know that with us, it was.
Now that I think about it, that's maybe why we haven't done it since. She's scared... wow. Have to figure that one out later.
Anyway, the whole time we laid next to each other, holding hands. She had her fingers in my hair, I had my fingers on her face. It was so absurdly good. I used to think those feeling were my reaction to my first time with a girl. I told her so, but she also feels it and it has nothing to do with first times.
In all the time we've spent 'together', this was the first she acknowledged that there was a relationship between us. Its complicated, and it makes no sense, but we have one. Its not the kind where you pledge fidelity, or where you commit, its the kind where you can feel comfortable enough to just be.
She's scared of trusting. She's scared of making the wrong decisions. She said that people keep telling her she just has to meet the right person, but she doesn't think that's right; because what if I was the right person and she just can't follow societies traditional rules? Funny enough, I know that if she were to succumb to societies rules, she wouldn't be happy. We talked about relationships, and what they are for each of us.
She's happy with what we have she said, even if she doesn't know if its the right thing. Heh, she also blatantly told me to not stop seeing her even if things with Bree progress, or if 6 months go by. I told her I understood her relationship quirks, and that I didn't want to stop seeing her.
We hit this point in our conversation where there was not much else to say. We were both thinking about all that had been said. She was laying almost on top of me, her head on my shoulder. She was warm, and soft, and smelled so damn good; the most natural thing was for me to hug her. And I felt something settle inside me; that thing she was talking about was having a field day because they were in perfect understanding, while The Girl and I were left to figure out what the fuck it all means.
We got a bit carried away in that comfort and were about to kiss, but she stopped feeling the gap gone, and our situation unsolved. All I knew (then and now) is that I don't want to stop seeing her, and I told her so. Of course, I didn't want to leave her place either. I asked if I could stay, with the promise of no sex, since that was honestly the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was the closeness. We kissed slowly, without end goal and fell asleep in each other's arms, breathing the same air. It was 10pm, and we didn't have sex that night or next morning.
.
.
.
.
Wow. Writing this doesn't alleviate the feelings like it normally does. I guess the biggest question is, would I be happy with what she has offered so far? I don't know. I think I need even a small form of commitment of trust. I wouldn't ask fidelity or traditionalism, but I would ask for her trust, and she doesn't give that.
I was sad and disappointed and confused. I couldn't understand why something so good had to end on a 'okay' rather than on a 'incredibly amazing'. Why I kept comparing me and us and the experience to all I've gone through with The Girl. Why after 5 months of being sort of in a relationship with her, knowing she'll be gone for a really long time, why I couldn't move on.
And that its the crux of it all.
Bree has everything in her favour. She's gorgeous, she's my type, we get along (if superficially), she is more mature, she is on a similar life level as me, she's going to be physically in the same city, and she's could probably give me a traditional stable relationship: dating, seeing each other once in a while, meeting each other's friends.
The Girl on the other hand... has almost nothing going for her, though she is also gorgeous. But her personality is very unique and unconventional, she's in university, she's into broad 'save-the-world' topics, she's not materialistic, she has a strange sense of humor, we don't believe in the same things, we don't laugh at the same things, what I'm into is not what she's into, she likes her personal space, she's quirky, and weird. She doesn't do monogamy, she doesn't trust anyone, she's afraid of commitments. She's going to be away for 5 months.
So why is it that half hour after I left Bree, all I could think about was talking to The Girl? I felt so guilty, but I called her anyway. I thought she was busy, and she was, but she agreed to see me. Though that has probably to do with the fact that I wasn't my usual chirpy self. I was going through one of my mellow moods, similar to the last time I saw her.
So we went for dinner, and just killed time. It was unusually quiet, and one sided. I just didn't have any urge to talk, or say much, so I just listened. But even when we're both quiet, its okay.
I wanted to go somewhere isolated and nice to talk, and instead of finding another bench, we ended up at her house. There was a this palpable minute gap between us, we were holding back. I knew I was because I felt guilty, I'm not sure why she was, though I think it was for my sake. I sat on a chair, she sat on her bed; for 5 minutes all we did was wallow in the quiet. I couldn't bring myself to talk that far away from her, or with the light on, so I moved to the bed next to her. She didn't mind, even though that gap was still there.
Our conversation started on fits and bits. It was weird for me to tell her about what I've been doing with other girls. I wasn't sure how she would take it, though something inside me knew she would be okay with it. But once I got going, everything came out. I told her about Shells, about Bree. My fears, my guilt, my excitement, nervousness, expectations and disappointments.
And how it all comes down to us. What we have, what we're doing, and how it fits in our lives.
She had something beautiful to say about us. The day we sat on that bench for all that time, she said that there was something deep inside her that connected with something in me. Not much was said that day, but she felt like those two things were talking to each other, like they understood one another.
And thinking back, I couldn't explain what it was about it that made me feel so content and happy and relaxed. But her words were perfect, because that's exactly what it felt like. That's what it feels like when we're together sometimes. The night we kissed and my knees trembled was exactly that feeling but condensed into one single sharp point.
I can't explain why that makes so much sense. I told her that was perfect but insane, because we had so little in common and we were so different. But she responded with: "maybe we're not as different as you think".
So we relieved some of our most powerful memories. I told her of that night we kissed in the rain, the first time I kissed her under no alcohol influence. How powerful it was. She told me that the second time we slept together, she felt I was almost robbing her of her secrets. Then there was that last time we had sex 3 weeks ago, where she apparently had the most amazing and intense sexual experience so far. I know that with us, it was.
Now that I think about it, that's maybe why we haven't done it since. She's scared... wow. Have to figure that one out later.
Anyway, the whole time we laid next to each other, holding hands. She had her fingers in my hair, I had my fingers on her face. It was so absurdly good. I used to think those feeling were my reaction to my first time with a girl. I told her so, but she also feels it and it has nothing to do with first times.
In all the time we've spent 'together', this was the first she acknowledged that there was a relationship between us. Its complicated, and it makes no sense, but we have one. Its not the kind where you pledge fidelity, or where you commit, its the kind where you can feel comfortable enough to just be.
She's scared of trusting. She's scared of making the wrong decisions. She said that people keep telling her she just has to meet the right person, but she doesn't think that's right; because what if I was the right person and she just can't follow societies traditional rules? Funny enough, I know that if she were to succumb to societies rules, she wouldn't be happy. We talked about relationships, and what they are for each of us.
She's happy with what we have she said, even if she doesn't know if its the right thing. Heh, she also blatantly told me to not stop seeing her even if things with Bree progress, or if 6 months go by. I told her I understood her relationship quirks, and that I didn't want to stop seeing her.
We hit this point in our conversation where there was not much else to say. We were both thinking about all that had been said. She was laying almost on top of me, her head on my shoulder. She was warm, and soft, and smelled so damn good; the most natural thing was for me to hug her. And I felt something settle inside me; that thing she was talking about was having a field day because they were in perfect understanding, while The Girl and I were left to figure out what the fuck it all means.
We got a bit carried away in that comfort and were about to kiss, but she stopped feeling the gap gone, and our situation unsolved. All I knew (then and now) is that I don't want to stop seeing her, and I told her so. Of course, I didn't want to leave her place either. I asked if I could stay, with the promise of no sex, since that was honestly the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was the closeness. We kissed slowly, without end goal and fell asleep in each other's arms, breathing the same air. It was 10pm, and we didn't have sex that night or next morning.
.
.
.
.
Wow. Writing this doesn't alleviate the feelings like it normally does. I guess the biggest question is, would I be happy with what she has offered so far? I don't know. I think I need even a small form of commitment of trust. I wouldn't ask fidelity or traditionalism, but I would ask for her trust, and she doesn't give that.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Stuck.
Its saturday afternoon. I've been sitting in front of this computer for the better part of 4 8 hours, trying to write. All my brain is capable of handling is relieving the last two days, and thinking about what it means, where will my decisions take me. In the last 2 weeks I've had a lot happen in my life, things I'm not completely sure I can handle.
It started thursday. I was set to go out that night with a couple of friends, but the plan fell apart at the last minute. There were really other places and friends I could have spent the night with, but the first person that I thought of talking to was Bree. I was hoping I could tag along with her. Not exactly the ideal date, but I really wanted to see her. Thus this is how our date for monday got moved 3 days ahead.
I was still in that high from friday and all those phone calls, so I was excited and nervous as hell. We met before the party to walk together, and when I saw her, I thought the same thing I thought the first night I saw her, she is really gorgeous. Of course, minus the alcohol and the crazy music, its was a little more nerve racking to talk to her. I had to pump my [odd] charm, because she was a bit hesitant, like she wasn't sure what to do.
We showed up at the party, small thing, a bunch of people she knew. It could have been awkward, but they were a great crowd. Although none of them knew the real reason I was there and none of them know about Bree's sexual preference. I was just a friend that she brought along. When they asked how we knew each other, she rushed to say it was through a 'mutual' friend, cute.
The funny thing is that we ended up going to a gay bar that night, though supposedly half the group was straight. So we hung out, and pretended we were just friends. But the more I drank the easier it was between us, she loosened up, and I loosened up. We had a really good time. Half the night I spent it looking at her, hoping we could get a moment or two to kiss her again.
That night we took a taxi together, and it was her decision to come home with me. Honestly, I was not prepared at all for it, and I was really drunk. I wanted to wait a bit more, but she was pretty convincing. When we got home, I told her I didn't want it to be that way, that I thought she deserved my complete attention, plus I wanted it to be during the day. She was nervous as hell so she agreed.
We went to bed fully clothed; but I guess when you're in bed with someone you really like, things have a way of moving along. We kinda did it, and I was kinda drunk. It all blurs, I'm not quite sure what we did and didn't do. I actually confused the experiences with Shell's, because both times it was here, in my bed, at dark. I do remember it being fully a one sided experience, hers. I didn't want to push, I mean, it was her first time after all. It was also sweet and quiet and slow.
But the morning after I was fully sober though, and it was daylight, my preferred time to be with anyone, specially someone you don't know. And it was sweeter than the night before; it was quiet, almost awkward, tentative, and exploratory. We had plans to go for a movie and for food, but instead we spent the day 'pretending' to sleep, and eating delivery pizza. There was a lot talking, about our history, past experiences, coming out stories, the usual stuff. She was freaking gorgeous, and perfectly my type. For example, I love that she's tiny, and I can lift her and move her around. She also smells good, and I'm learning, smell is a huge deal for me. She's funny and sharp, she can keep up with me. We have similar experiences and backgrounds, we have similar taste.
But it was a bit surreal for her, I could tell. Like she couldn't believe she was there, doing what we were doing, although it got easier as the day progressed. And while we got along really great and had a great time, there was something missing. It was just not 100% comfortable. I was unsure of myself sometimes, I didn't know what to do to ease her discomfort/nervousness/confidence; and I did really try.
Then there's also the fact that you don't know each other all that well, so you spend most of the time trying to find out what they like and they don't like, and if you like them and how they are. And its here that I hit a roadblock or two as well. I'm only going to mention one thing in specific: she doesn't seem to be big on big long making out sessions. And to be fair, The Girl seemed like she was the same at first, but that quickly changed. In Bree's case, I hope it does as well, because after x many years with the exB, who didn't like to make out at all, I don't know if I can deal with the same thing again.
Aside from quirky details. She's the kind of girl that would be awesome to have as a girlfriend. And unless my usually good instinct is off, she's the relationship type. Halfway through the day, she told me about this guy she's dating, and how she's going to tell him that its not going to work, though she's not going to tell him why. Plus she made a comment about my vacation trip, she wanted reassurance that I would be coming back.
Overall the experience was great. If I were to compare my experiences with girls so far, compared to my experiences with guys; the girls are way better. Gay side comes out on top again... (haha, I just realized that statement is true on so many levels).
When the day was over, she went home, and I headed back into town for some errands. You know what I did after being on my own for 30 minutes? I called The Girl. I needed to talk to her and tell her everything, I needed to hear her voice because I was really confused.
But I'm going to leave the rest for part 2. I have to run.
It started thursday. I was set to go out that night with a couple of friends, but the plan fell apart at the last minute. There were really other places and friends I could have spent the night with, but the first person that I thought of talking to was Bree. I was hoping I could tag along with her. Not exactly the ideal date, but I really wanted to see her. Thus this is how our date for monday got moved 3 days ahead.
I was still in that high from friday and all those phone calls, so I was excited and nervous as hell. We met before the party to walk together, and when I saw her, I thought the same thing I thought the first night I saw her, she is really gorgeous. Of course, minus the alcohol and the crazy music, its was a little more nerve racking to talk to her. I had to pump my [odd] charm, because she was a bit hesitant, like she wasn't sure what to do.
We showed up at the party, small thing, a bunch of people she knew. It could have been awkward, but they were a great crowd. Although none of them knew the real reason I was there and none of them know about Bree's sexual preference. I was just a friend that she brought along. When they asked how we knew each other, she rushed to say it was through a 'mutual' friend, cute.
The funny thing is that we ended up going to a gay bar that night, though supposedly half the group was straight. So we hung out, and pretended we were just friends. But the more I drank the easier it was between us, she loosened up, and I loosened up. We had a really good time. Half the night I spent it looking at her, hoping we could get a moment or two to kiss her again.
That night we took a taxi together, and it was her decision to come home with me. Honestly, I was not prepared at all for it, and I was really drunk. I wanted to wait a bit more, but she was pretty convincing. When we got home, I told her I didn't want it to be that way, that I thought she deserved my complete attention, plus I wanted it to be during the day. She was nervous as hell so she agreed.
We went to bed fully clothed; but I guess when you're in bed with someone you really like, things have a way of moving along. We kinda did it, and I was kinda drunk. It all blurs, I'm not quite sure what we did and didn't do. I actually confused the experiences with Shell's, because both times it was here, in my bed, at dark. I do remember it being fully a one sided experience, hers. I didn't want to push, I mean, it was her first time after all. It was also sweet and quiet and slow.
But the morning after I was fully sober though, and it was daylight, my preferred time to be with anyone, specially someone you don't know. And it was sweeter than the night before; it was quiet, almost awkward, tentative, and exploratory. We had plans to go for a movie and for food, but instead we spent the day 'pretending' to sleep, and eating delivery pizza. There was a lot talking, about our history, past experiences, coming out stories, the usual stuff. She was freaking gorgeous, and perfectly my type. For example, I love that she's tiny, and I can lift her and move her around. She also smells good, and I'm learning, smell is a huge deal for me. She's funny and sharp, she can keep up with me. We have similar experiences and backgrounds, we have similar taste.
But it was a bit surreal for her, I could tell. Like she couldn't believe she was there, doing what we were doing, although it got easier as the day progressed. And while we got along really great and had a great time, there was something missing. It was just not 100% comfortable. I was unsure of myself sometimes, I didn't know what to do to ease her discomfort/nervousness/confidence; and I did really try.
Then there's also the fact that you don't know each other all that well, so you spend most of the time trying to find out what they like and they don't like, and if you like them and how they are. And its here that I hit a roadblock or two as well. I'm only going to mention one thing in specific: she doesn't seem to be big on big long making out sessions. And to be fair, The Girl seemed like she was the same at first, but that quickly changed. In Bree's case, I hope it does as well, because after x many years with the exB, who didn't like to make out at all, I don't know if I can deal with the same thing again.
Aside from quirky details. She's the kind of girl that would be awesome to have as a girlfriend. And unless my usually good instinct is off, she's the relationship type. Halfway through the day, she told me about this guy she's dating, and how she's going to tell him that its not going to work, though she's not going to tell him why. Plus she made a comment about my vacation trip, she wanted reassurance that I would be coming back.
Overall the experience was great. If I were to compare my experiences with girls so far, compared to my experiences with guys; the girls are way better. Gay side comes out on top again... (haha, I just realized that statement is true on so many levels).
When the day was over, she went home, and I headed back into town for some errands. You know what I did after being on my own for 30 minutes? I called The Girl. I needed to talk to her and tell her everything, I needed to hear her voice because I was really confused.
But I'm going to leave the rest for part 2. I have to run.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Shells gets antsy
Just got a text from Shell, asking if we're alright. Turns out that because we haven't talked since tuesday morning, when she spent the night over, she thought we weren't okay.
I don't consider ourselves in a relationship of any kind. I wasn't trying to blow her off, I've been just busy. But I guess it comes down to interest; I don't have that much of it.
I told her we were okay. I don't think having a conversation about your relationship over text with someone you don't talk to that much is very wise. I feel like I'd be chickening out.
I don't consider ourselves in a relationship of any kind. I wasn't trying to blow her off, I've been just busy. But I guess it comes down to interest; I don't have that much of it.
I told her we were okay. I don't think having a conversation about your relationship over text with someone you don't talk to that much is very wise. I feel like I'd be chickening out.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The high continues..
Remember I mentioned how on friday when I met Bree, I felt I was on a high?
Yeah. Its still there.
I've talked to Bree --on the phone no less-- 3 days in a row, each time for longer than half hour. And each time we talk, its nerve racking, exciting, interesting and fun. We haven't been able to schedule something to see each other, I guess most people would wait the required three days (like Cones) to talk back, but we're both I think too into each other to wait. And this is not just my ego talking alright? She has put as much interest in talking to me as I have in talking to her.
I'm so giddy and nervous just talking to her. I can't even imagine how it will be when we do see each other. I mean, I want to see her reactions, her face, her smile (did I mention she has amazing lips?), see her laugh, hold her hand, give her a hug, a kiss... everything. Is this stupid? Because I feel like I'm 15 right now.
I might see her friday. I'm impatient, I couldn't wait until next week.
I guess I should mention, I have a tentative breakfast thing with The Girl on friday. I might cancel it, just so that I can spend the afternoon with Bree.
Yeah. Its still there.
I've talked to Bree --on the phone no less-- 3 days in a row, each time for longer than half hour. And each time we talk, its nerve racking, exciting, interesting and fun. We haven't been able to schedule something to see each other, I guess most people would wait the required three days (like Cones) to talk back, but we're both I think too into each other to wait. And this is not just my ego talking alright? She has put as much interest in talking to me as I have in talking to her.
I'm so giddy and nervous just talking to her. I can't even imagine how it will be when we do see each other. I mean, I want to see her reactions, her face, her smile (did I mention she has amazing lips?), see her laugh, hold her hand, give her a hug, a kiss... everything. Is this stupid? Because I feel like I'm 15 right now.
I might see her friday. I'm impatient, I couldn't wait until next week.
I guess I should mention, I have a tentative breakfast thing with The Girl on friday. I might cancel it, just so that I can spend the afternoon with Bree.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Having the upper hand
Shell came over again last night. As much as I would like to say that it was amazing, I can't. It was alright... I mean we mutually enjoyed ourselves. Our interaction its slightly awkward, making out with her is not the otherworldly experience I like, and really, I just don't have enough interest in her in the same level I do for The Girl or Bree. I don't feel very good about it, I can't do this unless there's more something.
The longer I put up with the situation, the more I freak out about this situation being the same for The Girl and me, but in reverse. As in, is The Girl putting up with me as well? Is this chemistry completely one sided? Its driving me nuts to be honest.
Aside from that, things with Bree are progressing slowly but steadily. :) We talked on the phone, with like, an actual conversation for a good half hour. And the more we talk, the more I like her. She's at a similar life stage, she's geeky, she's into things I understand, plus she's cute and funny. We both come from similar backgrounds, which makes it super interesting.
I asked her out, its planned for next week. I wish it could be sooner, but we are both busy. I'm actually nervous... I like her, I want this to work.
The longer I put up with the situation, the more I freak out about this situation being the same for The Girl and me, but in reverse. As in, is The Girl putting up with me as well? Is this chemistry completely one sided? Its driving me nuts to be honest.
Aside from that, things with Bree are progressing slowly but steadily. :) We talked on the phone, with like, an actual conversation for a good half hour. And the more we talk, the more I like her. She's at a similar life stage, she's geeky, she's into things I understand, plus she's cute and funny. We both come from similar backgrounds, which makes it super interesting.
I asked her out, its planned for next week. I wish it could be sooner, but we are both busy. I'm actually nervous... I like her, I want this to work.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Super Crazily Packed Weekend - Day 2 & 3.
Saturday night, it was a straight club, one where we had amazing memories once. But the night started on an injured foot. First, I was exhausted, I looked like a redbull powered zombie. Then, our friends couldn't get in the club because it got full. To top it off, the club was full of smelly, young creepy looking people. There was a lot of elbowing involved, and farts, and BO. Not a great looking crowd neither. But what could we expect, it was like Daytona Beach in a concrete building. Regardless, I danced and drank. I also had some very R-rated texts with Shell. Which, to be honest, was pretty hot. But anyway, I went to sleep late again.
So finally, sunday arrives. The day was mellow --thankfully. I don't think I could handle another beer anytime soon. So I spent it P and friends, doing some artsy activities, eating, hanging out. The exB sat this one out. At first I thought it was because he was a bit jealous, but apparently he had to work.
The interesting bit about this last post is not what I did, but rather what was said over text, with both Bree and Shell.
Bree.. she's super sweet, and shy I think. She sends the cutest messages. But she's been working so I haven't been able to talk much with her. I want to ask her out soon. I need to know what it would be like under no alcohol influence.
Then there's Shell. We've been talking since the night she slept over. She already mentioned the possibility of going out sometime in the next couple of weeks. There have been quite a bit of txts, and random conversations, picture messages, phone sex, etc; she says she is --in her words, crushing on me. She's relaying a lot more information than I need to know. I thought I moved fast, but Shell is on speed by comparison.
In result, she's getting clingy. I'm not liking it much, though I know I'm party leading her on. I'm too greedy to stop it. Its nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, flirt with, etc. I want to continue seeing her, but not that regularly. We had a good time, but the connection wasn't that strong. I am willing to tell her pretty soon that I don't do relationships. What does this make me? a jackass. I'm using her for sex and to avoid loneliness.
Which brings me to an interesting question, one that actually bothers me. Did The Girl feel like this when we 'stopped' dating, or at any point? Did she get tired of the msgs, and spending time together that often? Did she feel I was clingy to her, therefore gave me the whole I don't do relationships speech, because she didn't feel remotely the same thing I did/do? Is she happy with a sort-of connection and the one a week guaranteed sex? Is everything else, what I've been talking on this blog for months, all crap?
I don't know how to answer that. I don't think its all crap, I think I'm a good judge of character, and that my instincts are correct: she likes me, she just doesn't do relationships. Of course, it doesn't help that The Girl fell of the face of the planet. She's been out of reach all day. And every single time, after we spend time together, I'm always left wanting more.
The good thing I guess, is that now I have more people to keep me occupied. I know, it sounds so shallow. But I have been happier this week than in the last couple of months. All the plans, nights out, drinking with friends, laughter, and amazing hanging outs with people, have left me in such a good mood. And I think its going to continue until May or so. :)
Anyway. This is it. I've been writing these 3 posts for what feels like ever. I have done very little to review them. Sorry if they don't flow much. But I am exhausted, I need to sleep. ;)
So finally, sunday arrives. The day was mellow --thankfully. I don't think I could handle another beer anytime soon. So I spent it P and friends, doing some artsy activities, eating, hanging out. The exB sat this one out. At first I thought it was because he was a bit jealous, but apparently he had to work.
The interesting bit about this last post is not what I did, but rather what was said over text, with both Bree and Shell.
Bree.. she's super sweet, and shy I think. She sends the cutest messages. But she's been working so I haven't been able to talk much with her. I want to ask her out soon. I need to know what it would be like under no alcohol influence.
Then there's Shell. We've been talking since the night she slept over. She already mentioned the possibility of going out sometime in the next couple of weeks. There have been quite a bit of txts, and random conversations, picture messages, phone sex, etc; she says she is --in her words, crushing on me. She's relaying a lot more information than I need to know. I thought I moved fast, but Shell is on speed by comparison.
In result, she's getting clingy. I'm not liking it much, though I know I'm party leading her on. I'm too greedy to stop it. Its nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, flirt with, etc. I want to continue seeing her, but not that regularly. We had a good time, but the connection wasn't that strong. I am willing to tell her pretty soon that I don't do relationships. What does this make me? a jackass. I'm using her for sex and to avoid loneliness.
Which brings me to an interesting question, one that actually bothers me. Did The Girl feel like this when we 'stopped' dating, or at any point? Did she get tired of the msgs, and spending time together that often? Did she feel I was clingy to her, therefore gave me the whole I don't do relationships speech, because she didn't feel remotely the same thing I did/do? Is she happy with a sort-of connection and the one a week guaranteed sex? Is everything else, what I've been talking on this blog for months, all crap?
I don't know how to answer that. I don't think its all crap, I think I'm a good judge of character, and that my instincts are correct: she likes me, she just doesn't do relationships. Of course, it doesn't help that The Girl fell of the face of the planet. She's been out of reach all day. And every single time, after we spend time together, I'm always left wanting more.
The good thing I guess, is that now I have more people to keep me occupied. I know, it sounds so shallow. But I have been happier this week than in the last couple of months. All the plans, nights out, drinking with friends, laughter, and amazing hanging outs with people, have left me in such a good mood. And I think its going to continue until May or so. :)
Anyway. This is it. I've been writing these 3 posts for what feels like ever. I have done very little to review them. Sorry if they don't flow much. But I am exhausted, I need to sleep. ;)
Super Crazily Packed Weekend - Day 2
I spent the afternoon with The Girl on saturday. We had made plans really early in the week to have brunch (no sleeping over or naps allowed though). Originally, my plan was to sit down with her to talk about quitting, but I was in no specific mood to talk about anything. I was very spaced out, and mellow.
I was up early, so I asked her for breakfast instead. It was a slow morning though, I was slightly hungover, and tired from all the walking/dancing I had done the night before. I couldn't eat, but we sat on the restaurant and talked. I told her all I'd done this past week, except mention Shell, or Bree. Updated her on my plans for that month-long vacation, explained how excited I was to have something to look forward to. I honestly can't tell you what else we talked about during that whole hour, it was just... stuff.
Since we had moved our lunch thingie to breakfast, we had more time than we thought, and neither one of us wanted to go home. It was nice out, we had time, and we were enjoying each other's company. So we started walking.
We walked aimlessly around throughout the city. At one point we sat on a bench, looked out at the water and talked some more. We didn't discuss our relationship, we didn't discuss the hickey (concealed it successfully I guess), we didn't talk about other girls. We didn't talk about my idea, of spending a whole day together. We just, talked about much and about nothing.
When I first arrived and I started talking to her, I felt slightly stand-offish. I was still relieving the night before with Bree, a girl who had a lot of potential compared to The Girl, who I am not going to see for a big part of the year, and who does not want a relationship of any kind with me. I built a wall around me protecting my experience with Bree, preparing myself for the time when The Girl won't be there anymore. In short: I was protecting my right to move on.
But that wall melted away somehow throughout the afternoon. In the miles of walking (an activity I never partake on), and the sitting on a random bench (another activity I'm too impatient for), and hanging out with her without the physical contact that I usually require.
At one point we talked about the types of relationships we had with people, and how ours was so unusual. When we were dating, we discovered so many things we didn't have in common, and at the time it was like flinching; now we just joke about it, it makes our relationship that much more unique. I explained how for me, relationships are hugely based on comfort, and comfort is something I can judge on people fairly quickly. Another unusual thing: even tho we didn't talk when we first met, I felt comfortable and safe with her. Whatever we have or don't have in common just doesn't matter. I have a higher tolerance for things with her, just like I do with the people in my life I trust and care for (friends, family, etc). She can talk about something I don't understand for hours and keep my interest, where there are people I don't even bother with.
Her response was similar. She told me she enjoyed the time we spent together because she didn't feel pressured with me. Apparently I allow her to be herself. Then she said, "I like you", and I believed her; well I still do.
It was so comfortable with her. And it wasn't so because we were 2 inches from each other, mostly making out. No, we sat next to each other, comfortably close, touching, but not couple touching. Where before we couldn't feel comfortable to talk about random and deep topics out of bed, now we can, and we can do it while completely dressed, in a public setting, without feeling awkward like it generally does. We didn't kiss that day. We held hands innocently enough towards the end, needing some form of connection, but not the usual type. There was no promise of sex that day. No quatum of solace planned. There was just us, in a bench, feeling the sun on our face.
It was just... good. Not wild or crazy or intense. Just.. good. I didn't want the afternoon to end.
Some thing has shifted... I just can't put my finger on it fully yet. So I'll come back to this in the next couple of weeks.
Later that night I texted her and said that I had the most peaceful and relaxed afternoon in a long time. She texted back, saying that she had been debating weather she should tell me that she had felt the same: calm and content.
And I did. I was happy.
I was up early, so I asked her for breakfast instead. It was a slow morning though, I was slightly hungover, and tired from all the walking/dancing I had done the night before. I couldn't eat, but we sat on the restaurant and talked. I told her all I'd done this past week, except mention Shell, or Bree. Updated her on my plans for that month-long vacation, explained how excited I was to have something to look forward to. I honestly can't tell you what else we talked about during that whole hour, it was just... stuff.
Since we had moved our lunch thingie to breakfast, we had more time than we thought, and neither one of us wanted to go home. It was nice out, we had time, and we were enjoying each other's company. So we started walking.
We walked aimlessly around throughout the city. At one point we sat on a bench, looked out at the water and talked some more. We didn't discuss our relationship, we didn't discuss the hickey (concealed it successfully I guess), we didn't talk about other girls. We didn't talk about my idea, of spending a whole day together. We just, talked about much and about nothing.
When I first arrived and I started talking to her, I felt slightly stand-offish. I was still relieving the night before with Bree, a girl who had a lot of potential compared to The Girl, who I am not going to see for a big part of the year, and who does not want a relationship of any kind with me. I built a wall around me protecting my experience with Bree, preparing myself for the time when The Girl won't be there anymore. In short: I was protecting my right to move on.
But that wall melted away somehow throughout the afternoon. In the miles of walking (an activity I never partake on), and the sitting on a random bench (another activity I'm too impatient for), and hanging out with her without the physical contact that I usually require.
At one point we talked about the types of relationships we had with people, and how ours was so unusual. When we were dating, we discovered so many things we didn't have in common, and at the time it was like flinching; now we just joke about it, it makes our relationship that much more unique. I explained how for me, relationships are hugely based on comfort, and comfort is something I can judge on people fairly quickly. Another unusual thing: even tho we didn't talk when we first met, I felt comfortable and safe with her. Whatever we have or don't have in common just doesn't matter. I have a higher tolerance for things with her, just like I do with the people in my life I trust and care for (friends, family, etc). She can talk about something I don't understand for hours and keep my interest, where there are people I don't even bother with.
Her response was similar. She told me she enjoyed the time we spent together because she didn't feel pressured with me. Apparently I allow her to be herself. Then she said, "I like you", and I believed her; well I still do.
It was so comfortable with her. And it wasn't so because we were 2 inches from each other, mostly making out. No, we sat next to each other, comfortably close, touching, but not couple touching. Where before we couldn't feel comfortable to talk about random and deep topics out of bed, now we can, and we can do it while completely dressed, in a public setting, without feeling awkward like it generally does. We didn't kiss that day. We held hands innocently enough towards the end, needing some form of connection, but not the usual type. There was no promise of sex that day. No quatum of solace planned. There was just us, in a bench, feeling the sun on our face.
It was just... good. Not wild or crazy or intense. Just.. good. I didn't want the afternoon to end.
Some thing has shifted... I just can't put my finger on it fully yet. So I'll come back to this in the next couple of weeks.
Later that night I texted her and said that I had the most peaceful and relaxed afternoon in a long time. She texted back, saying that she had been debating weather she should tell me that she had felt the same: calm and content.
And I did. I was happy.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Super Crazily Packed Weekend - Day 1
I took The Roommate to her first gay club adventure on friday. She got her first face-to-face with what its like to be at a packed club full of half naked sweaty hot gay men. It was the same club I went to for my first time, same atmosphere, same friends; it was creepily similar to my first night out.
I danced my heart out again; and I drank my weigh in vodka. I truly love it every time I go there. The more I go, the harder it is for me to enjoy straight clubs. I for one, enjoy looking at men; with good reason, because the men/boys there are hot. They love dancing, they know how to move, they don't mind if you step in their personal space to dance with them. And the girls are generally bi-curious. Ever since I discovered my gay side, this place is one of those safe havens. I can look at girls, I can dance with them, I can flirt; and you know its okay, even when they're straight.
Around midnight, as I was watching the drag queen show, I saw a girl near the stage. I had been dancing with guys the entire night, I wanted to dance with a girl, and she looked... cute. I got closer to her, and by the time the show was over and the crowd closed in she was in perfect position to dance with me.
It was tentative at first. I could tell she wasn't your typical clubbing girl; as a matter of fact she would look more at home at a coffee shop or a bookstore. She didn't move away when I started dancing with her, but I couldn't tell if she was comfortable, or if she was gay, so I kept my distance. When she looked at me, I gave her the flirtiest biggest smile I could.
And yes, I was a bit drunk; and when I'm drunk, I loose my inhibitions. I was willing to give her space, but it was a club, and she was cute, and I wanted to really dance, not just move to different rhythms 2 feet apart. I gave her all of 3 minutes of space and moved in; I put my hands on her waist and made her move with me, to my [drunken] beat. I leaned in as I did so and whispered in her ear if it was okay: she said yes.
It felt so good to make the moves, to know I had her attention, to flirt so openly and have her smile back, to know that what I was doing was well received. Combine that with the previous night's experience, the simple acceptance that being with a girl feels right, and a bit of the alcohol, and I was on a happy high. And the more I danced with her, the more I liked her. She was unlike my previous types (so far); she was petite with short dark hair, with a great smile and amazing lips. Okay the lips and the smile is not a type, just a detail. :)
The thing is that I still wasn't sure if she was gay or not, I was getting strange signals from her. First she's looking at me like she's loving it, and a minute later she pulls back to keep dancing 2 feet apart. Then she gets close again. I figured the easiest way to find out was to ask if she was gay, she said she is also bisexual. That was enough for me really, I just ignored the odd signals.
I liked her, so when she got close again, it was the most natural thing to kiss her. And it was incredible!, there were definetly sparks, loads of them. It was like my first time again: there was blood rushing through my head while the noise faded away. It was soft, and slow, and powerful. When I pulled back, she smiled and shook her head in disbelief.
Another odd signal. Was that a good thing or not? I let it go, because I was sure she was enjoying it too. But 3 kisses later she was still doing it. I was starting to wonder if I was really high and imagined the attraction and she was just putting up with a drunk girl at a club --albeit very willingly, because her hands were roooooooaming. But then I kissed her again, and it was amazing. You can't have such a mind blowing kiss be completely one sided... right? So I just let it be and enjoyed.
A little bit later, she said she was going to find her friends and asked me what I drank, then told me she would be back. Who hasn't pulled that trick before? But I was too freaking turned on and happy, plus, my gut told me my first impression was right: she was a shy girl, and she was into me.
She left. In the half hour (or less?) she was gone, I questioned my instincts, regretted not asking for her number, and even looked for her. When I didn't find her and she still didn't come back, I started to accept that she played that 'i will come back' card while disappearing to another part of the club. But she came back. And with the promised drink in her hand.
We danced a bit more, we made out a lot more, then we disappeared to a quieter part of the club. And started talking. Bree (yep, that's what I'm calling her), is older than me (surprisingly!), which was interesting, because there was no mention of homework or deadlines. She was more mature, but not out. And actually, she had never been with a girl before --which explained her disbelief; but she knew she was gay.
And unlike the night I met The Girl, Bree and I spent a good part of an hour talking. We hit it off really well too. In the quiet lounge, away from the pumping beats and the sweating bodies that add to the electric energy of the crowd, kissing her was just as intense.
Eventually we got kicked out of the lounge; not in a bad way, mind you. Then the lights of the club came on, they were closing down. So we took off, in search of a 24 hour restaurant. I did end up getting her number, while we walked the city at 4 in the morning holding hands. We shared a taxi ride home, but she didn't come home with me. I had guests over that night, it would have been awkward, given that The Roommate (my guest) was sleeping in my bed.
But wow did I ever want her to. I think it would be amazing with her. But if I'm honest, I like the idea of waiting. I also like the idea of maybe giving each other the chance and opportunity to have a regular dating relationship.
We texted for a bit that night and the next morning. Even when I woke up, I checked my cell to see if she had sent me something. And I spent a good 15 minutes trying to figure out what to say to her, when I couldn't find any reason to text her, I told her simply that I had I had no excuse for sending her a message so early, but I just wanted to say hi.
The entire time, The Girl was out of my thoughts. Not once did she cross my mind. But she was going to eventually, we had brunch planned for the next day.
I danced my heart out again; and I drank my weigh in vodka. I truly love it every time I go there. The more I go, the harder it is for me to enjoy straight clubs. I for one, enjoy looking at men; with good reason, because the men/boys there are hot. They love dancing, they know how to move, they don't mind if you step in their personal space to dance with them. And the girls are generally bi-curious. Ever since I discovered my gay side, this place is one of those safe havens. I can look at girls, I can dance with them, I can flirt; and you know its okay, even when they're straight.
Around midnight, as I was watching the drag queen show, I saw a girl near the stage. I had been dancing with guys the entire night, I wanted to dance with a girl, and she looked... cute. I got closer to her, and by the time the show was over and the crowd closed in she was in perfect position to dance with me.
It was tentative at first. I could tell she wasn't your typical clubbing girl; as a matter of fact she would look more at home at a coffee shop or a bookstore. She didn't move away when I started dancing with her, but I couldn't tell if she was comfortable, or if she was gay, so I kept my distance. When she looked at me, I gave her the flirtiest biggest smile I could.
And yes, I was a bit drunk; and when I'm drunk, I loose my inhibitions. I was willing to give her space, but it was a club, and she was cute, and I wanted to really dance, not just move to different rhythms 2 feet apart. I gave her all of 3 minutes of space and moved in; I put my hands on her waist and made her move with me, to my [drunken] beat. I leaned in as I did so and whispered in her ear if it was okay: she said yes.
It felt so good to make the moves, to know I had her attention, to flirt so openly and have her smile back, to know that what I was doing was well received. Combine that with the previous night's experience, the simple acceptance that being with a girl feels right, and a bit of the alcohol, and I was on a happy high. And the more I danced with her, the more I liked her. She was unlike my previous types (so far); she was petite with short dark hair, with a great smile and amazing lips. Okay the lips and the smile is not a type, just a detail. :)
The thing is that I still wasn't sure if she was gay or not, I was getting strange signals from her. First she's looking at me like she's loving it, and a minute later she pulls back to keep dancing 2 feet apart. Then she gets close again. I figured the easiest way to find out was to ask if she was gay, she said she is also bisexual. That was enough for me really, I just ignored the odd signals.
I liked her, so when she got close again, it was the most natural thing to kiss her. And it was incredible!, there were definetly sparks, loads of them. It was like my first time again: there was blood rushing through my head while the noise faded away. It was soft, and slow, and powerful. When I pulled back, she smiled and shook her head in disbelief.
Another odd signal. Was that a good thing or not? I let it go, because I was sure she was enjoying it too. But 3 kisses later she was still doing it. I was starting to wonder if I was really high and imagined the attraction and she was just putting up with a drunk girl at a club --albeit very willingly, because her hands were roooooooaming. But then I kissed her again, and it was amazing. You can't have such a mind blowing kiss be completely one sided... right? So I just let it be and enjoyed.
A little bit later, she said she was going to find her friends and asked me what I drank, then told me she would be back. Who hasn't pulled that trick before? But I was too freaking turned on and happy, plus, my gut told me my first impression was right: she was a shy girl, and she was into me.
She left. In the half hour (or less?) she was gone, I questioned my instincts, regretted not asking for her number, and even looked for her. When I didn't find her and she still didn't come back, I started to accept that she played that 'i will come back' card while disappearing to another part of the club. But she came back. And with the promised drink in her hand.
We danced a bit more, we made out a lot more, then we disappeared to a quieter part of the club. And started talking. Bree (yep, that's what I'm calling her), is older than me (surprisingly!), which was interesting, because there was no mention of homework or deadlines. She was more mature, but not out. And actually, she had never been with a girl before --which explained her disbelief; but she knew she was gay.
And unlike the night I met The Girl, Bree and I spent a good part of an hour talking. We hit it off really well too. In the quiet lounge, away from the pumping beats and the sweating bodies that add to the electric energy of the crowd, kissing her was just as intense.
Eventually we got kicked out of the lounge; not in a bad way, mind you. Then the lights of the club came on, they were closing down. So we took off, in search of a 24 hour restaurant. I did end up getting her number, while we walked the city at 4 in the morning holding hands. We shared a taxi ride home, but she didn't come home with me. I had guests over that night, it would have been awkward, given that The Roommate (my guest) was sleeping in my bed.
But wow did I ever want her to. I think it would be amazing with her. But if I'm honest, I like the idea of waiting. I also like the idea of maybe giving each other the chance and opportunity to have a regular dating relationship.
We texted for a bit that night and the next morning. Even when I woke up, I checked my cell to see if she had sent me something. And I spent a good 15 minutes trying to figure out what to say to her, when I couldn't find any reason to text her, I told her simply that I had I had no excuse for sending her a message so early, but I just wanted to say hi.
The entire time, The Girl was out of my thoughts. Not once did she cross my mind. But she was going to eventually, we had brunch planned for the next day.
They always smack you in the head when you're not looking for it
I met a girl. An amazing girl. There was no comparing, there was no wondering why it wasn't better. This was as good as when I met The Girl. Or better.
Update tmr.
Update tmr.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Er...
Just realized I have a hickey on my neck. Where you can see it. By everyone.
And I have a lunch thing with The Girl tomorrow.
I feel like laughing.
And I have a lunch thing with The Girl tomorrow.
I feel like laughing.
2, 4, 1
I read an article yesterday about dating and technology, and how its not uncommon for people to meet online nowadays. I should know, I went out with someone years ago who I met on a dating site. I haven't done it again because for the most part I enjoy the experience of meeting someone, flirting, making a connection, etc; but on a dating site, there's so much pressure to make a good profile that in the end, the you never know if the person you meet online will be the person you're actually going out with.
This article goes on to mention how people are using more informal online dating, on platforms they are already comfortable with: f@cebook. You can bypass the possibly awkward face of a date with FB, because of all the information people already post about themselves; based on that you can choose to make a move. And coincidentally, a couple of days ago I got poked by someone I didn't know, the result? A new friend. So yesterday morning, armed with this knowledge and with nothing to loose, I decided to go on the offensive. As I was browsing some lists I poked a girl who looked really cute.
She wrote back right away. Connection established. I thought it was great, at least they weren't dismissing the opportunity completely. So it started with small talk, and it escalated to the usual "Are you gay?". In a span of 10 hours, we went from hello, to having sex in my bed.
My intention originally, if she was interested, was to get to know each other a bit more, talk for a bit, possibly go for coffee during the weekend, you know, take it slow. Instead, she asked if I was busy that night. I was, P is in town with me remember? She seemed disappointed, so I decided to forgo traditional dating rules and told her to join me and my friends for drinks/dinner. She said yes, and came from out of town to hang out for a couple of hours.
I was honestly a bit buzzed by the time she got there. Which was great because it reduced my nervousness. But it didn't reduce my incredulity. I mean, how many people go out with a stranger after they've been poked?
The good thing is, she was cute, and she was exactly like her pictures. The not so good thing, she's still in university, and she was a couple of years younger than me. But that didn't seem to stop her. She was confident, extroverted, and interesting. I offered my place if she wanted to stay over, so she didn't have to go back, and I was clear that it didn't come with strings. I wasn't expecting sex in return for her staying over.
But she wanted to I guess, both to stay over and have sex. So in a hallway of the place we were at, she surprised me by asking if she could kiss me, then went ahead and did it anyway. Unlike Mr Hot Guy, this kiss had something in it. It was not flat. But it didn't make me week in the knees either, like The Girl somehow manages to. And the sex was... okay. From all the people I've been with, the 1 gay, the 4 straight guys and 2 gay girls, only with the exB and The Girl was it ever good and comfortable and intense. With Shell Glasses (that's her name... it was that or Online Girl), it was comfortable, but not that amazing. I actually kept comparing her to The Girl while we were in the middle of it; I know, a little disturbing.
But anyway, it was okay. I enjoyed the experience. Will I go out with Shell again? Maybe. We didn't talk about getting together again. It's very hands off this time. I'm not craving her, like I crave The Girl. But she is a cool girl, so I am willing to give it a try.
On a Straight Vs Gay comparison, so far, straight side is loosing.
Side note: P stayed at the exB's place, which is cool. But the exB seemed to be a bit.... jealous. Although I think he was masking it, blaming it on how uncool it was to kick P out (which, to be honest I feel terrible about, because I didn't want to kick anyone. My offer to Shell was one of politeness, one I never thought she would accept). But honestly, I rather if he's not jealous; jealousy usually gets its dirty hands in pockets where its not welcomed.
This article goes on to mention how people are using more informal online dating, on platforms they are already comfortable with: f@cebook. You can bypass the possibly awkward face of a date with FB, because of all the information people already post about themselves; based on that you can choose to make a move. And coincidentally, a couple of days ago I got poked by someone I didn't know, the result? A new friend. So yesterday morning, armed with this knowledge and with nothing to loose, I decided to go on the offensive. As I was browsing some lists I poked a girl who looked really cute.
She wrote back right away. Connection established. I thought it was great, at least they weren't dismissing the opportunity completely. So it started with small talk, and it escalated to the usual "Are you gay?". In a span of 10 hours, we went from hello, to having sex in my bed.
My intention originally, if she was interested, was to get to know each other a bit more, talk for a bit, possibly go for coffee during the weekend, you know, take it slow. Instead, she asked if I was busy that night. I was, P is in town with me remember? She seemed disappointed, so I decided to forgo traditional dating rules and told her to join me and my friends for drinks/dinner. She said yes, and came from out of town to hang out for a couple of hours.
I was honestly a bit buzzed by the time she got there. Which was great because it reduced my nervousness. But it didn't reduce my incredulity. I mean, how many people go out with a stranger after they've been poked?
The good thing is, she was cute, and she was exactly like her pictures. The not so good thing, she's still in university, and she was a couple of years younger than me. But that didn't seem to stop her. She was confident, extroverted, and interesting. I offered my place if she wanted to stay over, so she didn't have to go back, and I was clear that it didn't come with strings. I wasn't expecting sex in return for her staying over.
But she wanted to I guess, both to stay over and have sex. So in a hallway of the place we were at, she surprised me by asking if she could kiss me, then went ahead and did it anyway. Unlike Mr Hot Guy, this kiss had something in it. It was not flat. But it didn't make me week in the knees either, like The Girl somehow manages to. And the sex was... okay. From all the people I've been with, the 1 gay, the 4 straight guys and 2 gay girls, only with the exB and The Girl was it ever good and comfortable and intense. With Shell Glasses (that's her name... it was that or Online Girl), it was comfortable, but not that amazing. I actually kept comparing her to The Girl while we were in the middle of it; I know, a little disturbing.
But anyway, it was okay. I enjoyed the experience. Will I go out with Shell again? Maybe. We didn't talk about getting together again. It's very hands off this time. I'm not craving her, like I crave The Girl. But she is a cool girl, so I am willing to give it a try.
On a Straight Vs Gay comparison, so far, straight side is loosing.
Side note: P stayed at the exB's place, which is cool. But the exB seemed to be a bit.... jealous. Although I think he was masking it, blaming it on how uncool it was to kick P out (which, to be honest I feel terrible about, because I didn't want to kick anyone. My offer to Shell was one of politeness, one I never thought she would accept). But honestly, I rather if he's not jealous; jealousy usually gets its dirty hands in pockets where its not welcomed.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Good Day
Today, all day, I've had a good day. All because P is in town, and because I finally bit the bullet. I've been relaxed, busy, and full of prospects of things to do. My mind has been blissfully occupied with enjoying the company of people I'm with, and planning my upcoming trips.
I have a busy couple of weeks ahead. Which makes me... happy. I get to look forward to something.
The only tiny little thing that put a dent on my mood was finding out that The Girl has some sort of date on sunday. I know she goes out with other people, and its none of my business, but I don't like seeing it out there for the world to see. Meh, what can I say, 5 months of being in an undefined relationship will get to you in some form.
Anyway, while on the topic of The Girl and our relationship. She's going away for the summer. I always assumed when the time came, we would say goodbye, and each try to continue with our lives. I don't know if it will be the same as last time, where we intensified our relationship while we were away; or if maybe she's really going to just not be part of my life anymore. Either way, I thought I had enough time left with her.
All of this together, my fore coming trip, changes plans. For some reason, I have it in my head to do one last final thing with her, to say goodbye. I want to get away for a day, where we don't have deadlines, or work, and neither one of us has to take off. I've been thinking of giving us --us as in, the 'undefined' relationship that will be no more, one more night to enjoy it. I for one like the idea of ending it in a high note.
It has been one of the most amazing experiences, I want the last one to be mind blowing. So I thought of booking a room somewhere, and taking her away from the city. I haven't decided if this is a good idea or not yet; if I decide to go through with it, I will bring it up in the next couple of days, and see how she reacts.
I have a busy couple of weeks ahead. Which makes me... happy. I get to look forward to something.
The only tiny little thing that put a dent on my mood was finding out that The Girl has some sort of date on sunday. I know she goes out with other people, and its none of my business, but I don't like seeing it out there for the world to see. Meh, what can I say, 5 months of being in an undefined relationship will get to you in some form.
Anyway, while on the topic of The Girl and our relationship. She's going away for the summer. I always assumed when the time came, we would say goodbye, and each try to continue with our lives. I don't know if it will be the same as last time, where we intensified our relationship while we were away; or if maybe she's really going to just not be part of my life anymore. Either way, I thought I had enough time left with her.
All of this together, my fore coming trip, changes plans. For some reason, I have it in my head to do one last final thing with her, to say goodbye. I want to get away for a day, where we don't have deadlines, or work, and neither one of us has to take off. I've been thinking of giving us --us as in, the 'undefined' relationship that will be no more, one more night to enjoy it. I for one like the idea of ending it in a high note.
It has been one of the most amazing experiences, I want the last one to be mind blowing. So I thought of booking a room somewhere, and taking her away from the city. I haven't decided if this is a good idea or not yet; if I decide to go through with it, I will bring it up in the next couple of days, and see how she reacts.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Drunk
Wow. Just thought I should post about how, I am a bit drunk, and how it makes me think weird thoughts.
Like. I wish I had someone to spend the night with.
Hah.
Like. I wish I had someone to spend the night with.
Hah.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I bit the bullet
I finally did it, it has taken me months to do this. But I finally told my boss I wasn't happy anymore.
I was shaking, sweating, hyperventilating. It was so, so hard. I have so much respect for that place, and the people I've had the opportunity to work with. It has been my home, my friends and my world for years. It helped me grow from a green fresh out of college girl, to the person I am right now.
But enough is enough.
----
UPDATE: 11:22pm.
I'm taking a leave of absence. I have a couple more weeks, then I'm going away for a month. When I come back, I'll make a decision as to what I want to do with my life.
JJ buddy, we have to re-align our plans.
I was shaking, sweating, hyperventilating. It was so, so hard. I have so much respect for that place, and the people I've had the opportunity to work with. It has been my home, my friends and my world for years. It helped me grow from a green fresh out of college girl, to the person I am right now.
But enough is enough.
----
UPDATE: 11:22pm.
I'm taking a leave of absence. I have a couple more weeks, then I'm going away for a month. When I come back, I'll make a decision as to what I want to do with my life.
JJ buddy, we have to re-align our plans.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Domesticity
I broke my own deadline of not texting her until next week. I was bored to tears. An afternoon with absolutely nothing to do turned into, an afternoon with her. She asked if she could come over to do her work.
So we went for lunch, then came back to my place. She sat down, opened up her laptop and her books, and went into her little world for most of the day. I worked a bit on my own stuff. We played music, talked, randomly made out during breaks. When we got hungry we went out, walked, talked, ate some more, and came back in.
We spent a couple of hours in bed listening to music. She even made a play list with my songs. She talked about her week, I talked about mine. We both had an emotionally turbulent couple of days. She vented, I relaxed.
She said she had to go home that night. I didn't want her to go, but she needed to. When it got late, we said goodnight.
Its like we are a couple. And I know that's not the case. I know she enjoys the time we spend together. But I also know she doesn't want me to be a more regular part of her life. Probably because we're so different... But being with me its almost like her hiding place. She goes on with her life (for all I know she's seeing someone else.... I don't know), and once in a while, we get together.
But normally its just a night at her place. Its never been this hanging out thing. And I hate that I enjoyed it so much. Because its so much better to do 'nothing' with someone than by yourself.
So we went for lunch, then came back to my place. She sat down, opened up her laptop and her books, and went into her little world for most of the day. I worked a bit on my own stuff. We played music, talked, randomly made out during breaks. When we got hungry we went out, walked, talked, ate some more, and came back in.
We spent a couple of hours in bed listening to music. She even made a play list with my songs. She talked about her week, I talked about mine. We both had an emotionally turbulent couple of days. She vented, I relaxed.
She said she had to go home that night. I didn't want her to go, but she needed to. When it got late, we said goodnight.
Its like we are a couple. And I know that's not the case. I know she enjoys the time we spend together. But I also know she doesn't want me to be a more regular part of her life. Probably because we're so different... But being with me its almost like her hiding place. She goes on with her life (for all I know she's seeing someone else.... I don't know), and once in a while, we get together.
But normally its just a night at her place. Its never been this hanging out thing. And I hate that I enjoyed it so much. Because its so much better to do 'nothing' with someone than by yourself.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I previously boring afternoon
She's sitting in my living room working.
I'm sitting in my computer working.
All its good.
I'm sitting in my computer working.
All its good.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Domino effect
Every month is the same thing, I go through a rollercoaster of emotions, my mood takes a nose dive, I question everything, feelings get intensified...
Things I can normally deal with become impossible. My job and how unhappy I am there. The urge to get on a plane and go somewhere for a while. The feeling of rejection every time The Girl says no. The lack of self-confidence I have to get out my life out of the rut is in.
It should be simple. According to this guy, it is. All it takes is a change in your attitude. You are unhappy with your job? quit. You want to travel? find a way to do so. You want to move? go ahead. You want to walk into that gay club you've been wanting to go to for months and meet people? Do it.
It sounds so simple. Its all about risks, if you want something out of life, you have to be willing to not get it. Its a 50-50 chance right? There are days when it seems nothing is impossible, but then, most days it feels like it is.
Sometimes the negative 50% controls me. I'm afraid I won't get a job I'll like. I'm too lazy to go through the process of traveling for long periods of time. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself if I walk into a club on my own. So all I do is think about it. And bitch about it.
I wish that negative 50% would just go away. But it wont. So I guess I'm giving myself a pep-talk with this. Make one big change, pick up momentum, follow through with the rest. It will be like dominoes.
Things I can normally deal with become impossible. My job and how unhappy I am there. The urge to get on a plane and go somewhere for a while. The feeling of rejection every time The Girl says no. The lack of self-confidence I have to get out my life out of the rut is in.
It should be simple. According to this guy, it is. All it takes is a change in your attitude. You are unhappy with your job? quit. You want to travel? find a way to do so. You want to move? go ahead. You want to walk into that gay club you've been wanting to go to for months and meet people? Do it.
It sounds so simple. Its all about risks, if you want something out of life, you have to be willing to not get it. Its a 50-50 chance right? There are days when it seems nothing is impossible, but then, most days it feels like it is.
Sometimes the negative 50% controls me. I'm afraid I won't get a job I'll like. I'm too lazy to go through the process of traveling for long periods of time. I'm terrified of making a fool of myself if I walk into a club on my own. So all I do is think about it. And bitch about it.
I wish that negative 50% would just go away. But it wont. So I guess I'm giving myself a pep-talk with this. Make one big change, pick up momentum, follow through with the rest. It will be like dominoes.
One blow after another
For the last five months I have been trying to start my life from the ground up. There was really nothing there to start with, because everything I had the exB and I shared. I didn't think it would be that difficult, after all, all I needed to do was take control of my life. Setup a few accounts here and there, get myself a nice small apartment and slowly build something that was entirely mine.
First came the bank accounts. Easy enough you would think, but no. There were complications with that, because apparently you build a reputation with your bank after a certain time, so if you decide to split things up, your reputation doesn't go with you. My first few cheques were held for days, not fun.
Then came the apartment. This I've written about. There were bugs. The apartment was/is old. It needs so much damn work.
Then it was my cellphone bill. Waay over the top, about 3 months in a row.
Thrown in there, add that I lost a very important (and expensive) item that wretched night, which I had to replace.
I had to buy things for my apartment (we couldn't split a pan in half), there was all that partying, plus the Christmas presents, that trip to City Y, normal every day expenses...
Then today I get another bill, completely unexpected, something I thought was part of the apartment. But alas, it is not be.
I simply don't get paid enough for any of this shit. And the more control I have over my life the more I realize that its freaking difficult to do so when your income gets cut by 60%.
The stress is killing me. That and the PMS I'm going through (which coincidentally makes me feel isolated and alone and depressed).
First came the bank accounts. Easy enough you would think, but no. There were complications with that, because apparently you build a reputation with your bank after a certain time, so if you decide to split things up, your reputation doesn't go with you. My first few cheques were held for days, not fun.
Then came the apartment. This I've written about. There were bugs. The apartment was/is old. It needs so much damn work.
Then it was my cellphone bill. Waay over the top, about 3 months in a row.
Thrown in there, add that I lost a very important (and expensive) item that wretched night, which I had to replace.
I had to buy things for my apartment (we couldn't split a pan in half), there was all that partying, plus the Christmas presents, that trip to City Y, normal every day expenses...
Then today I get another bill, completely unexpected, something I thought was part of the apartment. But alas, it is not be.
I simply don't get paid enough for any of this shit. And the more control I have over my life the more I realize that its freaking difficult to do so when your income gets cut by 60%.
The stress is killing me. That and the PMS I'm going through (which coincidentally makes me feel isolated and alone and depressed).
Everyday woes
1. I want to quit my job.
2. I want to make enough to live somewhere that I like.
3. I want to go on vacation.
4. I want a new cooler job.
5. I want the Roommate to grow some balls.
2. I want to make enough to live somewhere that I like.
3. I want to go on vacation.
4. I want a new cooler job.
5. I want the Roommate to grow some balls.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Writing, then and now.
When I first created this blog and I started writing I debated the idea of telling a few close people about it. But I didn't. I just wanted this to be a journal, a confession room (or textbox). There was nobody judging me back, and I was free to say everything I felt; the ugly, the bad, and the amazing.
But then life really took on a life of its own. My first post was a week before anything with The Girl happened, and about a week after the exB and I broke up. I didn't plan to have such crazy couple of months right after it, neither did I plan to suddenly get involved with a girl. In the 5 months since, I've become... someone different.
At the beginning, it was a complete selfish and solitary journey. The more that happened on my life, the more I felt I was hiding. There was so much excitement and confusion that I needed to tell someone. I needed to talk to someone. I needed them to know what I was going through, I needed validation. And little by little I told my friends, and the exB about my 'relationship' with The Girl. My family of course, remains out of the equation.
As I was living those experiences, I wrote about them. It was liberating. I could say anything I wanted, I could be blunt, crass, crude, emotional, happy, sentimental. It was so much easier to write than to speak about those feelings.
So for convenience's sake, I told J about the blog. Then I told another friend. Then another. Two months into it, my readership grew from zero to 5. And during those first two months I had the urge to just tell everyone about it. I wanted to merge this blog into my regular life. I didn't want to hide.
Somehow I stopped thinking about it; although all the party binges I went on probably had something to do with it. Until today, when I came across this article, by a Harvard student who exposes everything about her sex life and her relationships for the world to see. She recommends to keep it quiet, and anonymous. The consequences of dealing with all those details out there for the world are so far negative, see Jakob & Julia, or the author of the above article on Sex & The Ivy.
I'm happy I didn't out myself. Not so because I'm ashamed, but because I would loose the ability to be open about my feelings. To be honest. Not to mention all the people I would hurt.
But then life really took on a life of its own. My first post was a week before anything with The Girl happened, and about a week after the exB and I broke up. I didn't plan to have such crazy couple of months right after it, neither did I plan to suddenly get involved with a girl. In the 5 months since, I've become... someone different.
At the beginning, it was a complete selfish and solitary journey. The more that happened on my life, the more I felt I was hiding. There was so much excitement and confusion that I needed to tell someone. I needed to talk to someone. I needed them to know what I was going through, I needed validation. And little by little I told my friends, and the exB about my 'relationship' with The Girl. My family of course, remains out of the equation.
As I was living those experiences, I wrote about them. It was liberating. I could say anything I wanted, I could be blunt, crass, crude, emotional, happy, sentimental. It was so much easier to write than to speak about those feelings.
So for convenience's sake, I told J about the blog. Then I told another friend. Then another. Two months into it, my readership grew from zero to 5. And during those first two months I had the urge to just tell everyone about it. I wanted to merge this blog into my regular life. I didn't want to hide.
Somehow I stopped thinking about it; although all the party binges I went on probably had something to do with it. Until today, when I came across this article, by a Harvard student who exposes everything about her sex life and her relationships for the world to see. She recommends to keep it quiet, and anonymous. The consequences of dealing with all those details out there for the world are so far negative, see Jakob & Julia, or the author of the above article on Sex & The Ivy.
I'm happy I didn't out myself. Not so because I'm ashamed, but because I would loose the ability to be open about my feelings. To be honest. Not to mention all the people I would hurt.
In the near future
I really have to get a new job. Its not normal to be so damn angry about working in something you supposedly enjoy.
I have to bite the bullet and just quit.
I have to bite the bullet and just quit.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Weak in the knees
11:47pm: big edits on this post.
12:36am: more than half the post is re-written. done now.
The Girl and I had one of our nights planned for tonight. If I'm early, we have dinner, otherwise we just spend the night together. Generally I'm there pretty late, and she's usually tired, so we just go to bed... and pretend we'll sleep.
Anyway, the plan came about during the weekend. Odly enough, it came from her side. The whole weekend I've had a barrage of requests from her. In truth, she generally sets the time/date of our get-togethers, so its not unusual that she tells me when to go, but its unusual that I hear from her 3/4 days in a row and so often.
Saturday morning we talked for a bit, she was feeling under a lot of pressure with University, then that afternoon she asked me for help proof-reading one of her writings. Strange coming from her, I'm not qualified to do so and she doesn't like showing her stuff to anyone. But I ended up spending two hours going through it with her, all on chat and email. Then that same night, I get a txt asking me to stop by if I was close by. I had to say no, I was at [enter club name of the week here] with Mr Hot Guy.
On sunday, I got an email with a song she liked and a question about my night. That thread turned into an invitation to have dinner with her. But then ast night I asked her if she wanted to move our get-together (date?) forward, and to my surprise she said yes. We even talked on the phone(!) for a good ten minutes.
Two things worth mentioning, her first offer for me to spend the night came with a condition: that I don't spend the night. I agreed, thinking that a couple of hours is better than none, and also because maybe we would be able to 'cut' back on each other. Or rather, I would be able to learn how to detach without the cravings. I spent the night anyway. The second thing: she was lonely, and wanted to see me, which is how I ended up spending the night anyway.
So yestarday, after dropping my future Rooommate to-be, I went to her place. We had dinner and talked; a concert she's going to, how the whole Roommate situation is shaping up, her paper for University, etc. She wanted me me to go along to some sort of university event she had agreed on attending, so I did. I thought we would do whatever that night, then give her a nice kiss goodbye.
Sadly, I have to bring A.G into the story. Its starting to piss me off, but its part of the story. Five minutes after we arrive at the event, A.G shows up. 10 minutes into it, they want to leave and go for a drink. It was early, and I hadn't had a chance to talk to her about saturday, and I had barely an hour with her up to that point, so I stuck around. I thought after a beer or two A.G would leave us alone.
Wrong. Worse? it was uncomfortable. It was awkward to be with both of them on a social setting. More so because A.G went on this rant about how he can't find anyone to settle down with (he's 20!), and how everyone on the gay community is the same: superficial survivalists bastards. I disagreed with a lot of what he said, to the point we started arguing but pretending it was all good. Really all I wanted to say to get over it, and roll my eyes, because all he was doing was bitching.
See he sat there and literally insulted me. First I haven't been gay long enough, then how lesbians get it easier than gay men, then how I just got out of a x year long relationship. Whats with the two-face act he's pulling with me and The Girl? He totally ignores me when he's with her, but when he's with me, he wants to sleep with me? Immature, which is coincidentally another reason why he can't settle down, he needs to grow up.
Anyway, after a while of ranting, he left the table and The Girl turned to me and asked me to say we had to go, because she felt bad. I wanted to get out of there, and I didn't feel guilty at all; I had just spent 2 very dull hours trying to keep my mouth shut.
And it was two blocks away, on a busy street corner where we stopped, and we were blissfully alone. She became the usual Girl I know. She asked me to spend the night, so I asked her to make a choice. She said she was feeling lonely (explains all those requests)...
So I stayed. And like usual, she's tired, and she wants to sleep. Its funny that now after we've been doing these get-togethers, we've lost a bit of the romance I guess that goes along with it. There's no undressing, or slow getting into bed; now its a comfortable routine, while i brush my teeth she gets into bed, I get there and literally drop all my stuff on a corner, undress, and get into bed next to her. No flirting, or any of what you'd think goes along with events like these. It makes me wonder if she's noticed this habit we've gotten into, because I think once she does she might freak out a bit.
Aaanyway. I digress. We started talking. She asked me about Saturday. Something I didn't mention: I sent her a text after my mini-freakout telling her what I thought: that I was definetly gay. So she asked me what made me say that. I knew I was going to talk to her about it, but I never stopped to think how it would be like to tell her about that I was making out with someone else, to her face. So when it came time to talk about it, I kinda froze. But hell I was already knee-deep in it, so I told her a stripped version of it, I didn't say I kissed anyone else, but the story I guess speaks for itself. I told said there was no spark, no chemistry, no nothing. You don't freak out and send txts like those after just dancing with a guy.
I told her about my confusion: how was it possible that my childhood ideal guy was so.. flat? Was it a chemistry issue or a new found orientation? And what did that mean? Do I know have to talk to my family to avoid lying? How are they going to take it? Am I know a lesbian?
She understood the fears and the freakout. She understood that it felt like a door just unwillingly closed behind me. And what happens next is a bit explicit I guess. Its a re-count rather than a summary...
It was probably past midnight. All I could see was her face in the shadows, I could feel her warm and close to me. It was always so when we talked, like we couldn't let each other get away. She was lying next to me, so close I could feel her breathing. I was confused as hell, unsure of myself, all I could say was "I don't know what it means". She had no better answer, but she understood. She kissed me, to reassure, to comfort, to show understanding. I knew what she was doing. I could feel her hands on my lower back. She kissed me again, slower that time and asked while she did so: "he didn't do this for you?". I swear I shivered. I really did. My heart was beating waay too loud, I couldn't hear anything, and I could feel waves of something running through me. There was something in me that felt like exploding. I know this sounds like a badly written Nora Roberts, but geez it made me freaking tremble, it made me feel like I was going to drown, because yeah Mr Hot guy definetly does nothing for me. It was overwhelming.
I had to ask her to stop because the feelings were so incredibly powerful. She noticed, even though I said everything was okay the 3 times she asked me. We were both quiet, still close to each other, just waiting for it to pass. When I felt myself getting back to normal I kissed her, both happy and sad that the feeling was not there anymore. I guess I turned dominant on her again because she asked me if I wanted to go on top. Haha. We weren't doing anything, honest. I was just kissing her. But she understands the loss of control that accompanies vulnerability, and one solution for her was to give me that control again. But all I could do was laugh at her offer. It was so sweet.
Either way I wasn't vulnerable, just confused. She almost proved it with that kiss. I say almost because what she said later was just as valid: a few years down the road I might meet a guy that might not be flat, a guy who has spark. I guess the same way it felt with the exB those first few months. Right now, nothing else has that much punch.
She knew what it felt like to suddenly realize you now don't have much of a choice. We talked about her coming out story, how it was for her, for her family. It was one of those re-assuring conversations, where at the end you feel better knowing someone else went through something similar.
We stayed up for a long time. Our conversations morphed from one to another, topics covering so many personal issues dealing with being gay. Towards the end, right before we fell asleep, we talked (again) about us, how she she is scared I'm going to get hurt. She really doesn't think she's any good to/for me. I told her I didn't know if I would get hurt or not, but the fact was, as long as she was honest with me, I could deal with it.
Honesty is what kept us seeing each other in the first place. In a couple of months we went from dating to undefined. We sort of date, but not really. We see each other max of once a week. We can see other people, have sex with other people, talk to each other about those other people. We like each other. There's a certain level of trust and respect. We have nothing in common. We can't be together for too long periods of time. We are not responsible to each other. There is none of that growing with the other person shit. What does all equal to? Undefined.
And as much as I usually hate those kinds of floating items, because for me everything fits neatly in a box, labeled and perfectly compartmentalized inside my head; this is one of those few times I'm not desperate to define it.
It is what it is.
12:36am: more than half the post is re-written. done now.
The Girl and I had one of our nights planned for tonight. If I'm early, we have dinner, otherwise we just spend the night together. Generally I'm there pretty late, and she's usually tired, so we just go to bed... and pretend we'll sleep.
Anyway, the plan came about during the weekend. Odly enough, it came from her side. The whole weekend I've had a barrage of requests from her. In truth, she generally sets the time/date of our get-togethers, so its not unusual that she tells me when to go, but its unusual that I hear from her 3/4 days in a row and so often.
Saturday morning we talked for a bit, she was feeling under a lot of pressure with University, then that afternoon she asked me for help proof-reading one of her writings. Strange coming from her, I'm not qualified to do so and she doesn't like showing her stuff to anyone. But I ended up spending two hours going through it with her, all on chat and email. Then that same night, I get a txt asking me to stop by if I was close by. I had to say no, I was at [enter club name of the week here] with Mr Hot Guy.
On sunday, I got an email with a song she liked and a question about my night. That thread turned into an invitation to have dinner with her. But then ast night I asked her if she wanted to move our get-together (date?) forward, and to my surprise she said yes. We even talked on the phone(!) for a good ten minutes.
Two things worth mentioning, her first offer for me to spend the night came with a condition: that I don't spend the night. I agreed, thinking that a couple of hours is better than none, and also because maybe we would be able to 'cut' back on each other. Or rather, I would be able to learn how to detach without the cravings. I spent the night anyway. The second thing: she was lonely, and wanted to see me, which is how I ended up spending the night anyway.
So yestarday, after dropping my future Rooommate to-be, I went to her place. We had dinner and talked; a concert she's going to, how the whole Roommate situation is shaping up, her paper for University, etc. She wanted me me to go along to some sort of university event she had agreed on attending, so I did. I thought we would do whatever that night, then give her a nice kiss goodbye.
Sadly, I have to bring A.G into the story. Its starting to piss me off, but its part of the story. Five minutes after we arrive at the event, A.G shows up. 10 minutes into it, they want to leave and go for a drink. It was early, and I hadn't had a chance to talk to her about saturday, and I had barely an hour with her up to that point, so I stuck around. I thought after a beer or two A.G would leave us alone.
Wrong. Worse? it was uncomfortable. It was awkward to be with both of them on a social setting. More so because A.G went on this rant about how he can't find anyone to settle down with (he's 20!), and how everyone on the gay community is the same: superficial survivalists bastards. I disagreed with a lot of what he said, to the point we started arguing but pretending it was all good. Really all I wanted to say to get over it, and roll my eyes, because all he was doing was bitching.
See he sat there and literally insulted me. First I haven't been gay long enough, then how lesbians get it easier than gay men, then how I just got out of a x year long relationship. Whats with the two-face act he's pulling with me and The Girl? He totally ignores me when he's with her, but when he's with me, he wants to sleep with me? Immature, which is coincidentally another reason why he can't settle down, he needs to grow up.
Anyway, after a while of ranting, he left the table and The Girl turned to me and asked me to say we had to go, because she felt bad. I wanted to get out of there, and I didn't feel guilty at all; I had just spent 2 very dull hours trying to keep my mouth shut.
And it was two blocks away, on a busy street corner where we stopped, and we were blissfully alone. She became the usual Girl I know. She asked me to spend the night, so I asked her to make a choice. She said she was feeling lonely (explains all those requests)...
So I stayed. And like usual, she's tired, and she wants to sleep. Its funny that now after we've been doing these get-togethers, we've lost a bit of the romance I guess that goes along with it. There's no undressing, or slow getting into bed; now its a comfortable routine, while i brush my teeth she gets into bed, I get there and literally drop all my stuff on a corner, undress, and get into bed next to her. No flirting, or any of what you'd think goes along with events like these. It makes me wonder if she's noticed this habit we've gotten into, because I think once she does she might freak out a bit.
Aaanyway. I digress. We started talking. She asked me about Saturday. Something I didn't mention: I sent her a text after my mini-freakout telling her what I thought: that I was definetly gay. So she asked me what made me say that. I knew I was going to talk to her about it, but I never stopped to think how it would be like to tell her about that I was making out with someone else, to her face. So when it came time to talk about it, I kinda froze. But hell I was already knee-deep in it, so I told her a stripped version of it, I didn't say I kissed anyone else, but the story I guess speaks for itself. I told said there was no spark, no chemistry, no nothing. You don't freak out and send txts like those after just dancing with a guy.
I told her about my confusion: how was it possible that my childhood ideal guy was so.. flat? Was it a chemistry issue or a new found orientation? And what did that mean? Do I know have to talk to my family to avoid lying? How are they going to take it? Am I know a lesbian?
She understood the fears and the freakout. She understood that it felt like a door just unwillingly closed behind me. And what happens next is a bit explicit I guess. Its a re-count rather than a summary...
It was probably past midnight. All I could see was her face in the shadows, I could feel her warm and close to me. It was always so when we talked, like we couldn't let each other get away. She was lying next to me, so close I could feel her breathing. I was confused as hell, unsure of myself, all I could say was "I don't know what it means". She had no better answer, but she understood. She kissed me, to reassure, to comfort, to show understanding. I knew what she was doing. I could feel her hands on my lower back. She kissed me again, slower that time and asked while she did so: "he didn't do this for you?". I swear I shivered. I really did. My heart was beating waay too loud, I couldn't hear anything, and I could feel waves of something running through me. There was something in me that felt like exploding. I know this sounds like a badly written Nora Roberts, but geez it made me freaking tremble, it made me feel like I was going to drown, because yeah Mr Hot guy definetly does nothing for me. It was overwhelming.
I had to ask her to stop because the feelings were so incredibly powerful. She noticed, even though I said everything was okay the 3 times she asked me. We were both quiet, still close to each other, just waiting for it to pass. When I felt myself getting back to normal I kissed her, both happy and sad that the feeling was not there anymore. I guess I turned dominant on her again because she asked me if I wanted to go on top. Haha. We weren't doing anything, honest. I was just kissing her. But she understands the loss of control that accompanies vulnerability, and one solution for her was to give me that control again. But all I could do was laugh at her offer. It was so sweet.
Either way I wasn't vulnerable, just confused. She almost proved it with that kiss. I say almost because what she said later was just as valid: a few years down the road I might meet a guy that might not be flat, a guy who has spark. I guess the same way it felt with the exB those first few months. Right now, nothing else has that much punch.
She knew what it felt like to suddenly realize you now don't have much of a choice. We talked about her coming out story, how it was for her, for her family. It was one of those re-assuring conversations, where at the end you feel better knowing someone else went through something similar.
We stayed up for a long time. Our conversations morphed from one to another, topics covering so many personal issues dealing with being gay. Towards the end, right before we fell asleep, we talked (again) about us, how she she is scared I'm going to get hurt. She really doesn't think she's any good to/for me. I told her I didn't know if I would get hurt or not, but the fact was, as long as she was honest with me, I could deal with it.
Honesty is what kept us seeing each other in the first place. In a couple of months we went from dating to undefined. We sort of date, but not really. We see each other max of once a week. We can see other people, have sex with other people, talk to each other about those other people. We like each other. There's a certain level of trust and respect. We have nothing in common. We can't be together for too long periods of time. We are not responsible to each other. There is none of that growing with the other person shit. What does all equal to? Undefined.
And as much as I usually hate those kinds of floating items, because for me everything fits neatly in a box, labeled and perfectly compartmentalized inside my head; this is one of those few times I'm not desperate to define it.
It is what it is.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
In other news
I went out with A.G on friday. It was great, until he asked me to spend the night again. And again I said no, in spite of the many hints I dropped that night: "I ain't doing any dicks tonight". Crude I know.
The Girl asked me to help her with school work, something apparently took her a lot of courage to ask for. I helped as much as I could, which led to a conversation about how she's using me. I explained one of my life beliefs: friends are there for you and don't expect anything back. I was glad to help her with something, but that didn't mean she had to do something in return. I told her another one of my life beliefs: everyone uses each other --and that's not a bad thing, I mean why sugar-coat it? She is using me, but I'm also using her.
I don't know if she was trying to give me something in return for me helping her, but I got a text asking me to stop by and say hi if I could. Of course I wanted to, but I couldn't. And then today I got an email.
Its odd being the one saying no, and being "chasen". Its nice though, I like knowing at least she still likes me. :)
The Girl asked me to help her with school work, something apparently took her a lot of courage to ask for. I helped as much as I could, which led to a conversation about how she's using me. I explained one of my life beliefs: friends are there for you and don't expect anything back. I was glad to help her with something, but that didn't mean she had to do something in return. I told her another one of my life beliefs: everyone uses each other --and that's not a bad thing, I mean why sugar-coat it? She is using me, but I'm also using her.
I don't know if she was trying to give me something in return for me helping her, but I got a text asking me to stop by and say hi if I could. Of course I wanted to, but I couldn't. And then today I got an email.
Its odd being the one saying no, and being "chasen". Its nice though, I like knowing at least she still likes me. :)
Hint Hint
Its 3am, just got back from a night out with the girls, I'm a bit drunk, and I'm more confused about my sexuality than ever.
Update: 10am, morning after.
My Roommate (that's the name she's getting) arrived into town yestarday. We had been talking about going out for months, and until yestarday it didn't happen. I had originally planned to take her to one of the fun gay clubs I've been frequenting, but then my other friend --who is straight-- wanted a straight club. And that is how we found ourselves at [enter good club of the week here].
In all fairness, I didn't want to go, but that's because my experiences at straight clubs always follows same pattern: you arrive, you drink, you dance with your circle of (girl)friends, some random dude sneaks up behind you, you push him away, or the alternative: random dude sneaks up behind you, you dance with him, he thinks you're going to go home and sleep with him. Yesterday was no different. Although not having a boyfriend now destroys the normal barrier you have "hi sorry no, I'm engaged" (my usual line). So we drank (a lot), and danced; together and with many random dudes.
The crowd was incredibly good looking. The girls are all in competition with each other for who's hottest, the guys all wear the dress shirt with the collar open, or with a argyle pattern vest. I'm not kidding, I saw the same vest in 4 different guys. Anyway, yesterday I decided to try and enjoy my bisexual side that likes men.
Here's what happened: I re-discovered how picky I am. I don't like bulky guys, I like tall guys, I like blond hair, I like the preppy look. In fairness there were a fair amount of guys like these at the club, but none seemed interesting. And also, generally people that look like that are very self-aware of their hotness, which makes them confident; and that intimidates me, probably because I think I'm not good looking enough (that post about my self-confidence and such is for another time though). Last night I had enough alcohol in me to not care much, so I flirted a lot.
Then I saw The Guy With The Gray Jacket. He was Mr. Popular that night, he was Mr. Hot, Mr. I'm-too-good-looking-for-you. I know, I know. So I told my friend J about him, that I found him to be literally the image of my childhood prince charming. He really had ALL the qualities I like. And my friend J, she went over, and literally dragged him to where I was.
There was a bit of talking involved this time, unlike last time. But unlike last time it took about 2 minutes for us to kiss. There I was having my wow moment with the hot guy, who in spite of being drunk smelled good, and.... there was no spark. None. But he was hot, and I was amazed at the wow-ness of it, so I danced with him some more, we made out some more, and then he stuck his hand down my pants --the front of my pants (I didn't let him get far though). And.. I couldn't enjoy it. It was fun to taunt him and make him think that I would go home with him, but I couldn't go through. I even thought of reciprocating the whole hand down the pants thing, haha, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it.
I escaped into the safeness of my friends, and had a revelation mini-breakdown in the bathroom: I like girls, more than guys. Now my bisexuality is in question.
Maybe it was the lack of connection? I don't have much experience making out with random people at clubs, aside from that night, and last night. [Side note: last time I made out randomly with someone I was very drunk at a party about 6 years ago. I don't remember anything about that night, so I am not going to count that]. But based on my experience, you can't connect with someone just by dancing with them. And 2 out of those 3 girls I made out with last night, had more of a punch than Mr. Hot Guy With The Gray Jacket last night.
When I told him I wasn't going home with him, he found himself another girl from his legions of followers. By the way, he's "a big deal" where he comes from: University. Let me roll my eyes a bit, because yes, he was a younger hot shot.
Anyway, the rest of the night went by like I predicted: drinking some more, dancing some more, moving roaming hands away, pretending you would go home with them even tho you are not.
So last night was a revelation. It makes me think a bit more about being more gay than straight, It makes it harder to label myself. Almost forces me to choose sides. And it stirs up thoughts of this being a life choice, a long-term life choice; which makes me think of telling my family: a very scary thought.
Update: 10am, morning after.
My Roommate (that's the name she's getting) arrived into town yestarday. We had been talking about going out for months, and until yestarday it didn't happen. I had originally planned to take her to one of the fun gay clubs I've been frequenting, but then my other friend --who is straight-- wanted a straight club. And that is how we found ourselves at [enter good club of the week here].
In all fairness, I didn't want to go, but that's because my experiences at straight clubs always follows same pattern: you arrive, you drink, you dance with your circle of (girl)friends, some random dude sneaks up behind you, you push him away, or the alternative: random dude sneaks up behind you, you dance with him, he thinks you're going to go home and sleep with him. Yesterday was no different. Although not having a boyfriend now destroys the normal barrier you have "hi sorry no, I'm engaged" (my usual line). So we drank (a lot), and danced; together and with many random dudes.
The crowd was incredibly good looking. The girls are all in competition with each other for who's hottest, the guys all wear the dress shirt with the collar open, or with a argyle pattern vest. I'm not kidding, I saw the same vest in 4 different guys. Anyway, yesterday I decided to try and enjoy my bisexual side that likes men.
Here's what happened: I re-discovered how picky I am. I don't like bulky guys, I like tall guys, I like blond hair, I like the preppy look. In fairness there were a fair amount of guys like these at the club, but none seemed interesting. And also, generally people that look like that are very self-aware of their hotness, which makes them confident; and that intimidates me, probably because I think I'm not good looking enough (that post about my self-confidence and such is for another time though). Last night I had enough alcohol in me to not care much, so I flirted a lot.
Then I saw The Guy With The Gray Jacket. He was Mr. Popular that night, he was Mr. Hot, Mr. I'm-too-good-looking-for-you. I know, I know. So I told my friend J about him, that I found him to be literally the image of my childhood prince charming. He really had ALL the qualities I like. And my friend J, she went over, and literally dragged him to where I was.
There was a bit of talking involved this time, unlike last time. But unlike last time it took about 2 minutes for us to kiss. There I was having my wow moment with the hot guy, who in spite of being drunk smelled good, and.... there was no spark. None. But he was hot, and I was amazed at the wow-ness of it, so I danced with him some more, we made out some more, and then he stuck his hand down my pants --the front of my pants (I didn't let him get far though). And.. I couldn't enjoy it. It was fun to taunt him and make him think that I would go home with him, but I couldn't go through. I even thought of reciprocating the whole hand down the pants thing, haha, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it.
I escaped into the safeness of my friends, and had a revelation mini-breakdown in the bathroom: I like girls, more than guys. Now my bisexuality is in question.
Maybe it was the lack of connection? I don't have much experience making out with random people at clubs, aside from that night, and last night. [Side note: last time I made out randomly with someone I was very drunk at a party about 6 years ago. I don't remember anything about that night, so I am not going to count that]. But based on my experience, you can't connect with someone just by dancing with them. And 2 out of those 3 girls I made out with last night, had more of a punch than Mr. Hot Guy With The Gray Jacket last night.
When I told him I wasn't going home with him, he found himself another girl from his legions of followers. By the way, he's "a big deal" where he comes from: University. Let me roll my eyes a bit, because yes, he was a younger hot shot.
Anyway, the rest of the night went by like I predicted: drinking some more, dancing some more, moving roaming hands away, pretending you would go home with them even tho you are not.
So last night was a revelation. It makes me think a bit more about being more gay than straight, It makes it harder to label myself. Almost forces me to choose sides. And it stirs up thoughts of this being a life choice, a long-term life choice; which makes me think of telling my family: a very scary thought.
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