Stuck Part 2

Its Friday around 6pm by the time I'm on my own. I've lost the high, and I'm mentally exhausted. I spent a good portion of my afternoon with Bree on mostly fake enthusiasm. I wanted it to be good so badly, I wanted it to work so much, that I think I put too high expectations on us.

I was sad and disappointed and confused. I couldn't understand why something so good had to end on a 'okay' rather than on a 'incredibly amazing'. Why I kept comparing me and us and the experience to all I've gone through with The Girl. Why after 5 months of being sort of in a relationship with her, knowing she'll be gone for a really long time, why I couldn't move on.

And that its the crux of it all.

Bree has everything in her favour. She's gorgeous, she's my type, we get along (if superficially), she is more mature, she is on a similar life level as me, she's going to be physically in the same city, and she's could probably give me a traditional stable relationship: dating, seeing each other once in a while, meeting each other's friends.

The Girl on the other hand... has almost nothing going for her, though she is also gorgeous. But her personality is very unique and unconventional, she's in university, she's into broad 'save-the-world' topics, she's not materialistic, she has a strange sense of humor, we don't believe in the same things, we don't laugh at the same things, what I'm into is not what she's into, she likes her personal space, she's quirky, and weird. She doesn't do monogamy, she doesn't trust anyone, she's afraid of commitments. She's going to be away for 5 months.

So why is it that half hour after I left Bree, all I could think about was talking to The Girl? I felt so guilty, but I called her anyway. I thought she was busy, and she was, but she agreed to see me. Though that has probably to do with the fact that I wasn't my usual chirpy self. I was going through one of my mellow moods, similar to the last time I saw her.

So we went for dinner, and just killed time. It was unusually quiet, and one sided. I just didn't have any urge to talk, or say much, so I just listened. But even when we're both quiet, its okay.

I wanted to go somewhere isolated and nice to talk, and instead of finding another bench, we ended up at her house. There was a this palpable minute gap between us, we were holding back. I knew I was because I felt guilty, I'm not sure why she was, though I think it was for my sake. I sat on a chair, she sat on her bed; for 5 minutes all we did was wallow in the quiet. I couldn't bring myself to talk that far away from her, or with the light on, so I moved to the bed next to her. She didn't mind, even though that gap was still there.

Our conversation started on fits and bits. It was weird for me to tell her about what I've been doing with other girls. I wasn't sure how she would take it, though something inside me knew she would be okay with it. But once I got going, everything came out. I told her about Shells, about Bree. My fears, my guilt, my excitement, nervousness, expectations and disappointments.

And how it all comes down to us. What we have, what we're doing, and how it fits in our lives.

She had something beautiful to say about us. The day we sat on that bench for all that time, she said that there was something deep inside her that connected with something in me. Not much was said that day, but she felt like those two things were talking to each other, like they understood one another.

And thinking back, I couldn't explain what it was about it that made me feel so content and happy and relaxed. But her words were perfect, because that's exactly what it felt like. That's what it feels like when we're together sometimes. The night we kissed and my knees trembled was exactly that feeling but condensed into one single sharp point.

I can't explain why that makes so much sense. I told her that was perfect but insane, because we had so little in common and we were so different. But she responded with: "maybe we're not as different as you think".

So we relieved some of our most powerful memories. I told her of that night we kissed in the rain, the first time I kissed her under no alcohol influence. How powerful it was. She told me that the second time we slept together, she felt I was almost robbing her of her secrets. Then there was that last time we had sex 3 weeks ago, where she apparently had the most amazing and intense sexual experience so far. I know that with us, it was.

Now that I think about it, that's maybe why we haven't done it since. She's scared... wow. Have to figure that one out later.

Anyway, the whole time we laid next to each other, holding hands. She had her fingers in my hair, I had my fingers on her face. It was so absurdly good. I used to think those feeling were my reaction to my first time with a girl. I told her so, but she also feels it and it has nothing to do with first times.

In all the time we've spent 'together', this was the first she acknowledged that there was a relationship between us. Its complicated, and it makes no sense, but we have one. Its not the kind where you pledge fidelity, or where you commit, its the kind where you can feel comfortable enough to just be.

She's scared of trusting. She's scared of making the wrong decisions. She said that people keep telling her she just has to meet the right person, but she doesn't think that's right; because what if I was the right person and she just can't follow societies traditional rules? Funny enough, I know that if she were to succumb to societies rules, she wouldn't be happy. We talked about relationships, and what they are for each of us.

She's happy with what we have she said, even if she doesn't know if its the right thing. Heh, she also blatantly told me to not stop seeing her even if things with Bree progress, or if 6 months go by. I told her I understood her relationship quirks, and that I didn't want to stop seeing her.

We hit this point in our conversation where there was not much else to say. We were both thinking about all that had been said. She was laying almost on top of me, her head on my shoulder. She was warm, and soft, and smelled so damn good; the most natural thing was for me to hug her. And I felt something settle inside me; that thing she was talking about was having a field day because they were in perfect understanding, while The Girl and I were left to figure out what the fuck it all means.

We got a bit carried away in that comfort and were about to kiss, but she stopped feeling the gap gone, and our situation unsolved. All I knew (then and now) is that I don't want to stop seeing her, and I told her so. Of course, I didn't want to leave her place either. I asked if I could stay, with the promise of no sex, since that was honestly the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was the closeness. We kissed slowly, without end goal and fell asleep in each other's arms, breathing the same air. It was 10pm, and we didn't have sex that night or next morning.

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Wow. Writing this doesn't alleviate the feelings like it normally does. I guess the biggest question is, would I be happy with what she has offered so far? I don't know. I think I need even a small form of commitment of trust. I wouldn't ask fidelity or traditionalism, but I would ask for her trust, and she doesn't give that.