You know what I hate? that a month ago I was craving her and missing her so much, and now, now I don't even want to go home.

Hurts. Though I don't know what exactly, that we're loosing it (letting it loose maybe), or that it changed.

Angry, defeated?

I'm not so gloomy as before, now not so sure about my previous post.

But I am angry. And sad. After the darkness (because honestly that's what it is, I can't think rationally, and my brain goes into a standstill), comes some clarity I guess.

I think our dynamic shift last week, her mood swings, her intolerance; it represents her sudden grasp for control. I thought the control was about herself, her instability... but now I'm not so sure either. She's starting to control me, and by doing so, she's pushing me away.

Suddenly, I went from being accepted, to manipulated. I have no room to be me, I'm being given boundaries and lines and regulations. No room to move, no room for negotiation.

What tha fuck happened?

Did I make a mistake?

I don't know if moving in together was such a good idea. Her mood changes are difficult to follow. Her constant intolerance and elitism are unbearable. I feel like a child living in that apartment. And then she asks me why I'm distant and not that excited. My reassurances are starting to feel hollow and not real. The smiling is getting tiring. I want to just tell her to grow up, but I'll make things worse.

I keep keeping my hopes up, and keeping the mood positive. Trying to make her believe we can make us work. We're not perfectly made for each other, and it'll take work, and that is okay. But after repeating that so many times its loosing its meaning.

Is this temporary? Is it the result of the incredibly stressful week we had, or did I make a mistake?

Daaam.

I was really angry yesterday. I'm a bit better. At least I'm not yelling in CAPS at a computer.

I'm still not very happy about a few things. I don't feel like I'm moving for one. I haven't been able to plan the moving process, and for all I know, she's moving in and sleeping on the floor while I haven't even packed a suitcase.

Anyway, I gotta work. Talk back soon.

Let it not be the same.

Fuck it. I'm tired of writing for an audience. And I don't have time to write any other time than when I'm angry. When I'm angry, I need an outlet. This is it. Weather it makes sense, who gives a shit?<= Can you tell I'm pissed?

Things have been weird lately. And I'm so freaking scared of saying it outloud. Things are shaky. We really dont know what we got into. Being with her was always a gamble, a risk. But I felt I had the upper hand, I was hopeful and optimistic. Now? feels like she sucker punched me and now I have no idea if I have the upper hand anymore. Now our chances are 50/50.

You know whats fucked up? The Girl and I started developing a dynamic reminiscing of my days with the exB. A lot of endless arguing, making each other feel like crap, and apologizing.
Granted, we're in the middle of moving together, which is stressful for an anxious girl like The Girl, but even then; it feels like everything I do nowdays makes her angry. (Have I mentioned before that I don't like angry? I don't like people being mad. I can't handle it. Honestly, I really don't know how). Even things I haven't done, just the simple fact of being myself seems to piss her off.

How would you like to hear none of the 'stuff' and materials goods you have she doesn't want. None of it. In our brand new place we're moving to? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT? What am I going to be another fucking fly in the wall? Everything I do will have to be run by her? I'll never be right? I'll never have free will?

Holy shit. ARGGGGGGGGh. I know I'm exxagerating. But she's incapable of understanding there's now TWO of us. It doesnt help she's a control freak like me, so we both want to run the show. When I do, she gets angry that I'm telling her what to do, when I don't she gets angry because I don't have a 'spine'.

As a consequence these last 2 weeks have been really difficult. I am learning that I don't know how to deal with anger, and disappointment. That I always try to please. As a result? I end up forgetting what I want. (Which to be honest, its never really obvious to me). So in my quest to make her and me happy, I end up fucking myself up. So I start the passive aggressive comments, and the competing.

Competing is the worst. An unhealthy habit of winning and always being right. I think its my inner kid saying 'wholy shit, I want to be heard too". So now I feel we're at odds. Great huh?

So now, I'm trying to not make her angry again, so I'm shutting up. And I'm just letting her do whatever she wants. If this blows up on my fucking face later, then I'll be writing here and telling myself "I told you so".