I spent the night at her place yesterday, and I had so much fun. It was relaxed, comfortable, and... hilarious.
There was no talking of us, and our fears and emotional issues, no breakdowns, no embarrasement, no vulnerability. Even my mood was different, I wasn't submissive, or low on energy. On the contrary, I was hyper. I felt I was bouncing off the walls. Yestarday, and today has luckily been one of those good days, where you feel productive and you're not thinking of how to escape into oblivion.
I guess that's why last night was different between us too, I wasn't using her to escape, instead we were just enjoying each other. There was a lot of smiling and laughing involved, something that we had been lacking lately.
The thing is that we both seemed to arrive at this comfortable situation by agreement last night. After dinner, we went back to her place, and she asked me almost shyly if I was going to spend the night; odd question because I always do. She wasn't sure if we should keep doing what we were doing, she's afraid a month down the road she'll be to me (& my friends) "that bitch that played with me". I hope none of my friends are thinking that because I'm not, its definetly not her fault that I'm going through this post-breakup adjustment, if anything she's complicated things a bit, but really all I've done was displace my problems. I told her I maybe shouldn't see her, but that I wanted to. And that I think its good we see each other when I'm not in one of my off days.
I felt I was in control of myself and my emotions last night, but right before I told her that, A.G called saying he was visiting for a bit. Internally, I rolled my eyes. I mean seriously? Its really awkward to have him around when The Girl and I are together a few days after he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was around for a bit, so The Girl and I, not having finished our conversation, stayed apart from each other.
After he left, thankfully without mentioning anything about anything really; I was left wondering if I should go home too. I offered, she said she didn't want to, and I didn't neither, so that was that.
Then this morning after we got up, we're going about sort of the morning routine we've developed: we get dressed, and delay getting dressed by randomly making out some more; when A.G knocked on the window --totally unexpected. He walked in and saw me, so he said to The Girl "why am I not surprised?". I guess that was my limit, the weirdness of the situation and the pretending there's nothing wrong, because I impulsively replied in a bitchy tone no less "why would you?".
I ended up literally rushing out of there with the excuse I was late for work. Which is bullshit really, I was already an hour and a half late, and The Girl knew since early that morning that I wasn't going to be on time. I hugged him goodbye awkwardly again, then went to give her a chaste hug, but instead she gave me a chaste goodbye kiss. I wish I had been less rattled, because I should have really kissed her. Instead, I kissed her back quickly and walked out the door.
Its odd to have them both as friends now, because I'm keeping things from both of them. She doesn't know anything about friday, and he really doesn't know how much I still see her and talk to her. Maybe they talk to each other about things but if they do I'm not aware of it.
Anyway, other than that, the night/morning was amazing. The mood for the evening was... playful. She was even more open and receptive than normal too. I think for the first time since we started sleeping together I was aggressive; and the role shift made things so much fun!!! I think we're both happy the night went by without issues, without longterm repercussions.
And right now, I'm not craving her like I usually do after seeing her.
I am... happy. Today has been good. I hope it sticks.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Re: Control the cravings
I texted her. She was sleeping of course, so no reply.
For the best. If she'd replied I would be back at square one.
For the best. If she'd replied I would be back at square one.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Control the cravings
I want to text her....
We haven't texted in over a week. Way to go [me].
But. But. She recently started chatting, sporadically, online. So we've talked for a couple of minutes on and off this week.
I texted yesterday, asking if she was free. She wasn't.
Today, we talked for a bit about some nonsense. But I still want to text her. I kinda wish I could spend the night. But its late and she's probably going to be sleeping.
And I shouldn't, really shouldn't.
I'm craving it, a part of me says, let it be, another part says, what tha hell, just humiliate yourself a bit more, and ask her again.
This sucks.
We haven't texted in over a week. Way to go [me].
But. But. She recently started chatting, sporadically, online. So we've talked for a couple of minutes on and off this week.
I texted yesterday, asking if she was free. She wasn't.
Today, we talked for a bit about some nonsense. But I still want to text her. I kinda wish I could spend the night. But its late and she's probably going to be sleeping.
And I shouldn't, really shouldn't.
I'm craving it, a part of me says, let it be, another part says, what tha hell, just humiliate yourself a bit more, and ask her again.
This sucks.
Escaping
Imagine its about 2 in the afternoon and you're sitting on an old rickety chair, wet from the sun and the ocean. There's sand under your feet; its so warm you keep sticking your feet under it to cool off. You have been out of the water for 20 seconds and you already feel the sun drying the water off your skin. Through the tint on your sunglasses you can see everything a little clearer, its so bright out there it hurts when you take them off. Even with them on, you can see the blue of the sky, so rich and layered. It contrasts with the wispy white clouds above you. There's all the background noise that accompanies a busy beach, kids running around, some local beats coming out of really old speakers behind you, the crash of the waves in front of you.
You are quiet. There's nothing to say. Even tho you're not alone, you are both watching life pass you by. Because for those two weeks, that's all you are there to do, one slow day at a time.
Dedicated to JJ. Giving you strength buddy, save up, we'll make it happen.
You are quiet. There's nothing to say. Even tho you're not alone, you are both watching life pass you by. Because for those two weeks, that's all you are there to do, one slow day at a time.
Dedicated to JJ. Giving you strength buddy, save up, we'll make it happen.
A flashback from that emotional night - my side of things
...on Saturday of last weekend we went for lunch and then took a nap. Well, I was exhausted, from the trip and long night and such.... I literally fell asleep in her arms. I couldn't even talk to her anymore. I even said "listen we'll talk about that later, because, I can't think". Then I fell asleep.... She couldn't sleep, so she got up, picked up a book, and read while I was sleeping in her arms....for 3 hours.
A little flashback I just had from talking to a friend about trust issues, and how they play in falling asleep in someone else's bed, and arms.
No trust issues there.
Anyway, why am I posting such a small detail from that night? I felt that post was lacking on actual experiences and feelings and textures --if that makes sense. I wanted it to be more than a play by play.
A little flashback I just had from talking to a friend about trust issues, and how they play in falling asleep in someone else's bed, and arms.
No trust issues there.
Anyway, why am I posting such a small detail from that night? I felt that post was lacking on actual experiences and feelings and textures --if that makes sense. I wanted it to be more than a play by play.
Triangles....
A.G and The Girl. A.G likes me, I like The Girl. The Girl doesn't want either one of us. heh.
One one hand I have A.G telling me he thinks we shared a connection on that fateful night, a connection that makes him think I am what he wants in his life, the answer to that settled person he is looking for. The fact that I am older than him doesn't phase him, instead it encourages him; I am "responsible", and "not superficial" like every other person (specially gay) that he knows.
I have no fucking idea where he's getting that connection from. My decision to sleep with him rates on the top 5 worst mistakes I've made in my life. I have no clue how I managed to get through it, let alone pretend it was okay. I guess I just didn't want him to feel like shit about it. But I honestly was expecting this to stay buried in the book of life, or something. I dealt with it, I accepted it, thats it. I moved on , but it seems he didn't.
He arrived a good two hours after me to the club last night. I had been drinking since very early, which means I was drunk. He on the other hand was sober. I guess that's what got me through the night. As much as I was having fun dancing with him, I was pretending I didn't notice how he was looking at me, and how dancing went from friendly to suggestive. Alcohol helped with that. I figured he was just teasing until the song "Like a Virgin" came up, and he said on what I guess is a sexy tone: "You took that from me".
Did you cringe? I did. Then and now. So I smiled at him, and tried to pass it off as an off hand comment. But he kept pushing. So we ended up sitting down on a semi-quiet corner to talk. And he made his pitch --one I may add that sobered me up pretty quickly.
He says I am a passionate person that needs to be with someone that grounds me. How we're both the same, we both want stability and passion and emotion. And how he needs that stability in his life, so he can focus on what's important: school. He wants to stop pretending its great to fuck without emotions, how he wants someone who would be there for him at night. On top of it all, that it wasn't about gender or penises and vaginas; its personalities he's attracted to.
His rationale for asking, now? That The Girl and I are not casually dating (or whatever) anymore so he doesn't feel guilty. He thinks we're free to build that relationship he wants. He literally said the words: "I want you to be my girlfriend".
I had to take a deep breath. I still didn't want him to feel bad, but I had to be honest. There was just no way we were getting in a relationship. As sweet and passionate as his offer was, I was sitting there next to him, and there was ZERO attraction. None whatsoever. I think he's a great guy but there just isn't anything there for me to even try to consider it. I told him I couldn't give him what he was asking for, specially just getting out of my own long term thing. I also told him that I don't think I can be with men, I am still not sure about that one, but one thing I was sure: I didn't want to sleep with him again.
So there we were, it was 3 am, in a dark club full of people making out in the corners, and I have A.G, a gay younger man, asking me to be his steady girlfriend. And there I was, saying no to him, and thinking only of how I could get to spend that night with The Girl.
He asked me to sleep over his place, and 4 times I declined. I had to lie to him, say that I was working next day, knowing that would complicate things because I wanted to call The Girl and spend Saturday with her. I did by the way, messaged her to ask if she was free. She wasn't so I dropped it. And A.G called again tonight, asking if I wanted to go out. We talked on the phone for a bit, me awkwardly talking about whatever to fill in the gaps of silence. In the end I declined, of course.
This triangle we're in now, makes things interesting. He calls me to spend time with me away from The Girl trying to win me over, while I on the other hand am too ready to txt The Girl and ask if she wants to spend the night with me; while her on the other hand is doing whatever the fuck she wants with both of us. Its like we're all being led on a string, The Girl is leading mine while I'm leading A.G's.
Its a bit fucked up.
Even still, I can sympathize. He just dumped all this on me, the same way I dumped all those things on The Girl. I'm doing to him what The Girl is doing to me. So I can feel for him.
The thing is there's a small tiny bit of a difference: HE'S GAY!
One one hand I have A.G telling me he thinks we shared a connection on that fateful night, a connection that makes him think I am what he wants in his life, the answer to that settled person he is looking for. The fact that I am older than him doesn't phase him, instead it encourages him; I am "responsible", and "not superficial" like every other person (specially gay) that he knows.
I have no fucking idea where he's getting that connection from. My decision to sleep with him rates on the top 5 worst mistakes I've made in my life. I have no clue how I managed to get through it, let alone pretend it was okay. I guess I just didn't want him to feel like shit about it. But I honestly was expecting this to stay buried in the book of life, or something. I dealt with it, I accepted it, thats it. I moved on , but it seems he didn't.
He arrived a good two hours after me to the club last night. I had been drinking since very early, which means I was drunk. He on the other hand was sober. I guess that's what got me through the night. As much as I was having fun dancing with him, I was pretending I didn't notice how he was looking at me, and how dancing went from friendly to suggestive. Alcohol helped with that. I figured he was just teasing until the song "Like a Virgin" came up, and he said on what I guess is a sexy tone: "You took that from me".
Did you cringe? I did. Then and now. So I smiled at him, and tried to pass it off as an off hand comment. But he kept pushing. So we ended up sitting down on a semi-quiet corner to talk. And he made his pitch --one I may add that sobered me up pretty quickly.
He says I am a passionate person that needs to be with someone that grounds me. How we're both the same, we both want stability and passion and emotion. And how he needs that stability in his life, so he can focus on what's important: school. He wants to stop pretending its great to fuck without emotions, how he wants someone who would be there for him at night. On top of it all, that it wasn't about gender or penises and vaginas; its personalities he's attracted to.
His rationale for asking, now? That The Girl and I are not casually dating (or whatever) anymore so he doesn't feel guilty. He thinks we're free to build that relationship he wants. He literally said the words: "I want you to be my girlfriend".
I had to take a deep breath. I still didn't want him to feel bad, but I had to be honest. There was just no way we were getting in a relationship. As sweet and passionate as his offer was, I was sitting there next to him, and there was ZERO attraction. None whatsoever. I think he's a great guy but there just isn't anything there for me to even try to consider it. I told him I couldn't give him what he was asking for, specially just getting out of my own long term thing. I also told him that I don't think I can be with men, I am still not sure about that one, but one thing I was sure: I didn't want to sleep with him again.
So there we were, it was 3 am, in a dark club full of people making out in the corners, and I have A.G, a gay younger man, asking me to be his steady girlfriend. And there I was, saying no to him, and thinking only of how I could get to spend that night with The Girl.
He asked me to sleep over his place, and 4 times I declined. I had to lie to him, say that I was working next day, knowing that would complicate things because I wanted to call The Girl and spend Saturday with her. I did by the way, messaged her to ask if she was free. She wasn't so I dropped it. And A.G called again tonight, asking if I wanted to go out. We talked on the phone for a bit, me awkwardly talking about whatever to fill in the gaps of silence. In the end I declined, of course.
This triangle we're in now, makes things interesting. He calls me to spend time with me away from The Girl trying to win me over, while I on the other hand am too ready to txt The Girl and ask if she wants to spend the night with me; while her on the other hand is doing whatever the fuck she wants with both of us. Its like we're all being led on a string, The Girl is leading mine while I'm leading A.G's.
Its a bit fucked up.
Even still, I can sympathize. He just dumped all this on me, the same way I dumped all those things on The Girl. I'm doing to him what The Girl is doing to me. So I can feel for him.
The thing is there's a small tiny bit of a difference: HE'S GAY!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Do you want to be my girlfriend?
Yeah, A.G just asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. His steady girlfriend.
How fucked up is this?
Of course I said no.
I'm at home, its 3:30 in the morning... and I'm alone. I could have spent it with A.G, but the thought scares me. He's a great guy and a great friend, but not someone I want to sleep with.
Geezus I can't believe he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Anyway, going to bed.
ps: I found out The Girl is really seeing other people. I knew she was, of course, but it sucks when you hear it from someone else.
How fucked up is this?
Of course I said no.
I'm at home, its 3:30 in the morning... and I'm alone. I could have spent it with A.G, but the thought scares me. He's a great guy and a great friend, but not someone I want to sleep with.
Geezus I can't believe he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Anyway, going to bed.
ps: I found out The Girl is really seeing other people. I knew she was, of course, but it sucks when you hear it from someone else.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
In other news
Cones never wrote back about our date. Not sure what I should do about that. I really liked her, I'm not sure why it didn't work out. I didn't really have much chance to feel the rejection, with me being away for a week and this whole drama with The Girl.
I'm getting a roommate. So I'm moving again soon. My new roommate is a relative of the exB. Its not as bad as it sounds though, we know each other well, and her and the exB never talk.
At the bar the other night, I successfully flirted with a guy. I know this is random, but I had really given up hope on men. He was in the table next to ours, so while his friend got up, I was left looking straight at him, so I smiled AND held my eyes on him. He smiled back! It was a good ego-boost. He didn't do anything about it, but, it changed a little bit my thought that I can't see myself with a guy.
And that's it for the night.
I'm getting a roommate. So I'm moving again soon. My new roommate is a relative of the exB. Its not as bad as it sounds though, we know each other well, and her and the exB never talk.
At the bar the other night, I successfully flirted with a guy. I know this is random, but I had really given up hope on men. He was in the table next to ours, so while his friend got up, I was left looking straight at him, so I smiled AND held my eyes on him. He smiled back! It was a good ego-boost. He didn't do anything about it, but, it changed a little bit my thought that I can't see myself with a guy.
And that's it for the night.
My super great idea
I went home after spending 2 nights casually not dating The Girl and revealing my fears and sorrows. It took all of 6 hours to make me realize that I was being a wimp. After mentally slapping myself for divulging too much information and not knowing what else to do, I started to look towards the future.
The way I saw it, The Girl was there when I needed it. I could trust her (who knows why, we're so damn different), and I felt comfortable with her. She didn't freak out at my freak out. There's also the fact that I have the urge to contact her everytime I feel down.
So you know what my great idea was? To turn our relationship from being the booty call that it is, into a... friendship. Of course, I didn't say it like that, instead I sent her a very long email, where I apologized for being so needy, told her I didn't want to be in a romantic/long term relationship with her, and asked her to be my wingman.
Yeah. What a way to dig myself into a hole.
I'm actually so embarrased about the 8 emails we had back and forth that I am not going to talk about it. Let it be enough to say that it went downhill then uphill really quickly. In the end, all I know for sure, is that she definetly enjoys being single, that she'll be my friend regardless, and that we probably will continue having sex. Actually I don't know about the sex.
I talked to her today on chat, and we were okay. She asked me how I was doing. I guess now I'm a head case. But it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it was going to.
Of course I still want to see her, and I still feel like texting her when I'm down. Nothing so far can make me escape reality like she can...
The way I saw it, The Girl was there when I needed it. I could trust her (who knows why, we're so damn different), and I felt comfortable with her. She didn't freak out at my freak out. There's also the fact that I have the urge to contact her everytime I feel down.
So you know what my great idea was? To turn our relationship from being the booty call that it is, into a... friendship. Of course, I didn't say it like that, instead I sent her a very long email, where I apologized for being so needy, told her I didn't want to be in a romantic/long term relationship with her, and asked her to be my wingman.
Yeah. What a way to dig myself into a hole.
I'm actually so embarrased about the 8 emails we had back and forth that I am not going to talk about it. Let it be enough to say that it went downhill then uphill really quickly. In the end, all I know for sure, is that she definetly enjoys being single, that she'll be my friend regardless, and that we probably will continue having sex. Actually I don't know about the sex.
I talked to her today on chat, and we were okay. She asked me how I was doing. I guess now I'm a head case. But it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it was going to.
Of course I still want to see her, and I still feel like texting her when I'm down. Nothing so far can make me escape reality like she can...
Another Emotional Night - Full Post
Lets go back to friday. I had been in City Y the whole week, working really long days, with people I didn't know that well; and as much as I loved City Y, I missed home and my friends. I was set to arrive home around 11 that night, and I guess I should have gone home, instead I delayed my arrival by 2 days.
I was exhausted and I knew I was getting sick, but I had so much energy! So I went to the planned get-together at J's place (an idea I had while in City Y spawned out of slight loneliness). The idea was to play board games and drink, which sounded perfect. But I complicated things a little when I talked to The Girl. I knew she was set to go out with A.G, but I wanted to see her. I double booked myself, knowing I would only get to spend a bit of time with each, instead of quality time with either.
Small sacrifice. I was craving her and I had no idea why, I really wanted to kiss her, and loose myself in that quantum of solace... All that energy I had was disguised, I found out later.
After 3 glasses of wine and many many rounds of laughter the night started to wind down at J's. It wasn't so late, so I texted The Girl to figure out where to meet. The original plan was to meet them at a club; thinking we would dance a bit and each go our own way, but if I was lucky I would spend the night with her (thereby getting lucky.. hah). Instead she replied saying she was on her way home, and exhausted, but that she still wanted to see me.
Side note, that was the first time she agreed to see me, and not the other way around. Usually she sets the time and date, my attempts usually get nicely turned down.
I arrived at her house at 2 in the morning, still wearing the same outfit I had been wearing at 7am in City Y. She on the other hand had just gotten out of the shower, and to my surprise she greeted me with a very comfortable "hello honey" kiss --whereas before we were always tiptoeing around the fact that we only wanted to see each other for sex, wasting time. But anyway, this time we fell into that comfort zone incredibly quickly, to the point where I asked if I could take a shower.
By the time we got to bed it was almost three am, and she was sleepy. So I did the sensible thing, and refused her advances --about 4 times. Yeah, not easy to do. So we talked and talked and talked. That first night it was like it always was, intense and deep and comfortable, but the topics didn't cause her or me to break down. All night and morning we slept, talked, and had sex. Uncomplicated. It was what I was looking for: an escape to that solace. That night there were no deadlines or work, no appointments, responsibilities, even my cellphone was off; the world around us just... wasn't there. It lasted long enough, but hunger got us out of the cocoon we'd created for ourselves.
We met up with A.G for lunch, but when it came time for A.G and I to go home, I sort of... hesitated. I should have gone home, I really should have. But her place was just around the corner and besides working and being by myself I had nothing else to do. I was honest and told her so, that I rather spend the afternoon with her than going home. It was so simple too, I was honest, I looked her in the eye, and she said yes.
We walked back to her place, holding hands, randomly kissing each other on street corners. It was like we were back to casually dating. I didn't think much of it, I just let it be. We planned to walk around for the afternoon, but when we got to her place we both felt tired, so we delayed the walk until we had a nap. Honest to god that's what I did, she on the other hand couldn't sleep so she read a book. But right before I fell asleep, we were talking and she mentioned how she was going home for the summer (4 months). Sleepily I said that it was a long time, but that we would still be friends. she quietly responded almost to no one, what would happen to our relationship in that time.... And I fell asleep.
We woke up a couple of hours later, me a little sicker than I had been Friday, and less energetic. Still, we walked around the city, made plans for dinner, rented a movie, and spent more time together. We didn't talk about our relationship. We got back to her place, had dinner, and watched a movie in bed wrapped around each other.
I should probably mention something I find important. A little shifting on our dynamic. I'm sure its crossed everyone's mind how do roles come into play in a gay relationship. I'm still not completely sure but, in ours, it depends. I don't like to be submissive, but that doesn't make me dominant. She isn't either, so I guess generally we're equal. Specifically, when we sleep, I never let her hug me to her, if that makes sense. Basically, I don't like being in her arms, its too reminiscent of my relationship with the exB. During the last emotional night, I took over the situation, she needed someone to comfort her and make decisions for her, and just be there for whatever. So I was.
This time, maybe because I was sick or because I was sentimental or whatever the reason, our roles shifted a little and I found myself in her arms, honestly enjoying it. It was the kind of support I always got from the exB. The combination of human contact, trust, and comfort makes me feel safe. Unleashing the [me] persona that few people see. Not because I go around hiding it or anything, just because it only comes out with people I can be very intimately (not necessarily sexually) comfortable with and I can trust. That combination is.. deadly, because it makes me dependent. I didn't notice it. I just needed it so badly that I tuned out everything but what I was feeling. And it felt so good to have that back.
Saturday night after the movie we were a bit subdued. I was full blown sick at this point, I couldn't breathe very well and I was tired. She thought something was wrong, even though there wasn't; but I guess my mood was a bit abnormal. We started talking about the movie and my family, my history and how it was to leave home so many years ago. It started innocently enough, telling her stories of living in a different culture, and how I deal with it. But the conversation morphed into how I deal with being alone, away from my family for so long.
She asked and probed until, without me realizing it, she had me on the verge of tears. I was relieving the memories and feelings of so many things, things that normally I can tell without tears. But she got it, the hole, and the loneliness; she just understood what I was feeling.
Suddenly revealing to her what I've been struggling with for months made me so vulnerable. All those talks and conversations we'd had up to that night never included at any point anything about me dealing with any of this shit, and it was something I didn't want her to know. It just goes to prove what she had been saying, that I did want a relationship with her (I still don't). It would have complicated things between us. But she probed and asked some more, until she knew... basically everything. And I was a puddle of mess.
I became needy and emotionally submissive while she became supportive. We didn't talk much after, it was all blurry and emotional. I was feeling so vulnerable and self conscious that the only way I knew how to deal with it was to... become dominant. It was a very one sided evening. And even then, we actually slept most of the night.
The morning after was really quiet. I was sick, had no energy and was... depressed, I couldn't deal with all that had happened. We talked for a bit, but really there was nothing left to say. It wasn't awkward, but I felt embarrassed. So I went home.
She told me at one point during the night that she didn't think she was good for me. She might not be, and it will most likely make things just harder in the future, but it feels so good... I can't let it go.
Note: this was posted without a full read-through. Apologies if some parts make no sense, but I just spent 2 hours writing this.
I was exhausted and I knew I was getting sick, but I had so much energy! So I went to the planned get-together at J's place (an idea I had while in City Y spawned out of slight loneliness). The idea was to play board games and drink, which sounded perfect. But I complicated things a little when I talked to The Girl. I knew she was set to go out with A.G, but I wanted to see her. I double booked myself, knowing I would only get to spend a bit of time with each, instead of quality time with either.
Small sacrifice. I was craving her and I had no idea why, I really wanted to kiss her, and loose myself in that quantum of solace... All that energy I had was disguised, I found out later.
After 3 glasses of wine and many many rounds of laughter the night started to wind down at J's. It wasn't so late, so I texted The Girl to figure out where to meet. The original plan was to meet them at a club; thinking we would dance a bit and each go our own way, but if I was lucky I would spend the night with her (thereby getting lucky.. hah). Instead she replied saying she was on her way home, and exhausted, but that she still wanted to see me.
Side note, that was the first time she agreed to see me, and not the other way around. Usually she sets the time and date, my attempts usually get nicely turned down.
I arrived at her house at 2 in the morning, still wearing the same outfit I had been wearing at 7am in City Y. She on the other hand had just gotten out of the shower, and to my surprise she greeted me with a very comfortable "hello honey" kiss --whereas before we were always tiptoeing around the fact that we only wanted to see each other for sex, wasting time. But anyway, this time we fell into that comfort zone incredibly quickly, to the point where I asked if I could take a shower.
By the time we got to bed it was almost three am, and she was sleepy. So I did the sensible thing, and refused her advances --about 4 times. Yeah, not easy to do. So we talked and talked and talked. That first night it was like it always was, intense and deep and comfortable, but the topics didn't cause her or me to break down. All night and morning we slept, talked, and had sex. Uncomplicated. It was what I was looking for: an escape to that solace. That night there were no deadlines or work, no appointments, responsibilities, even my cellphone was off; the world around us just... wasn't there. It lasted long enough, but hunger got us out of the cocoon we'd created for ourselves.
We met up with A.G for lunch, but when it came time for A.G and I to go home, I sort of... hesitated. I should have gone home, I really should have. But her place was just around the corner and besides working and being by myself I had nothing else to do. I was honest and told her so, that I rather spend the afternoon with her than going home. It was so simple too, I was honest, I looked her in the eye, and she said yes.
We walked back to her place, holding hands, randomly kissing each other on street corners. It was like we were back to casually dating. I didn't think much of it, I just let it be. We planned to walk around for the afternoon, but when we got to her place we both felt tired, so we delayed the walk until we had a nap. Honest to god that's what I did, she on the other hand couldn't sleep so she read a book. But right before I fell asleep, we were talking and she mentioned how she was going home for the summer (4 months). Sleepily I said that it was a long time, but that we would still be friends. she quietly responded almost to no one, what would happen to our relationship in that time.... And I fell asleep.
We woke up a couple of hours later, me a little sicker than I had been Friday, and less energetic. Still, we walked around the city, made plans for dinner, rented a movie, and spent more time together. We didn't talk about our relationship. We got back to her place, had dinner, and watched a movie in bed wrapped around each other.
I should probably mention something I find important. A little shifting on our dynamic. I'm sure its crossed everyone's mind how do roles come into play in a gay relationship. I'm still not completely sure but, in ours, it depends. I don't like to be submissive, but that doesn't make me dominant. She isn't either, so I guess generally we're equal. Specifically, when we sleep, I never let her hug me to her, if that makes sense. Basically, I don't like being in her arms, its too reminiscent of my relationship with the exB. During the last emotional night, I took over the situation, she needed someone to comfort her and make decisions for her, and just be there for whatever. So I was.
This time, maybe because I was sick or because I was sentimental or whatever the reason, our roles shifted a little and I found myself in her arms, honestly enjoying it. It was the kind of support I always got from the exB. The combination of human contact, trust, and comfort makes me feel safe. Unleashing the [me] persona that few people see. Not because I go around hiding it or anything, just because it only comes out with people I can be very intimately (not necessarily sexually) comfortable with and I can trust. That combination is.. deadly, because it makes me dependent. I didn't notice it. I just needed it so badly that I tuned out everything but what I was feeling. And it felt so good to have that back.
Saturday night after the movie we were a bit subdued. I was full blown sick at this point, I couldn't breathe very well and I was tired. She thought something was wrong, even though there wasn't; but I guess my mood was a bit abnormal. We started talking about the movie and my family, my history and how it was to leave home so many years ago. It started innocently enough, telling her stories of living in a different culture, and how I deal with it. But the conversation morphed into how I deal with being alone, away from my family for so long.
She asked and probed until, without me realizing it, she had me on the verge of tears. I was relieving the memories and feelings of so many things, things that normally I can tell without tears. But she got it, the hole, and the loneliness; she just understood what I was feeling.
Suddenly revealing to her what I've been struggling with for months made me so vulnerable. All those talks and conversations we'd had up to that night never included at any point anything about me dealing with any of this shit, and it was something I didn't want her to know. It just goes to prove what she had been saying, that I did want a relationship with her (I still don't). It would have complicated things between us. But she probed and asked some more, until she knew... basically everything. And I was a puddle of mess.
I became needy and emotionally submissive while she became supportive. We didn't talk much after, it was all blurry and emotional. I was feeling so vulnerable and self conscious that the only way I knew how to deal with it was to... become dominant. It was a very one sided evening. And even then, we actually slept most of the night.
The morning after was really quiet. I was sick, had no energy and was... depressed, I couldn't deal with all that had happened. We talked for a bit, but really there was nothing left to say. It wasn't awkward, but I felt embarrassed. So I went home.
She told me at one point during the night that she didn't think she was good for me. She might not be, and it will most likely make things just harder in the future, but it feels so good... I can't let it go.
Note: this was posted without a full read-through. Apologies if some parts make no sense, but I just spent 2 hours writing this.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Another Emotional Night - Intro
I spent 2 nights with The Girl. It was a pretty good until we started talking/analyzing our relationship again. What did we talk about? Well, how I don't have control over anything anymore, how I was feeling pretty lonely and sentimental, how I wanted/want to contact her when I feel like that, and how I can't because she's the one that sets the terms of when we see each other.
My thoughts are a little scattered at the moment, I'm embarrassed and I have a cold. Its not the best time to write.
Will post all of it soon.
My thoughts are a little scattered at the moment, I'm embarrassed and I have a cold. Its not the best time to write.
Will post all of it soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Quantum of Solace
I was talking to a friend recently who seems to be going through something similar than me. We were talking about how I felt, specially that night.
This is what I said...
...and now, cuz of all that loneliness and shit, i swear i think about having the chance to be with her again, in bed, more often than i should. and its that particular situation i want again, not dinners or anything else. just us in bed.
He said that was the"Quamtum of Solace", and this was his definition:
The Quantum of Solace is the idea that describes the smallest space between two people in which love can survive. I dunno... those moments together in bed, when the universe wraps around you and all that exists is the space between, getting ever smaller, ever closer.
I sent him a reply; something I'd been thinking about posting here, but I decided against because I thought it was too personal and might have not been pg13. But I re-read it and I thought it needed to be out there. Its a really really honest expression of how I feel. This is how it goes...
I feel the same.. its like, every excuse I have to see her its just so that we can have those tiny moments of incredible connection.
Geez its crazy how good they feel. When we're in bed, and I can feel all of her, absolutely all of her around me. And I can feel her chest moving when she breathes, and I can smell her perfume. She's so damn soft too. Then you kiss and its like, there's no outside. Literally everything past that small universe disappears. And we're talking softly about something trivial, but it feel so comfortable, there are no issues there, no opposing topics, no problems at that moment. Its just the feeling of them close to you, their smell and the urges you have to bring them closer and to kiss them just a bit longer...
...I like her. Even though I *know* we have absolutely no future together. Its not the same when we're not in bed, and when the world gets its claws in between. When there's work to deal with and her stuff and her issues and my issues. It plainly doesn't work. And I'm not trying to fix those things either.
This is what I said...
...and now, cuz of all that loneliness and shit, i swear i think about having the chance to be with her again, in bed, more often than i should. and its that particular situation i want again, not dinners or anything else. just us in bed.
He said that was the"Quamtum of Solace", and this was his definition:
The Quantum of Solace is the idea that describes the smallest space between two people in which love can survive. I dunno... those moments together in bed, when the universe wraps around you and all that exists is the space between, getting ever smaller, ever closer.
I sent him a reply; something I'd been thinking about posting here, but I decided against because I thought it was too personal and might have not been pg13. But I re-read it and I thought it needed to be out there. Its a really really honest expression of how I feel. This is how it goes...
I feel the same.. its like, every excuse I have to see her its just so that we can have those tiny moments of incredible connection.
Geez its crazy how good they feel. When we're in bed, and I can feel all of her, absolutely all of her around me. And I can feel her chest moving when she breathes, and I can smell her perfume. She's so damn soft too. Then you kiss and its like, there's no outside. Literally everything past that small universe disappears. And we're talking softly about something trivial, but it feel so comfortable, there are no issues there, no opposing topics, no problems at that moment. Its just the feeling of them close to you, their smell and the urges you have to bring them closer and to kiss them just a bit longer...
...I like her. Even though I *know* we have absolutely no future together. Its not the same when we're not in bed, and when the world gets its claws in between. When there's work to deal with and her stuff and her issues and my issues. It plainly doesn't work. And I'm not trying to fix those things either.
Valentines
Quick update. Of course, I've been away for almost a week so nothing has happened. But....
I got a midnight valentines message from The Girl. And that's about it.
Last Saturday I sent her one (I was a little drunk okay?!) saying that I was missing some of those connection moments [remember this was right after this]. And she wrote back not freaked out or anything --which was nice. I did also say that I was going to regret sending the message... I didn't. But I'm embarrassed to admit I did.
That same day, in the morning we were texting while I was boarding the plane. I sent her a message saying I had enjoyed the night before, specially because I could be there for her. She things that I'm fabulous because of that. I think she has no idea what to say, so she reverts to that word.
Meh.
Today, I'm feeling a little jealous. Yeah, bitter one to swallow. The Girl and Cones are both attending the same event tonight, completely coincidental --that I know, but still.
That's pretty much it. I have another update to make, something I wrote to a friend the other day...
I got a midnight valentines message from The Girl. And that's about it.
Last Saturday I sent her one (I was a little drunk okay?!) saying that I was missing some of those connection moments [remember this was right after this]. And she wrote back not freaked out or anything --which was nice. I did also say that I was going to regret sending the message... I didn't. But I'm embarrassed to admit I did.
That same day, in the morning we were texting while I was boarding the plane. I sent her a message saying I had enjoyed the night before, specially because I could be there for her. She things that I'm fabulous because of that. I think she has no idea what to say, so she reverts to that word.
Meh.
Today, I'm feeling a little jealous. Yeah, bitter one to swallow. The Girl and Cones are both attending the same event tonight, completely coincidental --that I know, but still.
That's pretty much it. I have another update to make, something I wrote to a friend the other day...
Monday, February 11, 2008
An Emotional Night.
I've been on the go for 3 days already, which is why I haven't been able to write. But I have to put the experience of friday night down.
I was supposed to see The Girl on friday for an hour or so, the rest of the night I was supposed to spend with other friends out at a club. But the night got complicated, plans fell through, and people bailed out. Which is how I ended up having dinner with The Girl.
I told her that all plans had fallen through and so I had the night to myself, and all I had to do was pack (I had a work related trip the next day). She wanted to come over and help.
I thought that was a pretty good turn of events; specially since that last time I saw her all I ended up was having the equivalent of blue balls. I'm going to be brutally honest, I had been thinking about seeing her again, or rather, I had been fantasizing about her for a few days already, so its safe to say I was pretty excited. I was anticipating a lot of hot sex, but the night tho turned out to be a little different than I thought.
I was in no rush really, so we packed, talked, listened to music, and talked some more. Eventually we ended up in bed, fully clothed. And while things were progressing to the obvious, things got a little... intense.
We went from cool talk to hot dominance in a second. She wasn't letting me participate much. I really didn't mind, specially because she was really putting all her energy into it.
But something about the whole thing ticked me off. We didn't need to rush, it was after all only 9pm. Then there was just something in her behavior, her quietness. It took me a few minutes to realize it, and it was only after I recovered from the assault and tried to reciprocate that I heard something off in her tone of voice. I asked if she was okay. She said no and broke down in the middle of foreplay.
There's litle one can do in that situation except re-assure and/or simply be there for them. Yeah, the timing sucked, but I saw it more as a symbol of trust.
Like I've said before, we do have a crazy connection even if only when we're in bed. And it was that connection, that feeling of intimacy that broke her down. I think even though it took her and me by surprise, she needed to let it out. The thing is, that same feeling freaked her out. She tried to push brush it off and tried to distract me by picking up where had left off, but she couldn't hold it in.
We spent a good hour, just talking. Me reassuring her and offering support; and her getting all her feelings out of her chest. It was all personal to her life, things I don't feel are my place to discuss. I already feel I'm toeing a fine line by mentioning all this.
After a long while she started questioning why she was unloading all that on me, and tried to get back to the reason she'd come over. Once more she tried pick up where we had left off.
I felt the change in her, and I didn't want her to think my offer of comfort came with strings. What are friends for if not to let you unload all your emotional shit when you need it most?
I slowed her down, and told her that she didn't have to do anything if she didn't want to. That we could go to sleep. And that almost pushed her over the edge again. She said she didn't know how to respond to something like that. She thinks people have ulterior motives for everything, so I told her time will prove her wrong, because I didn't.
All I wanted was to spend sometime close to her. I liked the deep conversations, the closeness and intimacy, the physical comfort to that...loneliness I've been plagued with. Of course as long as we don't get into talking about politics or any other theoretical topic; stick to how we feel and our life experiences we actually get along.
She stayed over that night, even tho she didn't want to. She felt too vulnerable. But I managed to steer her clear of her issues and just talk about other things. The next day she saw me off to the airport. Full circle I guess.
I was supposed to see The Girl on friday for an hour or so, the rest of the night I was supposed to spend with other friends out at a club. But the night got complicated, plans fell through, and people bailed out. Which is how I ended up having dinner with The Girl.
I told her that all plans had fallen through and so I had the night to myself, and all I had to do was pack (I had a work related trip the next day). She wanted to come over and help.
I thought that was a pretty good turn of events; specially since that last time I saw her all I ended up was having the equivalent of blue balls. I'm going to be brutally honest, I had been thinking about seeing her again, or rather, I had been fantasizing about her for a few days already, so its safe to say I was pretty excited. I was anticipating a lot of hot sex, but the night tho turned out to be a little different than I thought.
I was in no rush really, so we packed, talked, listened to music, and talked some more. Eventually we ended up in bed, fully clothed. And while things were progressing to the obvious, things got a little... intense.
We went from cool talk to hot dominance in a second. She wasn't letting me participate much. I really didn't mind, specially because she was really putting all her energy into it.
But something about the whole thing ticked me off. We didn't need to rush, it was after all only 9pm. Then there was just something in her behavior, her quietness. It took me a few minutes to realize it, and it was only after I recovered from the assault and tried to reciprocate that I heard something off in her tone of voice. I asked if she was okay. She said no and broke down in the middle of foreplay.
There's litle one can do in that situation except re-assure and/or simply be there for them. Yeah, the timing sucked, but I saw it more as a symbol of trust.
Like I've said before, we do have a crazy connection even if only when we're in bed. And it was that connection, that feeling of intimacy that broke her down. I think even though it took her and me by surprise, she needed to let it out. The thing is, that same feeling freaked her out. She tried to push brush it off and tried to distract me by picking up where had left off, but she couldn't hold it in.
We spent a good hour, just talking. Me reassuring her and offering support; and her getting all her feelings out of her chest. It was all personal to her life, things I don't feel are my place to discuss. I already feel I'm toeing a fine line by mentioning all this.
After a long while she started questioning why she was unloading all that on me, and tried to get back to the reason she'd come over. Once more she tried pick up where we had left off.
I felt the change in her, and I didn't want her to think my offer of comfort came with strings. What are friends for if not to let you unload all your emotional shit when you need it most?
I slowed her down, and told her that she didn't have to do anything if she didn't want to. That we could go to sleep. And that almost pushed her over the edge again. She said she didn't know how to respond to something like that. She thinks people have ulterior motives for everything, so I told her time will prove her wrong, because I didn't.
All I wanted was to spend sometime close to her. I liked the deep conversations, the closeness and intimacy, the physical comfort to that...loneliness I've been plagued with. Of course as long as we don't get into talking about politics or any other theoretical topic; stick to how we feel and our life experiences we actually get along.
She stayed over that night, even tho she didn't want to. She felt too vulnerable. But I managed to steer her clear of her issues and just talk about other things. The next day she saw me off to the airport. Full circle I guess.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
3 day rule
So she said yes. After 3 days.
Seriously, do people follow the 3 day rule anymore?
Although, I'm sort of re-considering the whole date thing. I almost convinced myself she wasn't interested, and the allure and excitement of Saturday night are long gone. I want to ask her because I had a great time with her, but I don't want to ask her if she's gonna put me through this again. My control freakness prevents me from enjoying it. But then again, she was cute.
Either way, now she has to wait, because I'm going away on a business trip for a week.
Seriously, do people follow the 3 day rule anymore?
Although, I'm sort of re-considering the whole date thing. I almost convinced myself she wasn't interested, and the allure and excitement of Saturday night are long gone. I want to ask her because I had a great time with her, but I don't want to ask her if she's gonna put me through this again. My control freakness prevents me from enjoying it. But then again, she was cute.
Either way, now she has to wait, because I'm going away on a business trip for a week.
Rejection...
So there's still amusement, but now its covered with doubt, and wrapped in self confidence issues. I guess those are all the ingredients for rejection.
Part of me is rolling her eyes and thinking "suck it up and learn" and another part is thinking "maybe you could've done something different". But as you already know, I hate second guessing myself, I rather just suck it up.
Thing is... my good spirits too a left turn last night while I was sleeping, and got lost. Because today, while I am in a good mood, I'm not feeling buoyant and/or excited about anything.
Although I can probably partly blame it on the on-going nightmares I've been having for the last week or so and the lack of sleep I'm getting. Suddenly waking up because you think you have a giant spider is on your face is not fun. I even had to leave the night light on.
Anyway, un-related (or maybe it is). Last night I was in bed reading a book I'd read while I was with the exB and I could have sworn I felt him. THe same feeling I used to have when we were together, and I was in bed reading; that he was in the apartment and he would come in through the door anytime. Its that kind of feeling that its hard to get used to. I mean it came out of nowhere, and I was so sure he was here. Not like a spiritual thing or anything, more like my body/mind are used to having him there, and suddenly it was like flashback!
Part of me is rolling her eyes and thinking "suck it up and learn" and another part is thinking "maybe you could've done something different". But as you already know, I hate second guessing myself, I rather just suck it up.
Thing is... my good spirits too a left turn last night while I was sleeping, and got lost. Because today, while I am in a good mood, I'm not feeling buoyant and/or excited about anything.
Although I can probably partly blame it on the on-going nightmares I've been having for the last week or so and the lack of sleep I'm getting. Suddenly waking up because you think you have a giant spider is on your face is not fun. I even had to leave the night light on.
Anyway, un-related (or maybe it is). Last night I was in bed reading a book I'd read while I was with the exB and I could have sworn I felt him. THe same feeling I used to have when we were together, and I was in bed reading; that he was in the apartment and he would come in through the door anytime. Its that kind of feeling that its hard to get used to. I mean it came out of nowhere, and I was so sure he was here. Not like a spiritual thing or anything, more like my body/mind are used to having him there, and suddenly it was like flashback!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
No Answer
Well so much for that. You'd think I would have heard by now if she wants to go out with me or not.
I'm actually amused because if I'm right.... I just got blown off.
heh.
I'm actually amused because if I'm right.... I just got blown off.
heh.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Jumping the boat
So I just had to ask. No skirting around the issue, no meaningless convos. Like Fer said, I just had to go for it!
So I sent her a simple one line: "Do you want to have dinner with me".
I think its a little conventional and traditional... but I kinda like that. I'm slightly intimidated though, probably because you know, the possibility of rejection. But if she does say yes... my mind is blank. I haven't thought that far.
So I sent her a simple one line: "Do you want to have dinner with me".
I think its a little conventional and traditional... but I kinda like that. I'm slightly intimidated though, probably because you know, the possibility of rejection. But if she does say yes... my mind is blank. I haven't thought that far.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Asking someone out
The ExGirl and I are okay with just being friends with benefits. And while thats all great an awesome, right now I'm more curious about Cones and whether Saturday night was all one-sided.
So far nothing has happened. I sent her a message yesterday saying how great it was to talk to her on Saturday. No reply back so far. Fer is doing some research for me and trying to find out if she has a girlfriend. But we haven't heard anything back.
Although one encouraging sign was that Fer found out that Saturday night Cones delayed her entire group because she didn't want to leave --and I did spend the last 2 hours of the party within close proximity of her, and the last hour talking to her alone.
So really all I want to know is if she's available, to ask her out. But I'm not good at having small but meaningless conversations that supposedly set the tone. I think I rather know right away if she wants to do this or not. Rejection in one shot is easier taken than if I spend time trying to get her to talk to me to be shot down at the end.
Oh good news. Fer heard that Cones is NOT seeing anybody and that she was interested.. yay.
So far nothing has happened. I sent her a message yesterday saying how great it was to talk to her on Saturday. No reply back so far. Fer is doing some research for me and trying to find out if she has a girlfriend. But we haven't heard anything back.
Although one encouraging sign was that Fer found out that Saturday night Cones delayed her entire group because she didn't want to leave --and I did spend the last 2 hours of the party within close proximity of her, and the last hour talking to her alone.
So really all I want to know is if she's available, to ask her out. But I'm not good at having small but meaningless conversations that supposedly set the tone. I think I rather know right away if she wants to do this or not. Rejection in one shot is easier taken than if I spend time trying to get her to talk to me to be shot down at the end.
Oh good news. Fer heard that Cones is NOT seeing anybody and that she was interested.. yay.
Simplifying a complicated situation.
Sunday morning after I saw the picture of The ExGirl and Cones, I wrote The ExGirl an email. It was light-hearted and funny in tone, but subtly inquisitive. I poked fun at the fact that I met someone in the last place I imagined I would, and that we hit it off pretty well.
The ExGirl didnt reply until later that night. I wasn't sure what her response was going to be, but then again, that was another reason I sent the email. Our relationship is 'undefined', I mean clearly there is no romantic possibilities, but I want to continue the physical aspect of our relationship --at least while I'm single. So I was curious about her her response, it would probably set the tone.
The ensuing conversations were interesting to say the least.
Her first reply was clear: they just met randomly, but nothing happened between them. Although A.G tried to set them up, it never happened. She did have a one night stand with one of her friends. Another friend of Cones tried hitting on her, but it turned sort of ugly apparently.
But to my surprise, she wanted to know if I liked Cones because, I quote "she was beautiful". Honesty, that makes me feel a little uncomfortable, and told her so. I didn't want to disrespect her or insult her. The way I see it, I can have a no strings attached relationship with someone but it doesn't mean I get to be mean by rubbing it in their face.
She said she wasn't insulted. And that unless I was comparing them (at sex no less) she wouldn't get insulted neither. However, she was a tiny bit jealous. And she was a little unsure how our friendship would do if someone else got introduced into the picture.
She seemed a bit unsure, like me really, in her response. We both really had no idea how to go about making sure we were both okay and we were both happy with the situation. But I was also confused on top of everything else. First of all, jealous?!
So I called her, and actually talked talked for 2 hours, and I'm not rounding that number up, the actual time was 1:59. I hadn't done that since I was in high school. haha. Our conversation was at times hesitant, and funny, and confusing. But the entire time, it was completely honest.
One thing I wanted to make sure was clear was that I wanted to continue seeing her, but that was not easy to say. How do you frame that sentence really? "Hey I don't care if we're friends or not, lets keep having sex?" Right. So we skirted around the issue for a bit. We clarified, again, that neither one of us wanted a relationship, because a) we had nothing in common, b) we didn't want to be committed to someone, c) we wanted different things in life. And that yes, for the uptheenth time, I am okay with that.
As a side note, she just doesn't really accept that I'm okay with it. She seems to relate being nice and caring for someone with a relationship commitment. She's always expecting people to be indifferent and/or mean to her. I'm neither. That confuses her.
But anyway, I told her once more that it was fine. But that I really liked the physical part of our relationship, that being the one thing we connect perfectly with. I didn't want to loose that. I for one I'm capable of compartmentalizing things, I can be her friend, and her sex-buddy, without complicating it. But can we talk about potential dates with each other? Should we not "see" each other while we are with someone else?
There were a million questions I had, and we talked them all out. Bottom line was, out of respect for the other person, we shouldn't see each other if you're "doing" someone else. And that it was okay to talk to each other about it.
I needed those boundaries and lines, but it took us 2 hours to define them. And yes, I am a control freak.
The one thing the entire conversation made me realize was that I had no clear reason for wanting to hit on Cones. After all, I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with someone, so what am I doing? If I want sex, I can get that with The ExGirl (not very often mind you --if these last weeks are any indication). I know that I can't be in a relationship. Like J said, I'm just not ready, and if I meet that one person that could be my next "it", I'm going to be in an unavailable state. But I want to date. And I want to date for completely selfish reasons.
I am discovering how much fun is to meet someone and flirt with them. Wondering if you could ask them out. Trying to interpret that seemingly random touch. Putting that extra bit of attention, surprising a smile out of them. I even enjoy the 10 minutes it takes me write twosentence message. Even the nervousness that it causes me.
But more than that, I have to know. I have to know if I what I feel with The ExGirl was just curiosity, or a one time thing, or just adventure... I have to know if its like this with everyone. That I can be totally into them. That I can love how they smell and feel. That I can enjoy sex and not feel guilty about it. To not regret it. Seems my bad experiences with men so far have outnumbered the good ones. I want to know if with girls it can be the opposite.
Sounds crazy, but I really want to know if this lifestyle is really for me or if I'm just too stupid to realize _______ (enter whatever it is that has caused me to like girls all of the sudden).
So what started as a possibly complicated situation ended in a very simple one. I get to go on dates. I get to keep my sex friend too. I'm not going to complain.
The ExGirl didnt reply until later that night. I wasn't sure what her response was going to be, but then again, that was another reason I sent the email. Our relationship is 'undefined', I mean clearly there is no romantic possibilities, but I want to continue the physical aspect of our relationship --at least while I'm single. So I was curious about her her response, it would probably set the tone.
The ensuing conversations were interesting to say the least.
Her first reply was clear: they just met randomly, but nothing happened between them. Although A.G tried to set them up, it never happened. She did have a one night stand with one of her friends. Another friend of Cones tried hitting on her, but it turned sort of ugly apparently.
But to my surprise, she wanted to know if I liked Cones because, I quote "she was beautiful". Honesty, that makes me feel a little uncomfortable, and told her so. I didn't want to disrespect her or insult her. The way I see it, I can have a no strings attached relationship with someone but it doesn't mean I get to be mean by rubbing it in their face.
She said she wasn't insulted. And that unless I was comparing them (at sex no less) she wouldn't get insulted neither. However, she was a tiny bit jealous. And she was a little unsure how our friendship would do if someone else got introduced into the picture.
She seemed a bit unsure, like me really, in her response. We both really had no idea how to go about making sure we were both okay and we were both happy with the situation. But I was also confused on top of everything else. First of all, jealous?!
So I called her, and actually talked talked for 2 hours, and I'm not rounding that number up, the actual time was 1:59. I hadn't done that since I was in high school. haha. Our conversation was at times hesitant, and funny, and confusing. But the entire time, it was completely honest.
One thing I wanted to make sure was clear was that I wanted to continue seeing her, but that was not easy to say. How do you frame that sentence really? "Hey I don't care if we're friends or not, lets keep having sex?" Right. So we skirted around the issue for a bit. We clarified, again, that neither one of us wanted a relationship, because a) we had nothing in common, b) we didn't want to be committed to someone, c) we wanted different things in life. And that yes, for the uptheenth time, I am okay with that.
As a side note, she just doesn't really accept that I'm okay with it. She seems to relate being nice and caring for someone with a relationship commitment. She's always expecting people to be indifferent and/or mean to her. I'm neither. That confuses her.
But anyway, I told her once more that it was fine. But that I really liked the physical part of our relationship, that being the one thing we connect perfectly with. I didn't want to loose that. I for one I'm capable of compartmentalizing things, I can be her friend, and her sex-buddy, without complicating it. But can we talk about potential dates with each other? Should we not "see" each other while we are with someone else?
There were a million questions I had, and we talked them all out. Bottom line was, out of respect for the other person, we shouldn't see each other if you're "doing" someone else. And that it was okay to talk to each other about it.
I needed those boundaries and lines, but it took us 2 hours to define them. And yes, I am a control freak.
The one thing the entire conversation made me realize was that I had no clear reason for wanting to hit on Cones. After all, I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with someone, so what am I doing? If I want sex, I can get that with The ExGirl (not very often mind you --if these last weeks are any indication). I know that I can't be in a relationship. Like J said, I'm just not ready, and if I meet that one person that could be my next "it", I'm going to be in an unavailable state. But I want to date. And I want to date for completely selfish reasons.
I am discovering how much fun is to meet someone and flirt with them. Wondering if you could ask them out. Trying to interpret that seemingly random touch. Putting that extra bit of attention, surprising a smile out of them. I even enjoy the 10 minutes it takes me write twosentence message. Even the nervousness that it causes me.
But more than that, I have to know. I have to know if I what I feel with The ExGirl was just curiosity, or a one time thing, or just adventure... I have to know if its like this with everyone. That I can be totally into them. That I can love how they smell and feel. That I can enjoy sex and not feel guilty about it. To not regret it. Seems my bad experiences with men so far have outnumbered the good ones. I want to know if with girls it can be the opposite.
Sounds crazy, but I really want to know if this lifestyle is really for me or if I'm just too stupid to realize _______ (enter whatever it is that has caused me to like girls all of the sudden).
So what started as a possibly complicated situation ended in a very simple one. I get to go on dates. I get to keep my sex friend too. I'm not going to complain.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Costume Party!
Last night was the annual costume bash for one of my best friends, Fer. Its usually full of culturally diverse people from all corners of the world dressed in funny costumes dancing to music they've probably never heard of in their lives. After the dullness and boredom of the last few days this was one party I was definitely looking forward to.
This year was the first time I've gone to it single. There's a lot of history between us and Fer's family, they've known me and the exB as a couple. They've known the both of us for almost the same amount of time. So its safe to say, they're like family. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.
But first, be warned, there are a few 'backtracks' in this post. There's a lot of information I haven't given before, and it all sort of comes together in the end.
First lets start with my costume. I had to borrow from The ExGirl to complete my outfit. We talked briefly during the week, but nothing relevant happened, except on one occasion I subtly asked if she wanted to get together, but she couldn't, and she wasn't going to be able to for a while yet because she had to study. Then friday night came around and I was bored, so I asked if she wanted to go for dinner. Again, she couldn't, so I took the hint. Saturday morning she messaged me, asking what I was doing and subtly (or not), she asked if I wanted to go for dinner.
I went, knowing I had an hour or so max. And it was strictly platonic, until she started fidgeting. That's what she does when she's trying to do something, but not sure how to go about it. She became more touchy when talking, and when I sat in her couch and she immediately went to sit down in front of me. I knew she wanted to kiss me, but she wanted me to do it. I didn't. I'm too proud for that, she turned me down once already, and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Sounds mean, but its more of a self-preservation issue.
But anyway, my self-preservation didn't last long. Because she ended up kissing me when I hugged her goodbye. I kissed her back of course, my pride doesn't seem to get in the way when it comes to this. She is though, the best kisser I've had. I have never had the feeling that I'm drowning in the sensations, until I met her. But I digress. Nothing else happened. I left her house and made my way to the party --in the much needed cold.
Fast forward a couple of hours, and I am in costume (my favorite one so far!). I'm mingling around, talking to friends I haven't talked to in a while, meeting new ones... and then, the exB walks in, with a lady friend and some guy.
A week or so ago I get a message from him, totally out of the blue, asking me if it would be okay with Fer if he brought friends to the party. Its an open party, so really, he can bring whoever he wants; but the fact that he was bringing someone... so soon? Bold move. But anyway, I'm not sure why he asked me, I think he wanted to make sure I was okay with it. We talked for a bit, I assured him I was okay with it. I didn't tell him that I felt a knee-jerk reaction when I first heard about it though; I think it was a shock more than anything else. I had no idea who he was bringing, but I all those years with him gave me some insight; he is not the kind of guy to flaunt a date and/or girlfriend.
But he did bring the girl he's been flirting with. She is the girl he considered dating (this I know because he told me), but decided against. Besides the fact that it was a tiny bit weird to meet her, I was my usual friendly self I am proud to say. There was no sudden jealousy, no feeling of hate or rage. That I am happy about. Even when she bounced her boobs all over the place in front of him and got him to dance (gasp!).
But anyway, back to the party and to the part that I am excited about: Fer introducing me to Cones (yes its another made up name, it has to do with her costume), a lesbian. A hot/cute lesbian, brunette this time.
See a week or so ago, at the same time I find out about the exB's guests, Fer has this amazing idea of setting me up with someone. Turns out I already knew this someone from previous parties. I never imagined she was gay, and for that matter that I was, too. Last time I had seen her the exB and I were at the party together, so really, my gaydar was dysfunctional.
So I knew about Cones, but I barely crossed words with her before. Fer though, she thought we would hit it off. I wasn't so sure. For one thing, the exB sitting 5 feet away from me while I flirt was a tad weird. Second, I don't think she even guessed I was gay (or bisexual or whatever). I am sort of "out" there, but I don't flaunt it. In spite of those things though, I went for it. I happened to end up talking with her and her friends the most, coincidentally sat next to her whenever she was slightly alone, dragged her to dance a few times, and you know put in that extra effort. She must have assumed/guessed about where my interest was because we exchanged facebook info at the end of the night. And at 4 in the morning we exchanged messages. According to Fer and her conversation with other people, she thinks we hit it off. I.. tend to agree.
Here's where the story turns and very strange. I went on facebook today, and do the usual profile snooping on Cones. I'm flipping through her pictures when I come to one that was taken in a familiar gay bar with Cones at a table with other girls. And one of the girls sitting there: The Ex Girl. Yeah. So I guess they're 'acquaintances'. Because sure enough, they both show up on the mutual friend's list.
Oh and also, to top the night off, there was an 'incident' with the exB's friends. An incident I'm not going to get into because it doesn't bother me, but its enough to say that it probably didn't make the exB happy. Fer seems to think the exB likes the drama... I'm inclined to agree with her.
Anyway, I'm running out of batteries. I have to stop here. I'm going to message Cones and see where it leads. Not getting my hopes up too much, it might have been completely a one sided attraction.
This year was the first time I've gone to it single. There's a lot of history between us and Fer's family, they've known me and the exB as a couple. They've known the both of us for almost the same amount of time. So its safe to say, they're like family. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.
But first, be warned, there are a few 'backtracks' in this post. There's a lot of information I haven't given before, and it all sort of comes together in the end.
First lets start with my costume. I had to borrow from The ExGirl to complete my outfit. We talked briefly during the week, but nothing relevant happened, except on one occasion I subtly asked if she wanted to get together, but she couldn't, and she wasn't going to be able to for a while yet because she had to study. Then friday night came around and I was bored, so I asked if she wanted to go for dinner. Again, she couldn't, so I took the hint. Saturday morning she messaged me, asking what I was doing and subtly (or not), she asked if I wanted to go for dinner.
I went, knowing I had an hour or so max. And it was strictly platonic, until she started fidgeting. That's what she does when she's trying to do something, but not sure how to go about it. She became more touchy when talking, and when I sat in her couch and she immediately went to sit down in front of me. I knew she wanted to kiss me, but she wanted me to do it. I didn't. I'm too proud for that, she turned me down once already, and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Sounds mean, but its more of a self-preservation issue.
But anyway, my self-preservation didn't last long. Because she ended up kissing me when I hugged her goodbye. I kissed her back of course, my pride doesn't seem to get in the way when it comes to this. She is though, the best kisser I've had. I have never had the feeling that I'm drowning in the sensations, until I met her. But I digress. Nothing else happened. I left her house and made my way to the party --in the much needed cold.
Fast forward a couple of hours, and I am in costume (my favorite one so far!). I'm mingling around, talking to friends I haven't talked to in a while, meeting new ones... and then, the exB walks in, with a lady friend and some guy.
A week or so ago I get a message from him, totally out of the blue, asking me if it would be okay with Fer if he brought friends to the party. Its an open party, so really, he can bring whoever he wants; but the fact that he was bringing someone... so soon? Bold move. But anyway, I'm not sure why he asked me, I think he wanted to make sure I was okay with it. We talked for a bit, I assured him I was okay with it. I didn't tell him that I felt a knee-jerk reaction when I first heard about it though; I think it was a shock more than anything else. I had no idea who he was bringing, but I all those years with him gave me some insight; he is not the kind of guy to flaunt a date and/or girlfriend.
But he did bring the girl he's been flirting with. She is the girl he considered dating (this I know because he told me), but decided against. Besides the fact that it was a tiny bit weird to meet her, I was my usual friendly self I am proud to say. There was no sudden jealousy, no feeling of hate or rage. That I am happy about. Even when she bounced her boobs all over the place in front of him and got him to dance (gasp!).
But anyway, back to the party and to the part that I am excited about: Fer introducing me to Cones (yes its another made up name, it has to do with her costume), a lesbian. A hot/cute lesbian, brunette this time.
See a week or so ago, at the same time I find out about the exB's guests, Fer has this amazing idea of setting me up with someone. Turns out I already knew this someone from previous parties. I never imagined she was gay, and for that matter that I was, too. Last time I had seen her the exB and I were at the party together, so really, my gaydar was dysfunctional.
So I knew about Cones, but I barely crossed words with her before. Fer though, she thought we would hit it off. I wasn't so sure. For one thing, the exB sitting 5 feet away from me while I flirt was a tad weird. Second, I don't think she even guessed I was gay (or bisexual or whatever). I am sort of "out" there, but I don't flaunt it. In spite of those things though, I went for it. I happened to end up talking with her and her friends the most, coincidentally sat next to her whenever she was slightly alone, dragged her to dance a few times, and you know put in that extra effort. She must have assumed/guessed about where my interest was because we exchanged facebook info at the end of the night. And at 4 in the morning we exchanged messages. According to Fer and her conversation with other people, she thinks we hit it off. I.. tend to agree.
Here's where the story turns and very strange. I went on facebook today, and do the usual profile snooping on Cones. I'm flipping through her pictures when I come to one that was taken in a familiar gay bar with Cones at a table with other girls. And one of the girls sitting there: The Ex Girl. Yeah. So I guess they're 'acquaintances'. Because sure enough, they both show up on the mutual friend's list.
Oh and also, to top the night off, there was an 'incident' with the exB's friends. An incident I'm not going to get into because it doesn't bother me, but its enough to say that it probably didn't make the exB happy. Fer seems to think the exB likes the drama... I'm inclined to agree with her.
Anyway, I'm running out of batteries. I have to stop here. I'm going to message Cones and see where it leads. Not getting my hopes up too much, it might have been completely a one sided attraction.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Boredom
I am set to go out tonight. I'm dressed, its friday, I get paid today.
The only tiny little thing, besides the huge freak storm that is covering the city right now, is that... I have about this -->| |<-- much motivation to go out.
I am actually super bored, and the idea of going out doesn't give me the tingly feeling it usually does. I just want to go home and wallow. And the more I don't want to go out, the more I want to call The Ex-Girl...
Damn.
The only tiny little thing, besides the huge freak storm that is covering the city right now, is that... I have about this -->| |<-- much motivation to go out.
I am actually super bored, and the idea of going out doesn't give me the tingly feeling it usually does. I just want to go home and wallow. And the more I don't want to go out, the more I want to call The Ex-Girl...
Damn.
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