The Girl being girlfriendly

The Girl has gone home. So now that I'm back, she left. It'll be almost 4 months before I see her again.

She's been home two days, and already I've gotten 6 emails, we've chatted online and last night had an amazing conversation on the phone. She becomes someone else when she's there, and she gets clingy and needy with me; just like she did in december. She has a hard time adjusting to life in her city, the expectation that she'll be the same as when she left a year ago, showing that you've grown up, that you're not the same. She uses me as her link or thread to the lifestyle she likes, the life she leads while here in city X.

I like it. I like being there for her, helping her keep her afloat. Even though I know she's like that because there's a safety net: distance. And now that she's reverted back to her girlfriend-ly like behavior, I now know what to expect when she gets back. I know she'll push me away if I push her, she'll freak out if she gets the smallest suspicion we're in a relationship. But for the time being, she feels comfortable with herself and us.

Last night I got an unexpected call from her. I thought she would call this weekend, but she couldn't wait anymore and called me a few days earlier. I couldn't talk to her, I was busy so I told her to call me around midnight. I thought she would be asleep, but she called; and the most amazing part is that we talked for 5 hours and 3 seconds, exactly. Five hours, five!.

It was nice, and it was comfortable. We talked about my trip, her last month here in city X, seeing family, leaving, going back home; about friendships, about relationships, dating, love, sex, us... there was a lot of talking about us; I told her more about Bree, I told her about the pool sex, about being confused on my sexuality; that I was happy to be home, that I wished she hadn't left for the whole summer.

She said she missed me. She said she wished I could be there with her.

From all we talked about, the conversation about love surprised me the most. She told me that she had a conversation with someone about it, and they said love was about being passionate and being crazy, that it caused a lot of jealousy; when she responded that she didn't feel jealousy towards any of the people she loved, they told her maybe she didn't love them enough. She was baffled by that. I told her about my experience with the exB, how I loved him, and it wasnt all about being passionate and crazy, and that I definetly had zero jelousy. I told her I felt secure in my relationship with him, his commitment for me, so I didn't feel possessive. I knew he could flirt, and he could look, but at the end of the day, he's coming to me for the important things.

Then she told me her response towards them: that she didn't think love was about monogamy or being crazy and passionate, that it was about kindness, and patience, and being there even in the bad times, about respects and trust. I don't want to read more into the conversation, but she kinda implied me in the definition. She couldn't believe it had been 6 months since we met, but that she was glad we had, because she'd learned a lot with me. Of course that's an understatement with me. If it wasn't for The Girl, I would be different and none of this would have happened, and I'm happy it has. I told her she was a lot of firsts for me, and to my surprise she said the same about me. But it all scares her. I know she would get really freaked out by it all if she'd been here, but because there's distance between us, she felt safe.

We couldn't hang up. She was supposed to be up early for something, but ended up canceling it, because she wasn't getting any sleep. And still she wouldn't let go. We were quiet for a bit, listening to each other breathe, softly started talking about how it would be had we been in bed together. Tentatively we let loose a bit more and more and fantasized about what we would do. Our breathing changed, the conversation changed, I could hear her like she was next to me.

And there was another first: phone sex. It was intense, and amazing, and crazy. It was amazing the things we said to each other. A long while later, she gave me another first: an orgasm. We were both exhausted, and shaking. It was daylight in my window. I felt amazing. We were both smiling... we could feel it, that quantum of solace, even when she's thousands of miles away. Still we didn't want to hang up, even though we knew we would talk tonight. There was even a brief discussion about who would hang up first.

I'm shaking my head at the absurdity of it, but I'm enjoying the now of it. Whatever happens later, happens. Like she told me last night, "I just like you, a lot". I like you a lot too.