Totally NSA!!!

Okaaaaaaaay. So its definetly a no-strings-attached thing. We're both on the same page on this.

After talking for quite a while and tiptoeing around the issue, we both realized we wanted the same thing: not being accountable to anyone. Basically she wants 'whatever-it-is-we-have' only when she feels like it, not all the time. She doesn't want just sex, but to also learn a bit about each other. But without the responsability of a relationship. And here I thought she wanted more. Turns out that she's happy just having those small moments of connection we've been sharing. She's not even sure she believes on monogamy. Go figure.

So for now, all is good :) I see her again next weekend. Then I don't see her until the new year.

3 days later.

I should have blogged the last few nights because a lot has happened. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of talking. So here it goes: I now either a girlfriend or the perfect no-strings-attached relationship. And either option is not freaking me out so much anymore. I need to expose all my secrets for this to make sense.

Lets go back to Sunday.

I fell into an exhausted, amazing, middle of the day nap. But right before I fell asleep, I texted her to basically encourage the situation (something along the lines of: you tired me out). Why? Well, partly because I felt guilty of what I'd been feeling, partly because I had just spent the entire morning for the first time in my life, with a girl; and partly because deep inside I enjoy the attention, the fact that there is someone out there that likes me --just me, a lot. Absurdly selfish I know, but I can't come up with any other reason why I've continued with this even though everyone and everything was throwing warning bells at me. To be completely honest, I didn't want to end anything; and my messages reflected that. Selfishly, I kept wondering when we'd get another couple of hours to repeat our all night adventure. Even though I was actually freaking out that she was emotionally opening up to me.

Then monday comes around and after some more flirting and random messages, one comes through that says in no uncertain terms that we should discuss our relationship. Basically, I sort of panicked. What was she doing mentioning the R word so soon?!? It had only been a few dates after all. I started to doubt myself, and what I was capable of handling. There was no way I could admit to there being a relationship and lead her on, and there was no way I could wait so long before seeing her again. So I told her we had to talk.

So I made an impromptu visit to her place late on monday (even though it was late, and she was busy, and I should have gone home), expecting a sit down kinda talk; I was going to give her the option of stopping the dating (or whatever it is) if she wanted to. But it wasn't. A half hour talk stretched into 2, some of it spent talking, mostly not. :)

She jumped right in by expressing her wishes that she didn't want a relationship based completely on sex. I guess I could have told her that I wasn't willing to have more. But like I said before, I think it was too new for me to give up. So I was as honest as I could and I told her all I've been ranting about for the last couple of weeks. That simply, I can't put myself through another relationships right now, and all that responsibility, that pressure, that loss of independence and control so soon after being in one. I told her that I needed time to learn to live life on my own, to be single, to explore and experience life a little.

Aaaand, she was fine with it. But now I'm more unclear as to what is it that we are. However, she was very clear that she definetly wasn't willing loose her independence. She hasn't been in a relationship long enough to understand that sense of responsibility, and that all she wanted was to enjoy life and all it allowed her to experience. As to the control issue? She's letting me lead.

Thats another thing about the 'whatever-it-is-we-have'. I'm in control. Always. I have not felt vulnerable or at risk of being hurt. I'm the one setting the pace and making the decisions. I'm the one calling her, and asking for another date, and generally pursuing this. Even though she knows this is literally and figuratively speaking my first time, I am still in control. And I love that.

And you know what else I've discovered? That I really enjoy the little moments of sharing. You know when you are talking to someone and you feel that connection, that yeah they get it, they don't judge you for it, they're being open with you as you're being open with them? That feeling. I had it with my best friend from high school; we just understood each other --even if we had absolutely nothing in common. I had it with the exB for a long time, but then it was gone, and neither noticed when we lost it. Its happened a few times with a few friends, but it doesn't happen often; I don't think people like to be that vulnerable.

Another secret? I've had that feeling with her, on both nights. And now instead of being super freaked out that she opened completely up to me, I feel.. actually kinda relaxed and okay about it. First of all, she is aware of my feelings on the whole Relationship idea, so I don't feel like I'm misleading her anymore. Second, like I said before, I feel in control of 'whatever-it-is-we-have', so I'm not scared of falling into a relationship I don't want. Third, I'm enjoy it.

So I guess now, its an issue of am I willing to be in a one-sided relationship with someone? Knowing its selfish, and completely self-centered? Right now? yeah.

There's a first time for everything...

Well, lets get it out of the way shall we? I slept with her last night. There, its out. I'm no judge but I think it was pretty incredible, even if we didn't actually do all the things you'd think girls do when they have sex. I for one, never took my pants off. But there was very litle sleeping involved though. Neither one of us actually uhm reached the big O, but that's completely because a) I had my pants on, and b) its not as easy as it seems. Aside from that, it was incredibly satisfying and comfortable. I mean, there is something to be said for being with someone who is super responsive and smells freaking delicious.

The thing is that instead of having a huge smile plastered on my face, I feel incredibly confused. I walked out of her place this morning feeling mostly guilt and disappointment. I felt pretty much the same the first time I lost my virginity years ago, with a few exceptions. There was guilt; knowing I had to lie to my parents, knowing I should have waited, knowing I shouldn't have done it. The morning after, I actually asked a friend what the big deal was about because I for one, didnt get it.

This experience on the other hand, was really good. So the disappointment and guilt is not on the physical aspect, its completely emotional. Now our relationship is effectively more than just dating. But now I really have no idea what it is. But if I take my cue from her, its going nowhere I want it to go. Because suddenly last night the mood went from electricaly charged to "I can't stop looking at you right now because I like you so much" charged. And that's where the guilt is. Because I know completly I'm not in love with her at all, and I honestly don't want to be either --and that's where I'm dissapointed, because I was hoping she could have just gone along with me without the heavy emotional thing. A relationship is simply not something I can give her, and I feel like I would end up hurting her eventually.

I guess there is the reason why they say to never get involved so soon after a long relationship.

I'm okay now. I've had time to think about everything, getting rid of the useless feelings, and sit here and purge myself of my thoughts (so that I can catch a nap because I'm exhausted). I'm clear that next thing that has to happen before we both go on xmas break is to talk about this 'relationship'.

PS: I'm going to see her again in two weeks.

the exB catches me flirting on txt msgs

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I was at the exB's house recently visiting. Well, there I am, when I get this text message from The Girl. We trade a few back and forth until the exB makes a comment about how popular I am because of the constant buzzing. Of course I put my foot in my mouth, because I said "its just flirting!".

Right.

Thankfully, due to that awesome turn of events, he seems to be more curious and amused than anything else. So, he just teased me for it. Even though under it, he was a little unsettled. Too soon I think. But the cat is out of the hat now, so we'll just have to deal with this. I just got to control my long ingrained compulsion to talk to him about everything.

The key to happiness?

Another date. Another day to be nervous. Theres so much anticipation about this one though. I keep wondering what we'll do all night. We're supposed to go see a fireworks show, but its freezing in this town, so I'm a little nervous I won't be able to enjoy the night as much as I would like to. After that we're going to see a concert to a band I've never heard of in my life. I don't think under normal circumstances I would go--even with my friends (I find concerts kinda awkward, what do you do the entire time? you can't talk!); but I think I can find something to keep me occupied most of the night.

And its the possibility of whatever might keep me occupied that has me excited. Yeah I know, I can't stop thinking about it!. But see, its that physical connection. And its that warm and fuzzy feeling of excitement and enjoyment. And that moment of bliss when everything around you disappears and all you can hear is your own blood rushing through your head. Its like a high really.

I think I understand a little more about what I'm doing with this thing. I saw a movie tonight that put it perfectly: "I'm not in love with the person at all, but I like the feeling of being excited, the anticipation, the attention, and how it makes me feel." I feel the same. I like her, but I also like all the stuff I'm feeling before and after and during this experience. I don't think its grounds for a relationship in the least, and if I'm honest with myself I might be cheating a nice girl out of something more just because I'm not willing to give it; specially if I'm happy with this in between.

You know, I think I'm being unfair to myself and the exB. It all makes it sound like I was unhappy and unsatisfied. But I wasn't. Granted, the last few years were touch & go, but I was happy and content. I believed for years that what I had with the exB was enough, we both believed it. The exB and I fell into that comfortable rut zone that a lot of relationships fall into, and while it was comfortable and enjoyable and happy, it wasn't groundbreaking, or earth-shattering.

I know now that I shouldn't be happy with just contentment. Maybe I'm expecting too much out of life. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic under it all --quite possibly terrified of finding out that life is never going to give you that high I expect. But damn it, life should give you those highs, make your world spin, rush blood through your head, it should smell good, it should taste good. It should be that damn amazing. All the time. Its just a matter of doing what feels right--in your gut right. And you'll be happy. Its like Stuart Knight says "the key to happiness is right in your own pocket".

In my own way, I think I'm still a little scared I gave away comfort and companionship for something unattainable. I mean, I didnt stop loving the exB. It just wasnt that kind of live I guess. But life's a risk right? You have to go for it with all you have, to get something out of it. And I did. And it didn't work out. So here I am, and I feel good about my life, and yeah I'm nervous, and shit-scared... so I must be doing something right. :)

Edit: I found this tonight. a post secret card that someone sent. It feels like that sometimes.

Where is this going?

And by "this" I mean whatever it is I'm doing with the girl. Seems people are asking me, often enough, where do I want the whole thing to do? and then how far? And for both, my answer still is, I'm not sure.

I do know that I do want to continue seeing her. Strictly on a social level, she's fun, and different. I've had the same group of friends for the longest period of time in my life, and this time, I don't want to change them, but I think its healthy to make whole new circles. I think I forgot somewhere along the line that I enjoy meeting new people, and that process of getting to know them, and all that you discover about yourself when you do things out of your comfort zone.

So that's the social aspect as it relates to me. The thing is that this new friendship just passed the no-return point on the dating aspect of my adventure. It seems now we're moving towards the 'seeing each other' phase. It wasnt only the dates that makes me think so. Its the in-between. See, all I've talked about here is my experiences in person. I haven't said anything of the texting that we've been doing. At some point during the night that one friday when we met, we traded phone numbers. Sometime during the half hour coat retrieval line, we started trading txts again. And it hasn't stopped.

That first night (while in an alcohol daze) the messages were, to put it bluntly, about how good it was. Then the first week --post alcohol-- it was tentative. No mention of that night, instead we agreed to a date. After the first date, we got more comfortable and even traded email addresses. So our communication went past short 120 character text messages to random emails. Even then, there was some mention of the date and such. All positive of course.

Then comes the second date. And we all know how it ended (if you need memory refreshing: amazing!). See, I was so excited and pumped that night, that I texted her to tell her exactly that, and I even mentioned how it might be too soon, but it felt amazing, and I wanted to let her know. The part I like though, is that she texted back just as excited. Maybe she does have more experience than me in the 'dating' scene or whatever, but what it boils down to is how it feels. And I feel great, and I'm getting the same vibes from her.

But then it was still the 'dating' adventure. I think the point it changed was wednesday when we both agreed that Saturday (our next planned date) was too far away. So we made an impromptu date to meet that night. Sadly, it didn't happen due to some bad McDs. :/ Somehow this whole thing made her open up a bit because our texts went from funny and cute and quirky to funny and cute and excited.

I got one today that explicitly said she wanted to kiss me. And I was at work. My brain sort of disconected from everything, and all it could picture was the end of our previous date, and the rain, and all the amazing feelings from that night. And here is when I thread on a thin line, because I texted her back, and said just that. Hell all I wanted to do was skip lunch and plan another impromptu visit.

So, now what? I'm pretty sure we're both in for the physical aspect of this adventure --at least to keep doing what we've been doing. At some point or other I have to make it very clear and specific that I cannot do emotional commitments. But what can I do (and what's it called)? Is it just a casual continual dating?

What is all this we have been doing for the past few weeks if not getting emotionally (at least somewhat) invested on each other? I couldn't go through with anymore dates if I didn't at least like her. And I really doubt the chemistry and physical aspect would be as good if it wasn't so. But as soon as I think of responsibility and that relationship pressure I just shiver. And the again, I don't think I could date anyone else while I'm dating her.

So wtf am I doing?

Part 3. A surprising good turn of events.

So I went home. It was late when I arrived. When I arrived, I got a txt from the exB with some random comment about a tv show everyone and their uncles watches. Obviously, me being out with a friend would mean, I didn't see it. I go online, like I usually do, and tell him that I was out. See, I've never lied to him, and I had to lie for this once, and I didn't like it. I didnt want to do it again. But I just wasn't sure of his reaction.

But he asked where I was, not in a controlling way, but still. So I decide to say that I was out with a girl I met at a club for a drink. Thinking that hey, its vague enough, he doesnt have to know. But somehow, someway, he understood it exactly for what it was. A date. So he asked, if it was.

And I said yes. Those 10 seconds of waiting for a response were, to say the least, nerve racking. Then I get a phone call. oh yeah, I thought here it comes, a scream fest, live and personal.

Instead I hear him ask in the most curious and amused tone, how it went. He took it surprisingly well. Not one ownce of jelousy, more curiosity than anything else. So now he knows. he knows I'm going out with her again, he knows I want to explore where its going and what may happen. And now that he knows, the one person I care for the most, I trust the most, I think the world of; now that I know he's not going to judge me or shun me, I feel free.

No more lying. No hiding. No reason to keep it quiet. If people find out, then they do. Being gay, or bisexual in this city is not a big deal. It makes it easier on me. The fact that there is no pressure for me to find out about this lifestyle and the culture to explore a different future is amazing. My friends have no problem with it, so really now I have the freedom to take her anywhere, maybe/possibly introduce her to a few close friends.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Right now I'm thinking how awesome it is that I'm taking her out again on Saturday. And I'm thinking of how to make a move next time.

Part 2.

So there I was having a great night, and talking for hours, when we decide to call it a night. It was late, and we both had to get home. But see, goodbyes are not easy. Specially when you're not sure what you can and cannot do. Then there was the fact that I didn't really want the night to be over because I was having a good time. So I decided to walk with her for a bit.

I knew I was delaying the moment. You know when you stand in front of each other and wonder if you should or shouldn't kiss. The last date we had it was the same, but instead of going with my my gut (I wanted to kiss her), I told her I had little experience, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. We decided to see wait a bit --I think it was too soon-- and ended the night with a hug. So for this date, I decided to not have such high expectations, and just enjoy it for what it was, and to take things as the come.

Side trip here. Letting go is tough for me. I'm a certified control freak. I like knowing 2+2 always equals 4. I like knowing all there is to know about events, places, etc. I like deciding what I do, where I go. So not knowing what to do at the end of a date, is just torture. I feel like just asking and solving the issue once and for all, but as my friend P told me, "you'll loose all the excitement". So I'm trying this new "letting go" thing as part of my moving-on process.

Honestly, even though she was smiling at me and all, the touches, etc, I was a little hesitant. I'd just told her basically that I'd been with a guy for x number of years, and that I was new at going out (at all) and more so with a girl. I wasn't really sure what she was feeling. And I didn't want to make a move, or ask again. So I just let go, and went with it.

So 10 minutes later, we were walking down the streets of downtown, in between lit up buildings, a sprinkle of rain, and leafs in the ground; really close to each other. We arrive at her stop. I nervously talk with her a little more, you know with the random laugh that makes no sense and clearly says "I'm nervous". So I just tell her I better go, and move in to give her a hug --like last time. Instead, I got a kiss. It was totally her move.

Then I regretted not leaving the restaurant earlier. Because the kiss(s) were amazing. I thought I'd been drunk/buzzed that one Friday with her, and I thought the way I felt was a result of the atmosphere... nop. Definetly not. Within 10 seconds (10 minutes?) of kissing her I felt so incredibly.... excited and aroused *blush*, and just from a kiss!!! The expression/song "rush of blood through the head" is totally based on this. I have no idea how long we stood there, or how many times I tried to leave.

I literally skipped all the way home.

Next post: the exB finds out.

Part 1. Second date and a surprisingly good turn of events.

I'm not even sure where to start. So much happened.

Okay, so we agreed to meet on this nice restaurant that I'd heard great things about. It was dark already, and there was a light sprinkle of rain. There really wasn't anything remarkable about our meeting, except that my nerves were gone after a minute and we were laughing pretty comfortable at something stupid --that I can't even remember right now.

So we sat, and talked and ate. It was a pretty nice and moody restaurant, you know the kind with the candle on the table, and stuff? Yeah. The only thing is that the table next to ours was like 10 inches away. But you forget that stuff when you're having a good time.

We were there for three hours just talking. There were a lot of things I had to tell her that she needed to know (seen in older posts). And my chance came when we started talking about being out or not. So I told her all about my new found bisexuality --although honestly I didn't use that word (I don't know that word seems to almost make it sound like its not serious...), then I told her that I'd been in a relationship with a guy for a long time, and how I was now learning to be by myself again, and seeing where life took me. And her reaction was pretty great actually.

The great thing was that it was such a different point of view than anyone else I'd talked to about it. Because everyone else knows me and my history, and she didn't, it was interesting to see her angle on it. So we talked about our childhood and backgrounds, and how this wasn't something I realized sooner in life. I have to think a little more about it before I write about that further.

There was a lot going back and forth but at one point we talked -tentatively- about what happened at the club a couple of weeks before. And it turns out that she liked it just as much as I did. And that, like me, it wasn't something either one of us did very often. Then we laughed some more, because it was a gay male mostly club, and what were the chances of us getting together, then actually make it so that it ended up on 2 dates.

And while we were talking about our impressions of that night, and all that, I realized clearly, that yes, she is interested... in ME!. It was a pretty cool feeling. That's when I started to notice the way she was talking and smiling, not to mention the random brushes of my hand.

But, I am going to have to continue part 2, later.

First Date

I think it went pretty well. Actually I had a great time. Even if I really have no way of knowing what exactly is a successful date. If by successful you mean, we didn't have awkward pauses, neither one of us escaped to the bathroom for prolonged periods of time, or were sitting there hoping the endless droning would stop, then yeah, it was successful.

I was surprised and relaxed, comfortable and nervous at times. Comfortable because we can definetly have a good conversation together. Surprised because hell, I was on a date with a lesbian. Relaxed because if anything, this entire experience gets me a friend or the beginnings of a friendship with a girl that's out. And nervous because I didn't know what to do. I mean, the only interaction we'd had up to that point was all physical :), so I thought, it could be the same again, or not.

Okay, so this is my safe space right? Right. So here's what I really wanted to do: I wanted to kiss her. And she smelled really good... *blush*. But it didn't happen. She wanted to get to know each other a bit. I have to talk to her, hoping she's not expecting a relationship here. If anything, something casual is the way to go.

So anyway. I see her again next week. :) We'll see how it goes. One thing though, this is kinda nice, this feeling of just being able to go out, have a nice conversation with someone, enjoy their presence. I like it. ;)

Nervous.

Okay, so time is set. Location is set. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm going on a date.

I really really hope it doesn't go bad.

I've only been in one other date in my life. I'm very clueless in this aspect of life.

I guess we'll find out how it goes... tomorrow.

too many things in one post to put a definitive title

So, I'm talking to my friend J tonight. She was there that night, she saw it all happen, from my initial apprehension of dancing with someone, to the flirting, to the [apparently] half hour make out session while they waited for me to say goodbye. She seems to think, that probably what this girl has in mind is sex. And nothing else. She's warning me that I should be upfront about what I want, and knowing possibly what I could get myself into. Side note: I couldn't be more upfront than a Mack truck.

About the sex? I'm still not completely sure, and I can't really say if I'd have sex with her. For a couple of reasons, but I can't really turn them into sentences. Its still a little confused in my head. There's a part there about the actual physical aspect of it, another bit about the doubts of doing it as a rebound thing and not because I would normally want to, another bit about residual guilt, and plain old nervousness/fear... it is after all, a second chance at a first time.

But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Right now, my mind and energies are pleasantly occupied thinking about our upcoming date, and what we do until then. I've always had hard time with that 'gray area' you know? when you're not sure if they like you, you're afraid of making a fool of yourself, plus, having less than 3 sentences crossed between each other makes it kinda overwhelming. I mean, what if it was just a complete physical reaction, and we can't talk to each other?? That would suck.

So it would be so much easier to just ask the question, "are you interested?" if yes, then "in what exactly?". But I was convinced by my friend P otherwise. He seems to think that the gray area is one of the best things about going after someone. I wouldn't know since I've never done it, and its hard to convince your brain that guys don't have to always lead (kinda ironic but relevant: I could never dance salsa with a guy because I was always leading them... go figure.)

But anyway, back to J and I; we were walking down the street, checking out the stores, talking about everything that's happened, the exB, the whole 'is there someone else' question, me going on a date soon; and the possibility of having an affair (ugh that word hurts to type) with a good friend of ours, who you can say has the hots for every girl he meets.

And you know what I loved the most about the entire night? How refreshing it was. It felt really good to be talking like that, about something else, something new that's not part of our set lifestyle we've been with for a while. Plus, I remembered that there is something really good about being able to choose whom you want and when you want. I willingly gave that up years ago, and I don't regret it, but its nice to have it back.

On another note. I've arrived to a conclusion. There are things that you can never reveal to people. Basically, yeah, shit may hit the fan, but if it does, then it does. Hopefully by then what would hurt would be the lie alone, not the lie + there being someone else. And I can't do much about it because I'm enjoying it too much. Its a completely selfish gesture to say anything, and its a selfish gesture to continue.

So I guess I'm a selfish bitch. :)

Okay no more panic attacks

For now.

But, I'm wondering if this sleeplessness random headaches, strange stomaches, hunger in the middle of the night, nausea, random jitters (shakes), and these panic attacks are some unconscious way for my body to tell me, that yes, I am mourning a failed relationship. Given that I haven't had one good cry after it happened, I'm a little worried that either a) I'm an insensitive bitch, or b) I'm in denial.

Or it could just be that since I moved out I haven't had 2 good meals in one day (often eating just once), and my body is telling me to eat or to collapse one day in a puddle of letharginess and low energy.

Uhm. I guess I'm cooking tonight.

Am I crazy?

Should I be going on a date with The Girl so soon? Do I really know what I'm doing?? Should I wait until I'm more emotionally stable (although this is the most stable breakup I've ever heard of)? Should I at least have one good cry over so many years that turned into a failed relationship?

Or should I just go with this? Meet new people. Have fun. Enjoy myself. Explore my future, my sexuality, push those boundaries.

Damn it. I hate second guessing myself. But, between now and midnight, I can be honest and say, I'm freaking out a little.

Will the sh!t hit the fan?

Okay, so I thought today was going to be simple. I pack, I move, I start a new chapter of my life.

I guess I could say it was. I did pack, and move, and right now I'm sitting at a new table in an apartment that is going to be home from now on. But then, 2 major things happened today. And I don't know if I made the right choices with either.

The first thing that happened was I got a date. The second thing, was that I almost got a panic attack from having to lie to the exB.

First thing first. I've been trading txt messages with The Girl for the last couple of days. Today, I pushed it a bit more, to see if I could get both of us to be at the same place at the same time for a while. I mean, yeah, she made an impression, and I want to see --now that I'm sober, if its the same. And well, yeah, we have a date.

The enormity of the situation hits me sometimes. I mean, here I am, a seemingly straight girl, going out with a girl that doesn't seem to be straight. Which part of that entire sentence to analyze first? the fact that I might be bisexual? or the fact that I have a date less than a month after the breakup? Can't answer either, both make me panic.

The second thing was that the exB and I started talking about dating other people. You had to see it coming right? I mean, we have had such good communication about this whole breakup thing, we haven't left anything out, and we both feel exactly the same about everything. Except this one thing. In this one thing, he doesn't have boundary lines. And of course, he went ahead and asked me if something was going on, and I had to lie, and say no.

That hurt on so many levels. I know I'm breaking his trust, and trust is what I value most about our friendship. It made me feel guilty, for pretending nothing happened, and lying to his face about it. Knowing that if he did find out he would freak out, and be so hurt. I'm a coward, I can't do that to him. So here I am panicking about it all, because I want to spare him the feeling.

The thing is this can totally blow up on my face later. And it could be so much worse if that happens. I could loose his friendship completely. So many people saw us at the club... I trust them all, but still I'm not the only one in control of my secret now.

Deep breaths. Deep deeep breaths.

Packing it up

I thought packing up and splitting up our things would be a lot harder. But nope, its actually been really okay. We've both just been going about our business as if we've done this millions of times before. Then we had lunch. Its all so incredibly normal that it freaks me out a little.

Only when I started putting away our pictures and we came across one of our last trip, only then we both looked at each other unsure of what to do. But to my surprise, all I felt was acceptance, of us, of what it was. I could see him thinking that the trip was amazing, and that he had no bad feelings or resentments. And that he felt the same way about our relationship. It was really sweet actually.

Completely unrelated: I'm wondering how to ask the girl from the other night out. Ugh.

evening

So we went out to our first outing as a non-couple tonight. We got invited to a semi-party thing. There was people there that knows us as a couple (99% of my friends know me and the exB as a unit.. not separate entities). It actually went pretty well. There really isn't that much difference in our attitudes or our behavior now that we've broken up. The only difference is that there isnt the random (and I mean random) touch or caress during a conversation. As an impulse, yeah its hard to control, but its not something I'm crying over.

There is something strange in our dynamic though. We are actually okay, but to my surprise, he seems in a rush to get me out of the apartment, and get my stuff out of the way. Which I get of course; the reason I didn't stay was because I didn't want to live in our place with our stuff, as if nothing had happened. But the rushing seems weird. There are these walls around us that I accept, but at the same time, feel uncomfortable because they'd never been there before.

Now, the reason why I'm writing at 3am: I'm in withdrawal. Sort of. I've spent the entire day thinking of how to get together with the girl from last night. I mean, I don't remember the last time I lost myself in a kiss for so long. And I know, we were both drunk, and we were both caught up in the moment, the atmosphere, the energy. Even if, we introduced each other about 20 minutes after we first kissed.

Yeah, I know.

But there was just something about it that was amazing. Maybe the fact that I for one, had complete control over the situation. But most of all, I think that there was none of that machismo/gallantry shit that I'm so used to getting with guys wasn't there --its like tattooed on my brain "guys have to be more dominant"). Or maybe it was the thrill of that first time.

Whatever it was. I want it again. And I don't know how to get it. I mean, we barely crossed words. Sad I know, but we were doing other things. :) Anyway, we've been texting each other, but its very vague. Mostly just recognizing that yeah, I know it happened and that I had a great time; there are some references to the night in general, but nothing about a future meet. I have no idea, if maybe she's on the same situation as me a seemingly straight girl experimenting, or not. Whatever the case, I have no idea how to get her and me in the same location without it being awkward.

Okay I have to drop the topic or I'm going ot have a hard time sleeping. On another note, I move soon. Right now I'm crashing on my own couch (before that at a friend's house), but I'm going to be on my own in a few days. :)

A Night Out As A Single Girl

A couple of days ago I heard some friends talking about going out to a gay club, and given my new found status, I figured it might be fun to go.

I mean, have you been to a gay club? Its amazing, first the club has a ratio of 20 guys (15 of which are absurdly hot) to every girl. Its the friendliest atmosphere that I've seen on ANY club. And nobody is afraid of dancing with each other since there are no little groups and cliques.. it was just a really really big group of people having a great time.

And I did. I danced my heart out.

Of course, it being a gay club allows you to dance with as many people as possible, knowing that they are just having fun with you and mean no more.

Until we were in the middle of the dance floor, trying to keep ourselves relatively close to each other (there was just no room to move), and I got pushed in front of this girl. At first I thought she was like all the other girls in the club, straight friends of the gay guys. So I danced a little with her, just like I had been doing with everyone in my path, but unlike the other girls, this one didn't keep her required "i'm straight distance", instead she stayed where she was, close enough that I could feel her legs, and gave me a bright smile that told me she didn't mind me being there at all.

Now, letme go on a side trip here. I don't know much about the gay culture, I only have on gay friend, who until recently pretty much kept to himself. Hell this was the first time I've seen a drag queen. But see I'm pretty open to all of it. And if I'm honest--and this is the spot to be just that, there is some curiosity with the idea of being with a girl. Up until the breakup, I only thought it would happen if we had a threesome, which I was open to do, but mostly because I wanted the experience, not because I wanted to share. After the breakup, I started thinking that the last thing I wanted was to be with a guy, or deal with another relationship. And I thought, what better time to explore those bi-curious feelings. But, having no experience or that many friends in the gay culture, I figured that might be a little difficult.

Then, here comes this girl smiling at me. And again, being completely honest here, she was exactly what I thought my type to be. Small, girly, blond (one thing I was sure of, I'm not into the butch thing). So she there, and I was curious.

I danced with her a little more, then went back to my friends, a little nervous. I didn't really know what to do, and none of my friends know of my bi-curiosity so I was a little apprehensive about going back to dance with her. But I did some subtle moving around, and managed to bring my group closer to her, so that it looked like we were just dancing next to each other. And while we were dancing, she ended up in front of me, running her hands up my sides and arms, dancing really close.

We started flirting more openly to each other, I knew my friends could see me, but a glance at them told me they were not going judge. I felt safe in such a totally foreign situation that I just went for it. I didn't want her to go away, so I grabbed her waist and held her closer to me while we danced. It was pretty amazing.

The next few hours were a revelation to me. I easily accpeted the all the feelings and sensations from the experience. I accepted those feelings of bisexuality (at least for now). I discovered how amazing is to dance with someone who moves with you. I discovered that I really liked how she smelled. And how much I really liked having her close-- she was my height and slim, so I could wrap my hands around her. Then, I re-discovered the thrill of the first kiss.

What surprised me most of all, was how comfortable it was. I knew she wasn't looking to take me home and end up in bed, like every single guy you flirt with at a club. We were just enjoying the experience. And I enjoyed it a lot. There is something to be said for being in a club, with a slight buzz from drinking, a litle sweaty and warm from all the dancing and bodies writhing around you, wrapped around a girl that smelled amazing, making out like you were 16.

I don't know what will happen now, I have her number, she has mine. We traded txt messages. I don't know what to do from here. I have very little experience in this. I'll deal with that when it comes I guess.

The only shitty thing, is the slightly guilty feeling I have right now. knowing I'll have to lie to the exB (ex-boyfriend). I have never lied to him, and I don't like keeping things between us. But I know he's not ready to know that merely 2 weeks after we broke up, I was already in a bar, making out, with a girl no less. The last thing I want is to ruin the way things are going (being friends after everything we've been through).

But whats more shocking than anything else, is that I don't regret what happened. I'm actually excited about maybe seeing her again.

Some major rebound huh?

Awkwardness

So one of the things we have to do now that we're both independent people, is to separate our finances. This is, surprisingly, very easy.

As a side trip here, its actually kinda refreshing to have that control over that aspect of my life again. Since finances was something I let go of completely a few years ago. Either I was involved in it 100% or not. I chose not too, because we kept arguing about it. We have very different upbringings, and methods of leading our lives, so in this one aspect, I choose to let go.

But anyway, we went to the bank to do it. Everything went okay, when we were inside it wasn't awkward at all, we were joking around, and feeling very comfortable. Then we walked outside and were about to say goodbye... THAT was awkward.

I mean, you have years under your belt of saying goodbye, i love you, and a kiss, and suddenly, we weren't sure what to say. A part of me still wanted to say, I love you, because hey, I still do, even if I'm not sure anymore if it was enough [for our relationship].

So I ended up saying "Talk to you later", turned around and walked down the street.

It made me feel weight of the loss on my shoulders.

Why I write

This being my first post and all, I'm not sure where to start. I feel as if I just closed a door, and opened another one, not really knowing where it goes. Hence the title of this blog. Life goes on, no matter what; and my life just continues, whether I'm ready for it or not.

I need to explain why I'm writing --without anyone knowing. Simply put: I need to get it out my chest. I need to say things without trappings, without barriers, without judgment or bias. A place where I can be honest with myself, and channel all the emotions I have.

Its not like I don't have friends, I do, and they've been amazing actually. But they are 'our' friends. I don't want to have them choose sides, so sometimes, I have to be careful with what I say. Plus there are things that are so damn cheesy. Self-consciousness be dammed here.

So, here I am. 2 weeks after The Day. I am holding up really well I think. Once in a while it comes around the corner and catches me unexpected. But so far so good. Writing these few lines makes me feel better already. :)