The Girl & Me

Completely out of the blue The Girl tells me she got a week off work, and because she's been so moody she decided to fly back here. Then she asked me if she could stay with me.

...
..
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And I said yes.

Did that have the same feeling as a marriage proposal? because I thought so. Yesterday I spent the day nervous and unsure of what I felt. I only had a couple of hours to process the fact that The Girl was going to stay with me for 5 days!!! We've never spent that much time together before. Plus, given these thoughts, I wasn't ready to have her come here and be my girlfriend.

For months all I wanted was for her to give in, just a tiny bit. I used to crave her, I would drop anything to be with her. I didn't realize my feelings had changed so much until yesterday when we were in bed. I feel all I did was pretend I felt more than what I actually felt. I am having a hard time looking at her in the eyes. That's how weird it was.

Today she told me she's afraid she fucked things up between us because of all those walls she put up when we first met: no monogamy, no relationship, no I can't see you more than once a week, no I can't text you all that much. Now, she likes me, she rather be with me than with any other random girl, she rather spend hours on the phone with me than doing other things. She even said she was becoming a bit possessive, not of me having sex with other people, but of me leaving her.

I could tell she was scared of what she was feeling, and all I said was, "I won't leave you, just let me think about this." Not the answer she was hoping for I think, also a part of me feels I put my foot in my mouth by saying "I won't leave you". Ugh.

I hate feeling like this. I wanted it all to be amazing again. I wanted my knees to fucking tremble. Instead I'm a bit pissed that I had to cancel a bunch of get-togethers and dates this week. Its Queer Week! I had planned a week of debauchery and craziness, not sweet lovemaking and emotional conversations!!!

Huh.

So thats how I feel about it. I've been holding all this in.

Am I feeling just overwhelmed? Did I move on? I don't know.

Now I feel I have this responsibility on my hands. She's always been terrified of liking people too much because they always leave her. How can I do this to her?